Category Archives: Humor

Media Relieved To Be Covering The Good Kind Of Riots Again

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Media organizations across the country announced today they are relieved to be covering the good kind of riots again, now that people are looting Targets for justice again instead of protesting their government.

“It was pretty rough there for a while,” said Rachel Maddow. “We had to cover the dark days of the violent insurrection. But now that people are stealing Nikes to protest racial injustice, we can return to feel-good reporting about the good riots that are happening.”

“It’s just the Spring of Love around here!” she added happily.

Many journalists are calling this the shot of positivity the nation really needed in the aftermath of the worst days in our country’s history following the riot at the Capitol. Finally, they say, the nation has remembered what protests are for: stealing stuff and burning things down before any facts have come in.

“I was pretty depressed having to cover the worst riots our nation has ever seen,” said Brian Stelter as he wiped tears from his eyes on his Sunday program. “We can finally get back to what the people want: puff pieces minimizing the violence and destruction wrought by protests that we agree with.”

“But don’t worry — we will continue to watch Fox News and yell at it, just for you.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/media-relieved-to-go-back-to-covering-the-good-kind-of-riots

Adorably Naive Optimist Thinks Lockdowns Will End Someday

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—”When the pandemic is over and the government lets us stop wearing masks, I’m gonna do so much stuff,” said Carl Landon to a friend recently, as Landon is a hopelessly naive optimist and kind of a gullible moron. “We gave the government all this power without putting up a fight, and they’re definitely gonna give that up now that the virus is going away. I can’t wait to not wear masks and move about the country as I please without the government’s approval. It’s gonna be cool — a real return to how things were before this stuff happened.” The adorably ignorant rube added that he’s going to get the vaccine so that he can go to concerts and theme parks this summer without having to wear a mask or social distance. At publishing time, he had further added that he fully expects the government to stop spending so much money now that the pandemic is over.

https://babylonbee.com/news/adorably-naive-optimist-thinks-lockdowns-will-end-someday

Biden Claims Anyone Can Go To A Gun Show And Buy A Nuclear Missile With No Background Check

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed.

In particular, he claimed that gun shows are “free-for-alls” where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile.

“Anybody can just walk right into a gun show and pick up an intercontinental ballistic missile, no questions asked,” Biden said. “Back in my day, we would play with nuclear missiles with the neighborhood kids. One time, we nuked this poor kid off the face of the planet. It was hilarious. You should have seen the look on his face.”

“But it’s a different time now, and nukes do not belong in the hands of civilians.” Libertarians everywhere quickly slammed Biden for this comment, pointing out that owning nuclear weapons is constitutionally protected.

Fact-checkers said they would have checked Biden’s statement, but they were all coincidentally having lunch during his press conference. They have promised to fact-check him next time.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-claims-anyone-can-buy-a-nuclear-missile-at-gun-shows-with-no-background-check

Constitution Comes Forward To Accuse Biden Of Assault

From The Babylon Bee:

60 Minutes Releases Exclusive Secret Photos Of Ron DeSantis Clubbing Baby Seals With Hitler

From The Babylon Bee:

Democrats Warn That If HR 1 Isn’t Passed, Republicans Could Win Some Elections

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON D.C.—As states like Georgia move to change voting laws, Democrats are pushing a federal voting law, HR 1, to take over voting in all states and counteract such moves. And as they promote the law, Democrats have a dire warning: If HR 1 isn’t passed, Republicans could sometimes win elections.

“If we don’t radically change voting laws,” Senator Chuck Schumer told the press, “we could have horrible outcomes to elections in which Republicans sometimes win. We Democrats, along with journalists, have explained over and over to the American people that Republicans are bad and Democrats are smart and good, and yet Republicans keep sometimes winning. Obviously, something bad is going on there, and it must be stopped.”

HR 1 will help stop Republicans from winning by allowing more mail-in voting and other methods that will allow Democrats to stall voting counts for weeks to “find” more votes when needed. It will also make voting so easy that it will ensure the enfranchisement of Democrats’ most reliably loyal group: foreign terrorists who hate America and want to destroy it.

If the bill passes, Democrats assure people that something like President Trump winning — or any other Republican winning — will never happen again. There are some concerns that the bill could be ruled unconstitutional, but Democrats say that would only happen if people interpret the Constitution as “some sort of document with words that actually mean things.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-that-if-hr-1-isnt-passed-republicans-could-win-some-elections

Google Removes Entire State Of Georgia From Google Maps

From The Babylon Bee:

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced today that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from their Google Maps platform, effective immediately. This comes in response to the state’s recent voter law that many are calling racist.

“We cannot allow these racist laws to stand,” said a spokesman from the Google Office of Diversity, Inclusion, Anti-Racism, Climate Change, Immigration Reform, and LGBTQ Affairs. “That’s why we must act quickly to get states like Georgia off the map, both literally and figuratively.”

Starting today, the state of Georgia will be replaced with a blue body of water labeled “Sea of Racism” on all Google Maps platforms. Driving directions given by the site will be altered. For example, directions from South Carolina to Florida via I-95 will state: “continue south through the stupid Sea of Racism without stopping for 112 miles.”

Google will also be updating searches for locations inside the state. A search for directions to Atlanta, GA now returns the following message. “Location not found. Would you like to travel to a Google-approved destination such as Seattle, Minneapolis, or Beijing?”

The spokesman went on to clarify that Google hasn’t completely abandoned the state. “Google will still provide one-way driving directions out of the state for anyone who currently resides in Georgia,” he noted. “Also, we will still provide directions to any out-of-state celebrities or businesses who want to donate money to the Georgia Democratic Party.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/google-removes-entire-state-of-georgia-from-google-maps


MLB Games To No Longer Require ID For Buying Alcoholic Beverages

From The Babylon Bee:

US — Major League Baseball has announced that they will no longer be requiring any form of valid ID for the purchase of alcohol at all games.

“We stand firm against racism and will never again require ID, and unfairly restrict people from purchasing alcohol,” said MLB spokesman Doug Wisacre. “Drinks are for everyone and hydration should always be easier to access, not harder!”

“Not everyone has the same level of access to acquiring an ID and we want to create an inclusive environment.” Mr. Wiseacre continued. “That’s why we will serve beer to all fans, no fuss no muss!”

In addition to not checking for ID, MLB is committing to no longer requiring locker room passes, or security badges which are harmful and unfairly discriminate against those who would want to enter restricted areas for nefarious reasons. They hope that this important step will provide more fairness and increase safety at all games.

At publishing time, MLB was already reconsidering not requiring ID as they are now under investigation for serving alcohol to thousands upon thousands of minors.

Man Who Carries Smartphone Everywhere He Goes Worried Government Might Track Him Through Vaccine

From The Babylon Bee:

PHOENIX, AZ—Local man Greg Chandler is worried that the government might put a tracking device in the vaccine.

He expressed his concerns on social media, furiously typing on his smartphone, which he carries literally everywhere he goes. The device is always either in his pocket, in his car, or in his hands. He says he’s lucky he had it on him today, so that he could warn his social media followers of the government’s sinister plan to track his every move.

“The government is putting tiny tracking microchips in the vaccine, and they can spy on you no matter where you go! Don’t fall for this!” he wrote on the Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram apps. “We must stand up and say enough is enough! Big brother is watching you!”

He then recorded a short video rant which he posted to TikTok and checked in at the restaurant he was meeting some friends at.

At publishing time, the NSA agent watching Chandler through his smartphone’s front-facing camera had denied the man’s claims that the vaccine has any sort of tracking device in it.

https://babylonbee.com/news/the-government-can-track-you-through-the-vaccine-says-man-who-has-carried-around-smartphone-since-2009

Arkansas Passes Controversial Bill To Ban Chopping Off Kids’ Legs If They Think They’re A Mermaid

From The Babylon Bee: