Category Archives: Humor

Boy Who Pointed Out The Emperor Has No Clothes Banned For Misinformation

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram have all confirmed they have banned a young peasant child from their social networks after he pointed out that the emperor has no clothes.

The brouhaha started after God-Emperor Joseph I showed off his new wardrobe at a press conference this morning. The press reported his fashion was “impeccable” and that he looked like an “even hotter George Clooney,” but some far-right extremists said that he was actually naked.

“Is it just me, or is the emperor not wearing any clothes?” the boy posted on his social media accounts Thursday. Censors worked quickly, flagging his tweet with a warning that it was potentially harmful misinformation. Snopes fact-checked his claim and found that it was “mostly false,” as the emperor was wearing socks. CNN dug into his old tweets and found that he tweeted that his best friend Castellan was a “booger head” two years ago.

He made his case for the emperor actually being completely naked on his Parler account, prompting Amazon to immediately take down all of Parler. The IRS is also looking into his accounts as he had over 600 copper pieces in his satchel, and the FBI is going after him as he had a castle Lego set at his home, causing some to wonder if he was going to attack the emperor’s castle and cause an insurrection.

Meanwhile, the emperor, who is very old and mostly stays in the castle dungeon eating ice cream, had his spokesperson, Lady Jen Flocky, address the controversy. “Hear ye! Hear ye! The emperor is wearing the finest clothes, I assure you all,” she said. “By his majesty’s royal decree, anyone who says otherwise will be thrown into the alligator pit

https://babylonbee.com/news/boy-who-pointed-out-the-emperor-has-no-clothes-banned-for-misinformation

FBI Assures Nation They Will Get Back To Figuring Out Why That Guy Shot 400 People In Vegas After They’re Done Investigating Parent-Teacher Meetings

From The Babylon Bee:

https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-assures-nation-they-will-get-back-to-figuring-out-why-that-guy-shot-400-people-in-vegas-after-theyre-done-investigating-parent-teacher-meetings

Weird: Many Southwest Planes Flying Banners Reading ‘Let’s Go Brandon’

From The Babylon Bee:

File this one away in the “weird but true” folder: many Southwest Airlines pilots are flying banners behind their jets with a cryptic message: “Let’s go, Brandon!”

Strange!

Many are speculating about what this could mean. Some think it’s just an encouraging message for any Southwest passengers named Brandon, while others believe Southwest is just making a little extra money by advertising with banners behind their planes, and perhaps Brandon’s mom bought out the first bit of ad space.

Whatever the case, we can be assured that nothing is going on with Southwest’s pilots, air traffic controllers, or any other members of their labor force. They’re not on strike against any mandates or anything like that. That can’t possibly be true because we haven’t seen it on CNN yet.

Anyway, good for Southwest, and good for Brandon! Go, Brandon!

https://babylonbee.com/news/weird-many-southwest-planes-flying-banners-reading-lets-go-brandon

Aides Quickly Drag President Away As He Tries To Join In ‘F*** Joe Biden’ Chant

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden took a much-needed break from his 4-hour workdays and late-night Matlock binges to attend the Congressional Baseball Game this past weekend, but things quickly went south when he attempted to join the crowd in a rowdy “F*** Joe Biden” chant.

“Yeah, that Biden guy is the worst!” said Biden. “F*** Joe Biden! F*** Joe Biden! Hehe, nothing like a rowdy chant at the old ball game, eh folks?”

Panicked aides quickly grabbed him by the arms and dragged him out of sight to administer some additional meds.

According to witnesses, Biden later returned to the game and looked out on the crowd with his classic medication-induced serene Biden smile.

The FBI has confirmed they will be dedicating 1,328 agents to investigate who started the insurrectionist chant so they can be arrested.


https://babylonbee.com/news/aides-quickly-drag-president-away-as-he-tries-to-join-in-f-joe-biden-chant

White House Whistleblower Claims Strangers Drag Him From Place To Place And Make Him Sign Papers And Read Words On Monitors And He Hardly Gets Any Ice Cream

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—CNN has just released a bombshell interview with an anonymous White House whistleblower, who gave a harrowing account that could spell trouble for the Biden administration.

Speaking with Jake Tapper, the whistleblower—who identifies as a “White House aide who is young, with no hair plugs or dentures and definitely not Joe Biden”—gave an account of brutal working conditions in the White House.

“Listen, folks, here’s the deal,” said the unidentified whistleblower through a distortion filter to protect his identity. “It stinks here, Jack! Strangers drag me from place to place and make me sign papers and read words on monitors and I hardly get any ice cream!”

“With so much to lose, why are you coming forward now?” asked Jake Tapper solemnly.

“Because it’s the right thing to do, you lying dog-faced pony soldier!” said the mystery man whose face was shrouded in darkness. “No ice cream? Are you kidding me? It’s inhumane! And I haven’t sniffed hair in a week!”

We reached out to President Biden for a response but were unsuccessful.

https://babylonbee.com/news/white-house-whistleblower-claims-strangers-drag-him-from-place-to-place-and-make-him-sign-papers-and-read-words-on-monitors-and-he-hardly-gets-any-ice-cream

Biden Hits Record Low Approval Rating On Economy, Foreign Policy, Pronouncing Words, Standing Upright, Continence, Inflation, Math, The Alphabet, Remembering All The Animal Sounds, Respecting Personal Space (Ran Out Of Room, See Article For More)

From The Babylon Bee:

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-has-record-low-approval-on-economy-foreign-policy-basic-speech-standing-upright-continence-math-the-alphabet-remembering-all-the-animal-sounds-respecting-personal-space-ran-out-of-room-see-article-for-more

‘I’m A Little Worried About What My Son Is Learning In School,’ Says Dangerous Domestic Terrorist

From The Babylon Bee:

EL MONTE, CA—”I’m a little worried about what my son is learning school,” said a dangerous domestic terrorist at a school board meeting earlier today.

The radical insurrectionist went on to say that “teaching kids to be racist and all about graphic depictions of sex seems a little problematic to me,” confirming fears that she has been radicalized by fanatical right-wingers.

She was quickly added to the FBI Most Wanted list after expressing her concern that her children were being influenced by Marxist teachings and radical sex instruction by crazed left-wing nutjobs. Experts say she may be part of a growing number of deranged extremists who violently question the government’s ownership of their children by attending the “open comments” portion of a school board meeting.

At publishing time, she had confirmed her belief that parents should be the number-one influence on a child’s mind and that the government does not own her children, causing FBI agents to gun her down on the spot, saving us all.


https://babylonbee.com/news/im-a-little-worried-about-what-my-son-is-learning-in-school-says-dangerous-domestic-terrorist

Op-Ed: If We Don’t Spend Trillions On Whatever Is In This Bill, We’ll All Die!

From The Babylon Bee:\

A critical bill that could end or save life as we know it doesn’t come along very often—maybe every month or two—and one has just arrived in the form of the $3.5 trillion social spending bill. If this bill doesn’t pass, millions will die for lack of whatever exactly it is that this bill is going to pay for.

Just think of it: It’s $3.5 trillion in spending. Some of it just has to be absolutely critical. Even if $2 trillion were just completely wasted on stupid nonsense, that would still leave $1.5 trillion spent on extremely crucial stuff—stuff someone, somewhere, probably needs. That’s why I’m violently angry at whoever is standing in the way of whatever this bill is all about.

Much of my ire is directed at Senators Manchin and Sinema, who are basically murderers, denying the people this bill which was going to do something for the very thing this bill was going to pay for—a thing I can only assume those people really needed and without which they will probably die. And if Manchin and Sinema get their way, those people will die unmourned—because I’m not exactly sure who those dying people are.

And yet, Manchin and Sinema stand absolutely alone in blocking this bill I can only presume is essential— alone with no one except fifty Republicans. So are Manchin and Sinema worse than Hitler? Well, Hitler never once voted with Republicans, so I’ll leave that up to you.

So what can we do? Well, I don’t usually advocate violence—not more than once a week—but I think it’s morally necessary here that we intimidate Manchin and Sinema into passing this bill. That’s how really, really important I assume this bill is. I very strongly suppose this is a matter of life and death. That’s why we have to take a firm stand and make Manchin and Sinema support this bill so the history books will say about us, “When the time came to do something about the thing, they passed that spending bill which paid for the stuff that was needed and helped some groups of people.” Or something like that.

https://babylonbee.com/news/op-ed-if-we-dont-spend-trillions-on-whatever-is-in-this-bill-well-all-die

Wife Claims $3.5 Trillion Spending Spree At Target Actually Cost $0

From The Babylon Bee:

Because They Care

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