Listen, by Robert Gore

A baby knows one perspective: his own. Feed me, now! Change my diaper, now! Figure out why I’m crying and do something about it, now! The baby is aware of other people, particularly parents and caregivers, but they are instruments for the fulfillment of his demands. He is unaware of anything about these people upon whom he is completely dependent, beyond their ability to meet those demands.

Growing up, awareness and knowledge of other people increase, however an infantile element often remains. Others are no longer perceived solely as slaves to the satisfaction of one’s physical needs; they exist to gratify an emotional and psychological need for attention and reinforcement. Call it the mirror stage of development, summed up by the phrase: “Look at me!” This stage characterizes much of the US population, where solipsism often retards or halts continuing evolution of individual psyches. Mirror psychology leads individuals to associate almost exclusively with individuals like themselves and to shun those who are not. For most of history, self-absorption and mirror psychology were aberrations.

People were too busy trying to survive to pay attention to the preening of others. They were born, worked, procreated, lived at a subsistence level, and died after three or four decades. There were no mirror-people to reflect one’s glory. Other than the comparatively few members of the ruling class, the self-absorbed had an audience of one. Peasants knew they could never expect to be the center of attention. Anyone demanding it, shouting “look at me,” would have been brutally mocked or worse. Dreary as their lives were, psychologically at least, the peasants were well ahead of a substantial slice of contemporary humanity.

The ether is filled with emissions from tweeters, bloggers, texters, and chatterers. Some of it must be worthwhile—millions “follow” somebody—but much of it is nothing more than vaporous digital narcissism: look at me! At least the followers are paying attention to someone other than themselves; it is the followed who frequently suffer permanently arrested development. A confluence of technology, affluence, and the media allow, to a historically unprecedented degree, a substantial portion of the population to live in a psychological isolation in which they never really meaningfully interact with other people, and, to the extent they do interact, see them as mirrors.

This solipsistic affliction is not confined to an economic, social, or political stratum. It is an individual choice made unconsciously or consciously that nothing matters beyond one’s own thoughts and emotions, and the only people worth associating with are those who think and feel in the same way. Anyone taking a moment from self-contemplation has no trouble finding it, indeed cannot avoid it: black Friday crowds stampeding into stores; rioters in their all-consuming “rage” destroying their own neighborhoods and looting local businesses; retirees spending their golden years watching hours of Fox or MSNBC because the propaganda masquerading as news reinforces their views; interest groups demanding taxpayer funding or tax subsidies for whatever they’re promoting; stultifying and unread celebrity memoirs that offer nothing in the way of insight or wisdom, only self-reverential stories and commentary; TV “discussions” in which the participants shout each other down; the vitriol and mindless hatred displayed on many internet forums; the trillions of words spewed from Washington, Wall Street, Brussels, London, Davos, Hollywood and other bastions of self-importance directing the rest of us how to live (see “He Said That?” SLL, 1/23/15).

Solipsism is the underlying explanation for many contemporary cultural phenomena. In an age where so many people and events practically beg for satirization, great satire is hard to come by. It requires keen observation and creativity on the part of its creators and an outer-directed awareness and sense of irony on the part of the audience, and those are not byproducts of self-absorption. Endless publicity has rendered celebrities ordinary, even trite. It’s been years since a politician said anything memorable or inspiring. Name a sports figure who has the aura of DiMaggio, Robinson, Williams, Chamberlain, or Ali; a Hollywood star with the glamour of Garbo, Gable, Taylor, Brando, or Monroe; a singer who generates the excitement of Sinatra, Elvis, or the Beatles. Public relations machines, self-disclosure on multiple forums, and ultimately, familiarity, have drained all that away, often breeding contempt as the masses discover those they might have idolized really are just like them, except they have larger egos. The word “tweet” sounds comically contrary to the whole idea of mystique, and everybody tweets now.

To try to oppose the trend in the age of the selfie is as futile as standing on a slope trying to stop an avalanche. However, a contrarian strategy, in the egoist sense of self-interest and self-improvement, rather than the egotistical sense of self-promotion and self-glorification, suggests itself: become a better listener. A recent article in The Wall Street Journal about Urban Meyer, the football coach of national champion Ohio State, had several comments from those who know him on what a great listener he is, and his ability to use what he hears to his advantage. One learns more with one’s mouth closed than open. Listening can be thought of in a broad sense: opening one’s self up to communications from all sources. Even in the contemporary cascade of trivia, banality, and idiocy lies buried the occasional nugget, and a lot happened before we were born. To ignore the art, writings, and insight of those who came before us is to ignore much wisdom and greatness, exiling one’s self to today’s barren intellectual, moral, and spiritual desert.

There’s probably not a foreigner in the world who would say the average American is a good listener. Thirty years ago, when the Japanese were ascendant, one of their production techniques US management gurus urged US managers to adopt was to consider and incorporate the suggestions of workers on the factory floor. Such insight! Sadly, listening was hailed as a radical innovation. Things have only gone downhill since. The US, epitomized by its government, doesn’t listen, it commands and controls, and woe to those who don’t listen and comply.

Part of listening is asking questions. Self-absorption is the mortal enemy of curiosity. Almost anyone who has gone to law school has had a professor who could skillfully undercut assertions with a Socratic series of questions. Rhetorically, it’s like giving one’s opponent a saw and letting him cut off the branch on which he sits, but it’s seldom used now. Shouting is easier. And if you cannot remember when you made a mistake that could have been avoided by asking a question or two, think harder, it happened. Never underestimate the power of a question.

A nation of self-consumed souls in a rickety rubber raft, careening through rapids, boulders, and whirlpools without noticing either the dangers or the scenery, probably won’t look up from their electronic gizmos even as the raft shoots over a precipitous waterfall. That may be unavoidable, but on a personal level nothing stops us from looking around, paying attention, asking questions, and listening to the answers. Among the many benefits: it makes life a lot more interesting.

A STORY ABOUT A QUIET HERO

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