U.S.—The nation that once revolted over minor taxes on tea and stamps is now “pretty cool” with state and local governments locking everyone in their homes and robbing them of their livelihood indefinitely.
A new poll has confirmed that the country that threw crates of tea into a harbor because they’d have to pay a little more for their caffeinated beverages is fine with tyrannical states destroying everybody’s lives, as long as they have their Netflix and Amazon Prime.
“A lockdown with no end in sight that destroys the economy, robs us of our constitutional rights, and probably doesn’t stop the virus at all? Yeah, that’s tight,” said Bernard Humphrey of Portland, Maine. “Tight, tight, tight.”
Most people polled were fine with paying many months of their income to the government every month in exchange for their rights being trampled as well. “Yeah, 30% of my income goes to the government, once you calculate income tax, sales tax, payroll tax, property tax, and a few hundred others,” said Mike Bunson of Los Angeles. “Sounds fair.”
When asked what it would take to get them to revolt, most people agreed that if something really important were threatened like easy access to their favorite Starbucks beverages, they would be the first to start the revolution.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—While many governors followed Science and shut down their states early and still have stay-at-home orders in place, Florida kept its beaches open through Spring Break and has already begun its reopening plans. Science says Florida should have seen skyrocketing deaths from COVID-19, but instead Florida — despite its large elderly population — has not seen anywhere near the number of problems faced by states like New York and New Jersey. This has been ruled to be in complete defiance of Science.
“We had good Science telling us Florida should have seen massive deaths,” said far right-wing conservative Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin. “And now Florida is undermining our trust in Science by not dying. We cannot tolerate this. More Floridians need to die. To die for Science.”
California Governor and Science believer Gavin Newsom agreed. “Ron DeSantis is a witch! Burn him!” Newsom said about the Florida governor. Experts widely believe DeSantis used something anti-Science — like black magic — to violate what Science said should be true.
There is now a movement by Science-believing Democrats to actively try to infect Floridians to try to get their death count to match projections. Democrats have also called for DeSantis to be put in some sort of Science prison — a cage made using force fields or lasers or other Science things — though it is unknown if that would be able to imprison him, considering his Floridian black magic.
Posted in Humor, Science
Did a Pixar movie foretell the future? Substitute Covid-for 23, and CDC for CDA, and Monsters Inc. looks downright prescient in its portrayal of hysterical, unwarranted panic. And it has lots of lizard-like creatures.
There are a lot of problems out there. From pandemics and murder hornets to the looming threat of a robot uprising, there are so many issues we just don’t know how to solve them all.
Until now, that is. A new study funded by the government has revealed, shockingly, that the solution to all problems is to give more power to the government. This handy infographic summarizes the findings of the incredible, ground-breaking study: