From The Babylon Bee:
LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked frozen aliens around volcanoes and then flew Douglas DC-8s over them to drop hydrogen bombs and blow them all to smithereens some 75,000,000 years ago shouted at his crew for not wearing masks and not listening to the science.
“Alright, I’m off to go clear some clusters of thetans off my body,” he said, referring to his belief that the volcanoed, bombed aliens transformed into metaphysical creatures called “thetans” and now attach themselves to humans, and then must be cleared through a process that involves meditation, introspection, and giving the Church of Scientology millions of dolllars. “When I get back, I want everyone to be following…”
He left a dramatic pause here.
“… THE SCIEEEEEEENCE!!!”