Category Archives: Humor

Libertarian Voters Flock To Trump After Learning He Avoided Paying Taxes

From the Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Trump is polling high among an unexpected group: libertarians, who were energized and drawn to Trump’s cause after the New York Times revealed that he paid as little as $750 in federal taxes some years.

“Only paying a few hundred in federal theft? This guy is my hero!” said libertarian man Murray Mickelson of New Hampshire. “If only all of us could be that smart with our taxes.”

“The less theft, the better!”

Libertarians across the country paid tribute to Trump’s accomplishment by firing their AR-15s into the air and doing hard drugs, though this is what they were already planning on doing anyway.

Jo Jorgenson’s poll numbers have plummeted as a result of the revelation, with both of her supporters saying they’re switching to Trump.

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-approval-rating-skyrockets-after-revelation-he-avoided-paying-taxes

Chevrolet Releases California-Compliant Horse And Buggy

From the Babylon Bee:

State With No Electricity Orders Everyone To Drive Cars That Run On Electricity

From the Babylon Bee:

SACRAMENTO, CA—Gavin Newsom, governor of the state with the highest people-to-electricity ratio in the nation, banned gasoline cars yesterday via executive order. The order takes effect in 2035, meaning by that time, everyone in the state with no electricity will only be able to plug in their cars to the power grid that does not work.

“Everyone, plug in those cars!” Newsom said proudly in a room lit only by candlelight, since, you know, the whole electricity thing. “Other states run on backward, outdated fossil fuels. We are the state of the future, so we will run solely on electricity. Which, you know, we’re working on. We could have power by 2035. You never know.”

There was an awkward silence.

“SCIENCE!” Newsom said, regaining his momentum and drawing applause from the reporters gathered.

By the year 2035, the move is expected to completely eliminate all gasoline car carbon emissions, smog, and California residents.

Genius Trump Nominates Joe Biden To Supreme Court Forcing Dems To Accuse Him Of Sexual Assault

From the Babylon Bee:

Biden Forgets To Put On Clothes, Media Praises His Majestic Outfit

From the Babylon Bee:

KISSIMMEE, FL—Joe Biden was taken out of the cooler in his campaign bus to give a speech at a campaign stop today, but oops! He forgot to put on clothes.

No worries for the Biden campaign, though. The media quickly praised his “regal” and “elegant” outfit, calling it “majestic” and “presidential.”

“Look at that perfect business suit he’s wearing — looks like real presidential material to me!” said one CNN reporter before going off to write a puff piece on Kamala Harris’ shoes.

“He’s quite a dresser — really knows how to wear that stylish and elegant suit well,” whispered an MSNBC reporter. “Well done, Joe. Well done indeed.”

But one young boy who wandered into the campaign event, thinking it to be a fun clown show, took one look at Biden and shouted, “Hey, he’s not wearing any clothes!”

The other journalists all turned and looked at him, shocked at his gaslighting.

“Get him!” they cried. But, instead of tackling him, they observed social distancing guidelines and simply went after his old tweets.

Academy Strips ‘Schindler’s List’ Of Best Picture Award Due To Lack Of Diversity

From the Babylon Bee:

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has stripped Schindler’s List of its Best Motion Picture award for not having enough LGBTQ+ characters, people of color, and other oppressed groups.

California Looter Frustrated His New TV Requires Electricity To Work

From the Babylon Bee

Remy: People Will Die!

Governor Newsom Claims Rolling Blackouts Are To Show Support For Black Lives Matter

From the Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—In a powerful statement to support the BLM movement, Governor Gavin Newsom has ordered rolling blackouts across the state. The beautiful, powerful message will turn the entire state black: a political statement that can be seen from space.

While many thought the blackouts were due to poor planning and unrealistic green energy requirements, Newsom clarified that he ordered the blackouts as a powerful display supporting BLM.

“Some people post black squares on their Instagram accounts — we’re taking it a step further and turning the whole state completely black,” Newsom said of the rolling blackouts hitting the state. “If you don’t turn off power to your citizens on the hottest day of the year, do you really care about social justice?” Silence ensued. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place as the gathered journalists contemplated their internalized white supremacy. “I didn’t think so.”

Newsom clarified that his own house and winery will remain lit so as to be a “shining beacon in the darkness, a reminder that we can all aspire to do better.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/in-powerful-statement-governor-newsom-implements-statewide-blackout-to-support-black-lives-matter

Anonymous White House Source Claims Trump Punched A Baby

From the Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—An anonymous report from anonymous sources confirmed without a doubt that Trump has punched a baby directly in the face, completely unprovoked. According to the anonymous sources that are so anonymous they speak mainly through quiet whispers carried along on the north winds, Trump was in the Oval Office when he saw the innocent baby and ruthlessly assaulted him.

“That baby, he looked at me funny,” said Trump, according to 48 sources who wish to remain unidentified. “I know a funny look when I see one. What a dope! That baby looks like a complete and total loser. You want a piece of me, baby?”

Secret witnesses who have not been named are confirming that Trump wound up and punched the baby square in the face, even though the baby had done nothing aggressive or right-wing that would rightly provoke such an attack. “I prefer babies who aren’t total losers,” said Trump. “That baby was a complete disaster. Looked at me funny. Probably a member of Antifa. Sad.”

Nancy Pelosi has confirmed that the anonymous sources cited by the media have leaked further information on Trump’s alleged altercation with the baby. She has assured the public she will be conducting a thorough and anonymous investigation.

The media has reached out to the baby, who chooses to remain anonymous. According to media investigators, the baby, in his first words, has anonymously endorsed Biden for president.

Republicans have denied the allegations, calling them “stupid” and “ridiculous” and saying they’re 95% sure Trump would never do anything like that.

https://babylonbee.com/news/anonymous-white-house-source-claims-trump-punched-a-baby