Category Archives: Humor

Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting Backward

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration’s COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down.

“This is really, uh, quite something,” said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. “Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We’re not sure if it’s Biden’s brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be rising from their graves at a rapid pace– over 200,000 just yesterday.”

CNN executives are currently considering announcing the end of the COVID crisis in America. “At this point, I think we have better things to talk about,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “Now that empathy and competence have returned to the White House, there’s nothing really to report here anymore.”

CNN has announced they will be pulling their COVID field reporters to cover the Biden family dogs and Jill Biden’s exquisite wardrobe. 

Don’t Have a Holy Cow, Man! by Tim Hartnett

Things are getting so bad that you can’t even make fun of pompous idiots anymore. From Tim Hartnett at lewrockwell.com:

The old gripe “is nothing sacred” looked worn out by 1987. That was when the National Endowment for the Arts finished handing Andres Serrano 20 grand for “Piss Christ.” He got the materials for his masterpiece from the gift department of a drug store then drank a 40 for the pissspiration. But that doesn’t prove life imitates art—Janet Cooke won the Pulitzer for fake news six years before that.

The NEA was launched by Lyndon Johnson—a chief executive well known for public displays of emission himself. If he had lived, LBJ probably would have ranked Serrano as an unequaled genius until Cardi-B came along. Federally funded artistes surely rate that prez, known for waving “jumbo” around, as a highly refined aesthete.

But if you thought the last vestiges of sanctimony swirled in the bowl a generation ago you’d be mistaken. A glance at the huffing and puffing in the January 15, Huffington Post is a good example. “Tucker Carlson Slammed for ‘Vile and Vicious” Attack on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez” reads the headline. Carlson was having some chuckles at AOC for claiming she narrowly escaped death when the Capitol got stormed on the 6th. A rapidly spreading cult demands that all of its prophets’ words be taken as gospel—unbelievers will taste their wrath:

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Studies Show…

From the Burning Platform, https://www.theburningplatform.com/2020/12/31/studies-show/

Miracle: Government Feeds Five People With Just 2.3 Trillion Loaves And Fishes

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning miracle, congresspeople just emerged from negotiations over 2.3 trillion loaves and fishes, somehow turning the trillions of morsels of food into enough meals for just five people.

An exhausted Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Mitch McConnell (R-KY) held up the small basket so crowds of unemployed citizens could witness perhaps the most historic event in the history of mankind, in which countless loaves and fishes given by those same citizens were magically transformed into, like, four or five measly meals.

“This is significant,” noted a sweating Pelosi, surely weary after working nearly 40 hours per week for what must have felt like three weeks. “You won’t find anyone in history who could pull off such a biblical feat.” The representative from the utopian state of California then pulled from the basket a coupon for $5 off at Applebee’s and held it aloft before the jobless masses.

The legislators then negotiated with multiple government administrations to oversee the distribution of the basket through the crowd standing directly in front of them. Distribution of the food cost billions, according to official reports.

The lone recipients of the divine intervention—a family of five—tearfully praised their democratic representatives for taking a mere seven months to perform such a miracle. “I don’t know what to do with all of this food,” said the husband. “The government has provided my family with enough to last, I don’t know, maybe two days. Praise heavens!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/miracle-government-feeds-five-people-with-just-23-trillion-loaves-and-fishes

Pelosi Announces Every $600 Check Will Come With Free Slice Of Cake

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has announced that every $600 stimulus check will come with a free slice of cake for Americans to eat.

She made the announcement in a speech yesterday after the stimulus bill was criticized for not doing enough for the middle class. The amendment to the $900 billion stimulus bill, coupled with the reasonable $2.3 trillion spending bill for the federal government, means that in addition to getting $600 created out of thin air, each American will get a slice of chocolate cake.

“Americans have been suffering, so we need to let them eat cake,” she said in front of Congress yesterday. “We closed down their businesses for the past nine months, so it’s the least we can do. Really. I do mean that. The least.”

Congress considered ice cream for every America, but Pelosi vetoed it as it was too expensive to give every American a $13 quart of the brand she eats. There was also talk of giving the option of vanilla cake, but that was shot down as being racist.

https://babylonbee.com/news/pelosi-announces-every-600-check-will-come-with-free-slice-of-cake

FDA Approves Fake Vaccine For Staged Photo Shoots

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The FDA has approved a fake vaccine for staged photo shoots by celebrities and politicians, the administration announced today.

After reviewing the placebo vaccine for weeks, FDA experts confirmed it was totally safe for celebrities to take while posting selfies to social media telling you to get vaccinated.

“We are proud to approve this placebo so that celebrities and politicians can smile and give you a thumbs up while we inject them with a totally fake vaccine,” said an FDA spokesperson. “American ingenuity, science, and medical know-how all came together to make this happen in record time.”

As Ian McKellen posted his celeb selfie getting the vaccine, there was a bit of a scare as a nurse thought she had accidentally given him the real thing. “What!?” McKellen screamed. “I don’t want that rushed-to-market substance injected into me! Who knows what’s in there? That’s for the poor people!”

“Oh wait — false alarm. We injected you with the placebo after all,” said the nurse.

“Whew! Close one.”

California Declares Christmas Caroling A Felony

From The Babylon Bee:

‘We Must Follow The Science!’ Screams Actor Who Believes Xenu Dumped Frozen Aliens Into Volcanoes And Exploded Them With Bombs 75,000,000 Years Ago

From The Babylon Bee:

LONDON—While filming the next Mission Impossible movie, an actor who believes Xenu stacked frozen aliens around volcanoes and then flew Douglas DC-8s over them to drop hydrogen bombs and blow them all to smithereens some 75,000,000 years ago shouted at his crew for not wearing masks and not listening to the science.

“We must listen to the science, do you understand me!?” shouted the man who follows the idea that a space lord alien dude came to Earth, then known as Teegeeack, part of a sector called the Galactic Confederation, and blew up a bunch of his people, which transformed them into thetans. “I’m sick and tired of all the ignorant beliefs going around this set! Come on, man!”

“Alright, I’m off to go clear some clusters of thetans off my body,” he said, referring to his belief that the volcanoed, bombed aliens transformed into metaphysical creatures called “thetans” and now attach themselves to humans, and then must be cleared through a process that involves meditation, introspection, and giving the Church of Scientology millions of dolllars. “When I get back, I want everyone to be following…”

He left a dramatic pause here.

“… THE SCIEEEEEEENCE!!!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/tom-cruise-we-must-follow-the-science-and-trust-that-xenu-dumped-frozen-aliens-into-volcanoes-and-exploded-them-with-bombs-75000000-years-ago

Thank goodness for the vaccine

 

 

 

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