Category Archives: Humor

Government Promises To Wrap Up War On COVID As Quickly And Efficiently As The War On Terror

From The Babylon Bee:

CDC Still Baffled People Are Paying Attention To Them

From The Babylon Bee:

How Our Government Works

 

 

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‘I Thought I Was Going To Die’, Says Capitol Police Officer Who Held Door Open For Protestors On Jan. 6

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a harrowing testimony before the January 6th Committee, Capitol Police Officer Lenny Burbo revealed his paralyzing fear as MAGA terrorist insurrectionist racists stormed the Capitol.

“I stood there, paralyzed by fear as I held the door open so people could enter,” said Burbo. “As boomer after boomer entered the facility in an orderly line and began to take selfies, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I literally thought I was going to die.”

When asked why he had politely held the door open for everyone to enter the building unimpeded, he replied that he feared for his life and that one of the larger rioters had come up to him and said “step aside cupcake” in an intimidating voice.

“I knew my only option was to step aside or be drawn and quartered by a throng of evil bad people who voted for Trump and are also racist,” he said as tears welled up in his eyes.

Officer Burbo has been awarded a medal of bravery since even though he opened the door for rioters, he really didn’t want to do it, and his heart was in the right place.

The FBI has issued a warrant for the man who called Officer Burbo a “cupcake” and is asking anyone with information to call Nancy Pelosi’s office immediately.

https://babylonbee.com/news/i-thought-i-was-going-to-die-says-capitol-police-officer-who-held-door-open-for-protestors-on-jan-6

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Unemployment Vanquished

governor tarkin reduced unemployment alderaan to 0

American Women’s Soccer Team Defeated After Opponents Play U.S. National Anthem During Game Forcing Them To Kneel The Whole Time

From The Babylon Bee:

TOKYO—The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team’s Olympic hopes are once again in jeopardy after opponents came up with a clever way to defeat them: playing the U.S. national anthem during every game so that the women have to kneel the entire time.

It’s a move many are calling the “greatest 4D chess move of all time.” Some are even saying it’s the most important strategy developed in soccer since the kick was invented. Many are hopeful it will even get Americans interested in watching soccer again.

“It’s a genius strategy,” said one commentator as a singer on the sidelines began singing, “O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light” over the stadium’s sound system. Megan Rapinoe was going to intercept a pass but dutifully took a knee and was forced to turn over the ball to the other team, or however it is that soccer works. “Beautiful play there! It’s going to be tough to see the U.S. women recover from this one!”

“Oooh, and now the singer is going hard into the ‘home of the brave’ stanza, really forcing the U.S. women to stay kneeling. “Wicked brilliant!” (We are told “wicked brilliant” means “cool” or “dope” in British.)

At the end of their first match in which the opposing team employed this tactic, the women lost 27-1, having scored one goal when Rapinoe stood up briefly when the singer ran out of breath.

Compromise Reached: Everyone Still Afraid Of COVID Will Be Locked Down, Everyone Else Will Live Lives As Normal

From The Babylon Bee:

The Lighter Side of Covid

To Defeat Delta Variant, Experts Recommend Doing All The Things That Didn’t Work The First Time

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—To defeat the massive, scary, definitely world-ending wave of COVID being driven by the delta variant of the deadly, frightening disease you should remain afraid of for the rest of your life, experts are recommending we try all the things that didn’t work the first time.

From wearing masks and social distancing to locking everyone down and destroying the economy, experts are all suggesting that we just try the same things we did last time that didn’t work at all.

“We are going to lock down, wear masks, and social distance, all of which didn’t work, but hey. It’s worth trying again,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci in a television interview this morning. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. That’s what they taught us in science school. Look at my lab coat. It’s white. Do you like it? It has pockets.”

The television anchor then assured Dr. Fauci that his pockets were very nice.

“Thanks. I also have the heartbeat thingy. I like to breathe on it to warm it up. Makes me look official and doctory and whatnot.”

At publishing time, experts had clarified that while we’re going to be doing the same things that didn’t work over and over again, we’re going to be doing them harder this time.

https://babylonbee.com/news/to-defeat-delta-variant-experts-recommend-doing-all-the-things-that-didnt-work-the-first-time

Space Returns Unwanted Amazon Delivery

From The Babylon Bee: