Category Archives: Humor

He Said That? 8/2/17

From Dennis Miller (born 1953), American stand-up comedian, political commentator and sports commentator, and television/radio personality:

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

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He Said That? 7/24/17

SLL never tells its readers what to do. However, tonight I have a suggestion. If you need a laugh, or more accurately many laughs, or more accurately still many deep-from-the-belly laughs, give P.G. Wodehouse a try. He has, on occasion, reduced me to tears. From Wodehouse, (1881–1975), English author and humorist, The Best of Wodehouse: An Anthology (2007):

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy’s Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city’s reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.

He Said That

From the Star Wars-themed fake paper submitted by Neuroskeptic to nine scientific journals and accepted by four:

May the farce be with you, by Lee Travis

This would be hilarious were it not so disturbing. From Lee Travis at defiant thinking.wordpress.com:

People put so much weight on what the “experts” say – it’s easier to abdicate our own research and critical thinking and rely on others who are supposed to know more than we do. It makes sense to an extent – no one has time to do their own research on every question that comes up, especially complicated issues like science or economics – but blanket trust placed in others, simply because they have a degree or have been published somewhere, can be a dangerous thing.

Case in point: A scientist who blogs under the name “Neuroskeptic” wrote a spoof academic piece and submitted it to nine scientific publications, to see whether any would publish what was clearly and explicitly a farce. He chose a Star Wars theme for his submission, writing under the names “Dr. Lucas McGeorge” and “Dr. Annette Kin,” and focusing on the “midi-chlorians,” fictional entities that live inside cells and give Jedi their powers.

The bulk of the paper was a copy-and-paste of the mitochondria entry from Wikipedia, changed with a simple find/replace to turn mitochondr* into midichlor*. He then added clear Star Wars reference, such as:

  • “Beyond supplying cellular energy, midichloria perform functions such as Force sensitivity…”
  • “Involved in ATP production is the citric acid cycle, also referred to as the Kyloren cycle after its discoverer”
  • “Midi-chlorians are microscopic life-forms that reside in all living cells – without the midi-chlorians, life couldn’t exist, and we’d have no knowledge of the force. Midichlorial disorders often erupt as brain diseases, such as autism.”
  • He inserted dialogue verbatim from one of the movies, including the monologue on the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise.

To continue reading: May the farce be with you

Donald Trump and Family Attended Russian Ballet! by Robert Gore

Breaking News from CRBS!

Ashley Angleton, anchorperson: President Donald Trump and his entire extended family attended a performance of the Russian ballet, The Nutcracker, December 21, 2015. Russia’s Bolshoi Ballet troupe performed at New York’s Lincoln Center.

Joe Scabrous, anchorperson: You touched on it, Ashley, but I think it’s important to note right here that the ballet was composed by a Russian, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky—you can tell he’s Russian by his name—and performed by an all-Russian cast. The Nutcracker and The 1812 Overture are this Thaikovsky’s two most famous works. The 1812 Overture commemorates the War of 1812, and we know that a nutcracker cracks nuts, slang for testicles. So his most famous works pay tribute to Russian propensities for depraved sexual violence and war.

Ashley: Thanks for those insights, Joe. CRBS has also confirmed that after the performance, Trump and his family were given exclusive access backstage, where they met Russian members of the cast. It has been alleged by some Russian refugees in this country that the troupe is well-stocked with Putin’s spies. Anonymous sources within the US intelligence community have said, “You never know.” What we do know is that members of Trump’s family and campaign team met with Russians during the campaign. Anonymous sources from the intelligence community have also said the Russians hacked the campaign because they funded RT. These newly revealed Bolshoi contacts move the Trump-Russian collusion all the way back to the end of 2015 and offer further confirmation of Russian interference.

Joe: At that time, everyone except perhaps Donald Trump was treating his campaign as a joke, but it looks like the Russians weren’t. This Bolshoi incident just about seals the case that the Russians wanted Trump to win and did everything possible to make sure that happened. Say what you want about Vladimir Putin, the man’s no idiot. Clearly this ballet affair was orchestrated from the top.

Ashley: There are reports from the man seated behind Trump that midway through the second act he got up from his seat and left the auditorium. Although a Trump spokesperson has said Trump went to the bathroom, it’s suspected that he left for a clandestine meeting with Russian agents. It’s telling that there are no pictures of Trump in his seat during the performance. The Trump spokesperson says that Lincoln Center bans pictures during performances, but Lincoln Center would neither confirm nor deny that policy. Where, with this suspicious absence of pictures, is the proof that Trump was in his seat at all during the performance and not collaborating with Russians?

Joe (shaking his head): Time after time we’ve seen this. Trump or his associates will be accused of doing something, and they will be unable to produce proof that they didn’t do it.

Ashley: Returning to the Trump family visit backstage, Russian ballerina Maya Federakova asked Trump’s granddaughter, Arabella Kushner, if she liked Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. Needless to say the LGBT community is outraged that the term “fairy” is still being used instead of “homosexual” or “gay man.” Russian homophobia, exemplified by Vladimir Putin, has been well-documented.

Joe: In other contacts with Trump’s grandchildren, members of the cast gave them matryoshka dolls, or what we know as nesting dolls. Matryoshka is a Russian word, by the way. It’s important to ask right here: what was nesting in those nesting dolls? Speculation runs high that they contained Russian intelligence files with information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. The FBI has reportedly requested search warrants for the dolls and will examine them once Trump turns them over. Trump spokespeople have refused to answer questions about the dolls or if Trump will challenge the FBI in court.

Ashley: Bolshoi-gate, as it’s now being called, has elicited bipartisan calls for new investigations. John McCain and prominent Democrats say that this is the smoking gun that should move impeachment proceedings forward.

Joe: We’ll keep both eyes on this developing story. Now we go to Ursula Unctuous, who continues her five-part series on Chelsea Clinton’s work with homeless kittens and other worthy causes and her chances for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination.

He Said That? 7/9/17

From comedian John McDowell:

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.

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Government Repair Kit, from Western Rifle Shooters Association