Category Archives: Humor

Poll Finds Most People Would Rather Be Annihilated By Giant Tidal Wave Than Continue To Be Lectured By Climate Change Activists, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on December 12, 2019 | Leave a comment

U.S.—A new study found that most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave caused by climate change than continue to be lectured by climate change activists.

Study participants were given the option of having the earth flooded by massive tidal waves or listening to virtue-signaling, smarmy lectures by environmentalists for the next decade. Over 87% of respondents selected, “Bring on the tidal wave.” A few people said they’d rather take the lectures, but after hearing a few minutes of the lectures, quickly changed their minds. Several respondents rushed straight to the ocean, arms outstretched, and asked the sea to take us all.

“Come, sweet death,” one man scrawled on the survey response form after hearing just 30 seconds of a Greta Thunberg lecture. “O, sweet release that ends my suffering on this mortal plane! Embrace me in your salty arms, great wave of destiny.”

“Honestly, between Greta and the climate change, I’ll take the climate change,” said one man in Minnesota. “Heck, it’s Minnesota, don’t ya know. We could use a little warming. But even if it turns out to be catastrophic — I’ll take the tidal wave.”

Fires, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, and bees also polled higher than the activists.

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Bombshell Testimony Reveals Some People Do Not Like President Trump, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on December 4, 2019 | Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bombshell testimony on Capitol Hill today revealed a shocking truth: that some people do not like President Trump.

Several progressive experts were brought in to testify, and they all confirmed the startling revelation: some of the country does not care much for Trump and wants him to be impeached.

“This shocking revelation may be the end for the Trump administration,” said Rep. Jerrold Nadler. “It’s game over. Lights out. The jig is up. The fat lady is singing. The curtains have fallen. The walls are closing in. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump voluntarily resigns after this. We have spent millions of taxpayer dollars and used up everybody’s precious time, but it was all worth it: these liberal professors do not like Trump, and rumor has it that some other people in America don’t like him either.”

Democrats renewed calls for Trump to resign following the bombshell testimony.

“It’s possible that Trump insists on remaining in office even though some people do not like him,” said pundit Bill Maher. “You know who else stayed in office even though people did not like him? Adolf J. Hitler! Is his middle initial J? I’m not sure, but it sounded better that way. Anyway, let’s enact a coup to get him out of office.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/bombshell-testimony-reveals-some-people-do-not-like-president-trump

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Leftists Protest New Mister Rogers Film For Controversial Message Of Being Nice To Everyone, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on November 30, 2019 | 1 comment

U.S.—Screenings across the nation of the new film A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, starring Tom Hanks in the iconic role of Mister Rogers, were immediately met by large protest groups who took issue with the film’s themes of kindness triumphing over cynicism and being a friendly neighbor to all no matter what our differences may be.

“It’s the current year!” yelled one leftist protestor outside a Portland screening. “If we were nice to everyone, then we would be giving a platform to lots of dangerous ideas that have no place in our society!”

“This is how Trump brought fascism to America,” yelled another protestor.  “2016 happened because we were too nice and didn’t shout down our racist neighbors’ ideas enough!”

The crowd then began to chant in unison, “No Trump, No KKK, No Fascist USA!”

Portland theater manager, Burt Simmons, emerged from the ticket counter to assure everybody that the film has nothing to do with Trump and that that movie would inspire a holiday spirit of peace if they would give it a chance.

At publishing time, Burt was in grave condition at a local hospital.

https://babylonbee.com/news/leftists-protest-new-mr-rogers-film-for-controversial-message-of-being-nice-to-everyone

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Nation’s Progressives Give Thanks That They Have So Much To Be Angry About This Year, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on November 28, 2019 | Leave a comment

U.S.—In honor of Thanksgiving week, the nation’s progressives have begun to give thanks that they have so much to be angry and offended about this year.

“Thank you, unspecified deity who may or may not exist, for giving us so much stuff to be outraged about,” said Staci Walder, 42, of Portland, as she prepared her vegan, kale-wrapped turkey. “I’m truly humbled that you’ve blessed me with the Trump presidency, the patriarchy, the laws of economics, and biological facts to rage against.”

“Every year, it’s important to pause and recognize how much we have to be angry about.”

“A lot of people struggle with gratitude, but I’m deeply thankful that the universe has given us a veritable cornucopia of things to be mad about,” agreed Mary Wallace, 27, of New York. “I know that I come from a place of privilege, and when I think about those poor people who have absolutely nothing to be mad about, I utter a prayer of thanks to goddess.”

Many progressives partake in an annual tradition of writing down all the things they’re thankful to be mad about:

  • White people
  • Pronouns
  • Personal responsibility
  • Satire that does not affirm their viewpoint
  • Billionaires
  • Old tweets
  • 32-ounce sodas
  • Plastic straws
  • People who hold a steady job
  • Appropriating other cultures
  • Excluding other cultures
  • Bush
  • Obama
  • Trump
  • Babies
  • Kanye West
  • America

“If we’d all just remember to count our outrages, we’d have a much worse attitude all the time,” Wallace said as she looked over her own list of offensive things that dare to exist. “We should live our lives as though it’s Outrage Thanksgiving every day.”

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Impeachment Inquiry Canceled After 5 Episodes Due To Low Ratings, from the Babylon Bee

Posted on November 22, 2019 | 1 comment

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The exciting new TV show Impeachment Inquiry was poised to take the ratings by storm, promising to eclipse all the other shows in its time slot. But the show will be canceled after one season, like a lot of bad TV shows and also Firefly.

After just five rocky episodes that failed to deliver any major plot twists, producers pulled the plug on the impeachment inquiry due to lack of viewers.

“The showrunners promised all these big bombshells, shocking twists, and startling revelations, but they weren’t able to deliver,” said one reviewer writing in Hollywood Reporter. “When there are so many better options out there—rewatching The Office, checking out The Good Place, staring at paint as it slowly dries—why would people tune into this tepid, uninspired mess?”

22% of Americans said they were disappointed with the show so far, while 78% said, “Impeachment hearings are going on?”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that J.J. Abrams had been in charge of writing the plot and simply forgot to tie up all the loose ends.

https://babylonbee.com/news/impeachment-inquiry-canceled-after-5-episodes-due-to-low-ratings

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Supreme Court Allows Victims Of Heart Disease, Obesity To Sue Utensil Manufacturer, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on November 16, 2019 | Leave a comment

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Acme Forks & Knives was trying to block a lawsuit brought against them by the obese community. The lawsuit suggested that the company’s utensils were deadly tools that caused people to become overweight.

The Supreme Court has blocked the company’s attempt to block the lawsuit, paving the way for victims of heart disease and other diet-related ailments to sue Acme.

“Finally—the big forks and knives lobby will be held accountable for contributing to heart disease and obesity, the leading causes of death among American adults,” said a spokesperson for the oppressed obese community. “No human action leads to these deaths. It is entirely on the sentient utensils used to carry out the mass eating events.”

“Blood is on their hands!” protesters cried. “Fight the corporate fork and knife lobby!”

Lawyers for the plaintiffs in these lawsuits have presented evidence that Acme Forks & Knives have marketed their utensils to the obese, specifically encouraging them to shovel a bunch of food in their mouths. They also said it was dangerous and irresponsible for the company to market a “fully automatic assault spork” that can shove “300 rounds of chili” into your face in under 10 seconds.

“Nobody needs that kind of forkpower,” said one lawyer. “We will get justice for the obvious cause of this epidemic of deaths: the guys who make the utensils.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/supreme-court-allows-obese-people-to-sue-utensil-manufacturer

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Airport Revenues Soar After Allowing Travelers To Pay To Turn Off CNN, from The Babylon Bee

Posted on November 14, 2019 | 1 comment

WORLD—Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.

For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you’re waiting for your flight, leaving you with the “far superior” experience of just staring at a blank screen.

“At long last,” said one man waiting for his flight at LaGuardia as he dropped a few dollars’ worth of quarters into the “Turn CNN Off” slot. “Honestly, I might fly more now.” He’s not alone: airports expect a 426% uptick in traveling over the holidays as flyers no longer have to worry about having the droning words of CNN hosts pounded into their heads for hours on a layover.

The feature has been one of the most-requested by travelers along with the dismantling of the TSA and pretzel bags with more than 3 pretzels in them.

The money-making move has inspired moments of human compassion and unity as travelers lend each other money or leave quarters behind atop the television sets for future travelers to turn off CNN. One anonymous philanthropist at DFW prepaid for over a year of CNN-less travel throughout the terminal.

“It’s great to see what humanity can accomplish when we unite,” said one man at LAX as he rummaged through his pockets to lend a quarter to a woman who wanted to turn off the CNN screen near her. “Here you go, miss. Enjoy your flight!”

CNN is protesting the move, saying it has cut their viewing audience in half, leaving them with just one.

A similar program is being rolled out in hospital waiting rooms throughout the country.

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