68% Say Lockdown Shouldn’t End Until All Diseases Are Eradicated And There Is No War, Hunger, Or Suffering, from The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A new poll has been released that shows most Americans are comfortable with staying in lockdown for a while longer. In fact, according to the poll, a full 68% of Americans say the lockdown shouldn’t end until all diseases are eradicated, along with war, hunger, and any form of suffering.

This sentiment was repeated by many different Americans. “Opening up before everything that could hurt people has been eliminated could just lead to people dying,” said Kelvin Grant, an online journalist, who spoke via Zoom. “Let’s just hide in place until everything bad goes away.”

“As long as there are diseases and other bad things out there, it’s only safe to stay inside away from everyone else,” agreed Grace Wilson, a web designer, who spoke through a mail slot. “Like I saw a wasp outside the other day. We shouldn’t go outside until all wasps are gone. Or else someone could get stung. Stung by a wasp.”

A number of governors expressed solidarity with the poll results. “Everyone really should stay locked down and do everything I tell them until all bad things are gone,” said Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. “Anything else could lead to death, disease, wasp stings, stubbed toes — lots of badness. That’s why if anyone is outside when I tell them not to be, the police will shoot them.”

Since eliminating all bad things could take a long time, there are now some new initiatives to help people shelter in place for months longer, including instructions on how to burrow underground and live as mole people.