U.S.—Democrats across the country prepared to celebrate Dependence Day this week, an annual holiday where they reflect upon their complete and total dependence on the government.
Every year on July 4, Democrats celebrate the high holy day where they thank the government for its gracious gifts.
“It’s good to pause every year and think about how we are completely and utterly dependent on the government for everything,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We have to give up all our rights to the government to find out how dependent we can be.”
“This good and benevolent government was given to us by, you know, the thing,” said Joe Biden. “We should take a moment and be thankful for that. You know, I was around on the first Dependence Day, when Paul Washington and George Revere rode their donkeys into the holy city of Washington. I watched them come into town. I even stuck a feather in Revere’s hat and called him ‘macaroni’. He didn’t really appreciate that, you know. But it was a good time.”
The DNC’s official Twitter account tweeted, “Let’s take a moment to think about everything we owe the government this Dependence Day.”
While Americans celebrate Independence Day with fireworks, barbecues, and merrymaking, Democrats celebrate Dependence Day by staying inside and weeping over all the freedom going on outside. The celebrations conclude with the reading of the Communist Manifesto and the singing of “Imagine”.