Category Archives: Humor

Beto Proposes Renaming First Ten Amendments ‘The Bill Of Wrongs’, from The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee:

But O’Rourke stuck to his guns—metaphorical guns, of course—and fired right back (again, only in metaphor).

“See, this is the problem with this country,” he said. “You propose taking away guns, curbing free speech, and taxing people for their religious beliefs, and people immediately jump to that old, archaic, so-called ‘Bill of Rights.'” At this moment, he used finger quotes. “That’s why, when I am president [this got some chuckles], my first action in office will be to rename the Bill of Rights the Bill of Wrongs.”

O’Rourke pointed out that the Bill of Rights actually has a bunch of injustices and wrongs: for one, it doesn’t allow O’Rourke to take everybody’s private property. For another thing, it doesn’t force everyone to believe the same things O’Rourke does. Finally, it allows people to say things that O’Rourke does not like.

“The so-called ‘Bill of Rights’ is actually a long list of roadblocks to progress,” he said. The audience cheered wildly. One transgender black woman started rolling around on the floor as though she were in a Pentecostal church service. Don Lemon fainted of joy.

At publishing time, O’Rourke had committed to forcing Americans to quarter British Redcoats as one of his first acts in office.

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Prof: SpongeBob perpetuates ‘violent, racist’ acts against indigenous people, by Celine Ryan

SpongeBob SquarePants poses a clear and present danger to society, especially the children, and must be expunged (pun intended). From Celine Ryan at campusreform.org:

  • A professor at the University of Washington recently published an article in an academic journal about the children’s cartoon “SpongeBob SquarePants,” claiming it perpetuates a legacy of violence against the indigenous people of the Pacific.

The professor argues that the cartoon is involved in the “occupation” of native lands, and that the show participates in “cultural appropriation” by way of its island motif.

A university professor deemed the beloved cartoon “SpongeBob Squarepants” “violent,” “racist,” and “insidious” in a scholarly article.

University of Washington professor Holly Barker published her musings on the yellow sponge cartoon character and his deep-sea pals in an academic journal called The Contemporary Pacific: A Journal of Island Affairs, which features “readable” articles focused on “social, economic, political, ecological, and cultural topics.”

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It’s “violence” to mispronounce someone’s name, by Simon Black

Here is Simon Black’s weekly serving of hard to believe but true stories from the past week. From Black at sovereignman.com:

Are you ready for this week’s absurdity? You might want to grab a drink for this one… or take a moment to listen to some soothing meditation music.

Here’s our Friday roll-up of the most ridiculous stories from around the world that are threats to your liberty, finances, and possibly your blood pressure.

It’s “violence” to mispronounce someone’s name

Let me ask you a question– how do you pronounce the name “Shea” ?

My gut would be “Shay”. Or perhaps “Shay-uh”.

Well, for at least one person, a Ms. Shea Diamond, the name is pronounced “Shee-uh”. Easy mistake to make.

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President Xi Makes NBA All-Star Team, from The Babylon Bee

U.S.—The NBA has found itself at odds with its lucrative Chinese market, and the league is doing its best to appease the Chinese government. In a move intended to patch things up with China, the NBA announced that President Xi Jinping has made the All-Star team this year.

The president will tower under the competition at an intimidating 5’11”. Especially threatening to the opposing team will be the president’s ability to imprison or execute any player who dunks on him. He is also expected to execute players on his own team who speak out against him or suggest he’s unfit for the basketball team.

Oppressed Chinese citizens will be forced to form a human pyramid that the president can climb up in order to dunk on the baskets. He is expected to play all the positions and be named the MVP.

NBA executives aren’t sure if this is going to appease China entirely, but they’re hoping it’s a good start. Should this fail, they say they’ll resort to their backup plan of groveling and singing China’s praises forevermore.

New Law Requires You To Listen To Greta Thunberg Lecture Before Purchasing Gasoline, from The Babylon Bee

U.S.—A series of new bills working their way through state legislatures in New York, California, Oregon, Hawaii, and several other progressive states will require you to listen to a Greta Thunberg lecture before purchasing gasoline.

Motorists will be required to watch a 20-minute lecture by the 16-year-old climate activist before they purchase gallons and gallons of harmful fossil fuels.

“We want to make sure drivers are informed,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom, who says he will sign the bill into law. “So we are having them get lectured by a 16-year-old so they will have all the facts before they do something rash like put gasoline in their cars to go to work.”

Once the driver has listened to Thunberg’s entire lecture, they will be prompted to complete a quick, fifteen-question quiz to show they understand how horrible they are for driving a car. Drivers who get at least 80% will then be allowed to refuel their vehicles. As they refuel, the screen will simply play a clip of Thunberg saying, “How dare you!” over and over again.

The law will not apply to celebrities purchasing jet fuel.

Media Horrified By Lack Of Violence At Joker Screenings, from The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Our nation’s intrepid journalists had been warning the country about the threat of the Joker movie and how it could encourage violence among disaffected white people and incels — the new greatest threat to mankind. And as reporters prepared for an onslaught of violence as Joker premiered over the weekend, they were horrified by what happened: absolutely no violence or anything worth reporting on whatsoever.

“We found one incident of a guy cheering too loudly at the fictional violence,” said CNN reporter Terrance Shelton, “but that was it. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing we can glom onto and spin into a hot take that reinforces The Narrative. I’m shaken to my core.”

Journalists have already been shaken by many attacks on the press. Much of this has come from President Trump, but a lot also from reality, which has specifically gone after many of their hyped predictions and disasters. “We had expert opinions saying that the Joker movie was just adding fuel to the fire with all that’s going on,” said New York Times writer Glenn Peterson. “And once again, reality has defied experts. That’s not right.”

Now that opinion writers’ fears have been disproven, the pundits whose predictions were completely wrong and who have demonstrated they have no grasp of how reality actually works are expecting the harshest punishment for such a journalistic failure: absolutely nothing.

South Park Episode ‘Band in China’ Is Banned in China, by Nicole Hao

The Chinese government is sensitive to cartoons. You can go to jail for saying Xi Jingping looks like Winnie the Pooh, and now a South Park episode has been banned. From Nicole Hao at theepochtimes.com:

The most recent episode of the U.S. comedy cartoon show South Park, ‘Band in China,’ has been banned in China. Its content touched on politically sensitive topics for the Beijing regime: Hollywood kowtowing to Chinese censorship in exchange for market access; and China’s human rights abuses, such as forced organ harvesting and extrajudicial killings.

“[Chinese leader] Xi [Jinping] doesn’t look like Winnie the Pooh at all. Tune into our 300th episode this Wednesday at 10,” South Park’s creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote in a statement on Oct. 7.

“Like the NBA, we welcome the Chinese censors into our homes and into our hearts,” the statement reads. “We too love money more than freedom and democracy.”

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