Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

TALLAHASSEE, FL — Liberal activist Sharon Welch declared today that she was “literally living in Nazi Germany” after parents removed pornographic material from an elementary school library.

“This is Hitler all over again!” screamed Ms. Welch as she protested outside the school. “The Fourth Reich is upon us!”

As Ms. Welch watched parents remove copies of Hustler from the kindergarten area, she began goose-stepping up and down the school steps. “Book-burning fascists!” shouted Ms. Welch, as she affixed a yellow star to her shirt. “We will resist! Get ready, Poland!”

A couple of confused parents attempted to explain to Ms. Welch that they just didn’t want strangers to give their children porn. “I tried to tell her we were only protecting our kids from sexually graphic material, but she started shouting ‘Joseph Goebbels’ and ran away,” said local dad Cameron Johnson. “Protecting five-year-olds from pornography just doesn’t feel very Nazi-ish. I think she might be overreacting a touch.”

At publishing time, Ms. Welch had declared protecting kids from gender mutilation as the “New Final Solution”.

https://babylonbee.com/news/this-is-just-like-nazi-germany-cries-liberal-as-parent-removes-porn-from-elementary-school

From The Babylon Bee;

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference held in support of Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg yesterday, Democrats vowed to arrest as many political opponents as it would take to defeat fascism.

“Fascism is a clear and present danger in this country,” began Senator Chuck Schumer, “and the only way to defeat it is with a corrupt, all-powerful police state that can imprison anyone who disagrees with us politically. If we don’t do this, fascism will win.”

“No one is above the law,” agreed House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “Using campaign funds improperly to pay off someone you slept with is the height of fascistic evil, and something no politician in Washington has ever done before. I’ve certainly never done anything like that. Don’t be silly!”

Already, Democrat leaders are calling for the immediate arrests of dangerous fascists such as Trump, anyone who worked with him, and every American who ever expressed support for him. “These undesirables could implement horrible fascism at any time, so we need a final solution for them,” said Schumer.

At those words, an enthusiastic crowd of anti-fascist warriors cheered and fired guns into the air.

At publishing time, former President Trump was still at large. Authorities have advised he is armed and extremely dangerous in addition to being fascist. Anyone caught collaborating with him will be subject to imprisonment.

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-fight-fascism-by-arresting-political-opponents

From The Babylon Bee:

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the legal drama surrounding former President Donald Trump’s alleged inappropriate payments of “hush money” to adult film star Stormy Daniels years ago continues, the son of current President Joe Biden has been left frustrated after hearing about the concept of “hush money” long after it would have been useful to him.

“Why didn’t someone tell me about this years ago?!” Hunter Biden was heard shouting into his cell phone. “You mean to tell me you can pay people to keep quiet about all the horrible things you do?! Do you know how much hassle I could have saved myself if I knew about this?! Good grief, dad!”

Biden has been at the center of a number of unsavory scandals in recent years, from his involvement in Ukrainian business deals to his much-publicized use of illegal drugs and high-priced underage female escorts to his infamous laptop. With so much talk about “hush money” payments, he is now left to think about how differently things could have been handled. “It could have been so much easier!” he said. “Not only is my family rich, but I have access to billions and billions of taxpayer dollars and under-the-table corporate money! Come on!”

Hunter’s frustration was only compounded later in the day after he learned that his status as the son of a Democrat politician would also grant him total immunity from any legal repercussions resulting from “hush money” payments.

At publishing time, Hunter was busy placing calls to his father’s staff in Washington to ask if it’s possible to make multiple high-dollar domestic and international “hush money” payments retroactively.

https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-wishing-hed-heard-about-this-hush-money-concept-a-whole-lot-earlier

From The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.

“We got him dead to rights,” said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. “No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!”

The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from ’97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:

Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer

In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. “The tag says ‘except by consumer.’ I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne.”

“Witch hunt!”

https://babylonbee.com/news/manhattan-da-to-indict-trump-for-removing-mattress-tag-in-1997

From The Babylon Bee:

PALM BEACH, FL — Democrat dreams of seeing President Donald Trump indicted and arrested this week were dealt a blow after Trump revealed he had preemptively pardoned himself prior to leaving office in January 2021.

“The radical Democrats will not succeed in this WITCH HUNT! I happen to have given myself the biggest, most beautiful pardon the day before I left the White House,” Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. “This pardon exonerates me from any crime I did or didn’t commit, at any time, ever, now or in the future. It is the greatest, most powerful pardon in the history of the world. The Democrats will not win! It’s all a SHAM! SAD!”

Attorneys and other legal experts were reportedly engaged in debate as to whether or not it’s actually possible for someone to pardon themselves for a crime they say they haven’t committed. “This would be quite unprecedented,” said lawyer and law professor Alan Dershowitz. “For a President to pardon himself for a crime, then maintain his innocence of the said crime, is a bold move, even for Donald Trump. This may go far beyond ‘4D chess’ and into a fifth dimension of chess. The man is simply brilliant.”

Democratic leaders from all levels of government remained convinced that this was finally going to be the time they successfully brought down Trump. “All the other stuff we’ve made up hasn’t worked,” said one unnamed Democratic insider, “but this time — THIS TIME — it’s going to work! For real!”

At publishing time, Trump was planning to release a limited edition NFT trading card of his pardon for himself and sell it for $100 million.

https://babylonbee.com/news/4d-chess-trump-reveals-he-preemptively-pardoned-himself-before-leaving-office

puns, cats, and all the silliness you’ve come to expect

you want math puns?

you can’t HANDLE the math puns

but can you “police” yourselves?

because if you can’t, i know a guy…

though it might take a minute to get a hold of him

Continue laughing

From The Babylon Bee

MANHATTAN, NY — Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.

“I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs,” said Mr. Bragg. “I’m about to charge up his base like you’ve never seen!”

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. “Check and mate, libs,” laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. “I’ve already put in my request to be Trump’s Transportation Secretary, I hear it’s super easy. 2024, here we come!”

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. “The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking – what more could the Trump campaign ask for?” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He’s playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers.”

At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.

https://babylonbee.com/news/manhattan-da-announces-plan-to-get-trump-elected-in-2024

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are moments in history when our nation’s elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley Bank instead.

“Think of the poor billionaire tech entrepreneurs,” said one member of Congress while replacing his lapel’s Ukraine pin with a Google logo pin. “We ask that our brothers-in-arms at Lockheed-Martin bear with us until we push this tax hike through while acting like we don’t want to push it through.”

Mainstream media criticized the move to bail out an industry rife with corruption and waste, arguing American taxpayer dollars could be better spent on NPR payroll, spying on parents, an illegal immigrant tram, gain-of-function research into Ebola, or Ukraine.

At publishing time, the first bailout check had arrived at the office of newly-hired Big Tech CEO Volodymyr Zelensky.

https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-takes-brief-pause-from-sending-all-of-your-tax-dollars-to-ukraine-to-send-them-to-silicon-valley-bank

From The Babylon Bee:

GARY, IN — A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family’s table.

“The grocery store bills keep getting bigger and bigger, but I sure am glad I can pay for these bankers to get out of trouble,” said Owen Gaffney on his 30-minute lunch break during his 12-hour shift at the construction site. “I’ve got a stressed-out wife and four little kids at home who need to be taken care of, but hey, at least Silicon Valley Bank deposits will be secured, right?”

Gaffney’s sacrifice continues the time-honored American tradition of passing the financial burden left by the mistakes of banks, billionaires, and huge corporations onto everyday taxpayers across the country. “Our nation learned a very powerful lesson back in 2008,” said historian and economist Christopher Merriott, “and that lesson is that government institutions and corporations can make horrific decisions and the taxpayers will bail them out. God Bless America!”

Gaffney said he’ll continue to do his part. “Hey, I’m all for helping people out when they’re having a hard time,” he said. “I’m sure those banks will be there for me and my family when we can’t afford to eat or pay our water bill, right? Right? I’m actually asking.”

At publishing time, CEOs of major financial institutions and companies were all gathering at a top-secret meeting to determine what stupid moves they could make next since their actions have no real consequences.

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-struggling-to-feed-family-just-glad-he-could-help-bail-out-bank