Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a White House press conference focused on clarifying every statement Biden has ever made, Press Secretary Jean-Pierre clarified that the official White House policy was the opposite of whatever President Biden says in interviews.

This official policy comes on the tail of the White House clarifying and contradicting nearly every statement Biden has made regarding the pandemic, Taiwan, illegal immigrants, Russia, inflation, and unborn babies. Curiously, there has been no correction from the White House after Biden called half of U.S. citizens an existential threat to democracy.

“This policy is to stem confusion and reduce the number of questions asking for clarification and context,” said Jean-Pierre to journalists suffering dizzy spells from the flurry of claims, counterclaims, statements, clarifications, and contexts.

“She said what? That’s a bunch of goat honky; I’m the President of the United States of America,” said Biden in response to the White House’s new policy.

At publishing time, the White House clarified that Biden actually said, “She’s exactly right, and Trump is a terrorist.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/jean-pierre-clarifies-that-official-white-house-policy-is-the-opposite-of-whatever-biden-says-in-interviews

From The Babylon Bee:

MILFORD, CT — In an effort to rejuvenate the struggling franchise, Subway has announced a limited-time offer where participating restaurants will now serve actual food.

“Real, actual meat – somewhere on your sandwich – guaranteed!” exclaimed Subway CEO Dave Ledbetter. “And on top of that, we will serve the meat on something that reaches the legal definition of bread – while supplies last!”

The bold move comes after Subway patrons slowly became suspicious that everything in the restaurant was inedible for humans. “I started worrying when I dropped a slice of cheese and it bounced,” said local customer Javier Campo. “Then I realized that if you take away the filling, the bread acts exactly like Velcro. I knew something wasn’t right.”

After confirmation by scientific studies, Subway admitted that several of their offerings contain no actual food. “Honestly, I’m kind of surprised someone out there thought we put real tuna in the tuna salad. I mean, have you been to a Subway?” said Mr. Ledbetter. “Still, the sandwich competition has become intense. Plus, I glow in the dark every time I eat the tuna, and frankly it’s becoming annoying.”

Ledbetter promised that Subway customers could still expect that none of the vegetables would be thawed out before you ate them, and each restaurant would continue to feel vaguely unsafe.

https://babylonbee.com/news/subway-begins-promotional-offer-where-they-will-use-real-meat-for-a-limited-time

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha’s Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.

“Perhaps now DeSantis will think twice before he sullies our pristine white island with brown migrant people,” said Martha’s Vineyard HOA President Karen VonSchnitzel. “Once the charter flight filled with our neighborhood’s most insufferable Karens touches down in Tallahassee, he will rue the day he made us look like heartless racists in front of the entire country. HAHAHAHAHA!”

The group of 50 Karens was selected from over 478 Karens who volunteered for the flight, as most women who live on the island are named Karen. “Hopefully this political stunt will help DeSATAN see the error of his ways,” said HOA Vice President Karen Bohannan. “If not, we’ll send even more. There are plenty more Karens where that came from!”

Once the Karens land in Florida, they have been instructed to wreak havoc on the locals by walking into establishments and demanding to see the manager, calling the police on black joggers, and driving slowly in the left lane. Locals have mobilized to prepare for the onslaught by building walls of sandbags and boarding up windows.

At publishing time, DeSantis confirmed the Karens had been apprehended by the Florida National Guard and were on their way to Gitmo.

https://babylonbee.com/news/marthas-vineyard-takes-revenge-on-desantis-by-shipping-him-50-karens

From The Babylon Bee:

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants. Progressives have labeled the action as “cruel” and “heartless,” but when California governor Gavin Newsom volunteered asylum for the migrants in his own state, they declined the offer since they had only recently escaped a collapsing communist state without electricity.

“I don’t like bullies, and Florida governor Ron DeSantis is bullying these migrants by not welcoming them! We in California believe a nation of immigrants draws its strength from more immigrants – come to the sunshine state and we will house you, clothe you, and feed you.” Newsom spoke out in a video message from his home after the events of the week, pledging that there was “no limit” to how high he would tax other people to pay for the migrants’ livelihoods but also clarifying that he would not be able to help personally.

While the migrants have heard the message, they have already voiced their intent to avoid California to reporters, speaking out about the harrowing circumstances they had escaped: skyrocketing inflation, a demolished economy, and obvious corruption at the highest levels of government. The migrants say that California’s trash-littered sidewalks, water shortages, and electrical outages bear too much resemblance to the Venezuela they left behind for it to be a desirable destination.

One of Governor Newsom’s PACs, Robbing California Citizens To Fund Our Voter Base, has posted a press release condemning the migrants for the comparison. “To compare California to Venezuela is disingenuous, and these narrow-minded migrants should be ashamed. They come from a nation where business is stifled by overregulation and state interference, a one-party system has ruled for decades with a compliant state media to tout its success while cities burn, and citizens struggling to pay for gas, food, and other necessities – this is nothing like California. For this disrespect, we call for their immediate deportation to the ‘greener pastures’ of Florida that they seek so much, with plans for them to be re-imported for votes during election seasons.”

At publishing time, Newsom had reiterated his offer in a video at his $5 million home, gesturing to the plentiful electricity around him, but migrants have said that this reminds them too much of the opulence enjoyed by Chavez and then Maduro while they wreaked havoc on the nation.

https://babylonbee.com/news/migrants-decline-newsoms-offer-of-asylum-in-ca-since-they-just-came-from-a-collapsing-communist-hellhole-with-no-electricity

h/t The Burning Platform