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Category Archives: Humor
Dems Pause January 6 Hearings To Call For Insurrection
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government.
“On January 6th, a branch of our federal government was almost overthrown because politicians used dangerous rhetoric that caused—wait, hold on everyone, I just got the update. Roe‘s been overturned!” said Representative Adam Schiff. “Okay, well if all the Republicans could please sit tight, there will be a brief recess while our Democratic caucus takes to the streets demanding we overthrow a branch of the federal government.”
After closing down their presentation entitled “How Trump Undermined Institutional Authority”, Democrats raced to join the crowd surrounding the Supreme Court building. “Rigged! Rigged decision!” shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren. “Judges must no longer be allowed to hold power! We will never abide by an illegitimate decision by an illegitimate court. Fight, fight!” she screamed as beleaguered police arrived in riot gear.
Despite the fact liberal states will still have the most permissive abortion laws in the world outside North Korea, Democrats helpfully painted the Supreme Court’s decision as a matter of life and death. “They are literally going to enslave every woman in America and force them to have 17 babies,” said Representative Ilhan Omar to a group of mentally unstable lunatics. “Which is why the Supreme Court cannot stand! To the streets!” she shouted, then returned to the House for a speech on why Trump’s words were directly responsible for violence.
At publishing time, the January 6 committee had resumed its hearings to the stark sound of no one caring.
https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-pause-january-6-hearings-to-call-for-insurrection
Empire Confiscates Luke Skywalker’s Lightsaber Under New Red Flag Law
From The Babylon Bee:
CORUSCANT—The Empire recently passed a series of red flag laws designed to help identify individuals who might be a danger to themselves and others. The laws passed the Galactic Senate unanimously with one vote from the Emperor, since he is the Senate.
And it was just in time, because the Empire was able to utilize the laws to confiscate the lightsaber, blaster, and X-Wing from known unstable terrorist Luke Skywalker.
“Luckily, thanks to red flag laws, we were able to identify Mr. Skywalker as a threat and disarm him before he could do any damage,” said Emperor Palpatine. “Imagine how many jobs he would have destroyed if he had been able to stop the construction of Death Star II from proceeding.”
“Thankfully, the battle station will be quite operational.”
While some expressed their concern about the unilateral ability of the Emperor to declare people a threat and just take away their ability to defend themselves, the Empire’s press secretary, K’rynne Gene’pe’rre—hailed as the first gay trans black Twi’lek individual to hold the role—assured reporters that Skywalker was given due process during the proceedings, and that all the paperwork checked out.
“This red flag law worked exactly as it was supposed to,” Gene’pe’rre said. “We were able to get his weapons from him and stop him before he harmed himself or others.”
One reporter grilled Gene’pe’rre on a more pressing question—how a starcruiser could jump to lightspeed through another starcruiser despite that not ever having happened before in the history of the galaxy—but Gene’pe’rre said she would have to “circle back” on that.
https://babylonbee.com/news/empire-confiscates-luke-skywalkers-lightsaber-under-new-red-flag-law
Nancy Pelosi Recommends Avoiding Pain At The Pump By Becoming A Millionaire Through Insider Trading
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement given this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she feels for Americans struggling with prices at the pump and offered a suggestion for how to cope by becoming a millionaire through insider trading.
“If you want to avoid suffering from high gas prices, the solution is simple,” she said. “Just get elected to Congress and spend decades trading stocks based on insider information only Congress is allowed to have! Easy!”
“You’ll even have money left over for ice cream and to bail your spouse out of prison if they get a DUI!”
Republicans condemned Pelosi’s callous statements, contesting that Americans should instead pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work harder, and maybe meet with a few ExxonMobil lobbyists for some extra cash.
“Pelosi’s advice is sound, but we’ve found this approach only works for one out of every 350 million Americans,” said local Democratic strategist Yance Parmesan. “For everyone unable to enrich themselves as a career politician, we recommend you just ask Biden for a gas card or buy an electric car. Simple as that!”
At publishing time, gas prices rose even higher, forcing Pelosi to get a second job delivering pizzas.
After ‘Lightyear’ Bombs, Disney Quietly Cancels Their Upcoming Movie ‘Brokeback Woody’
From The Babylon Bee:
BURBANK, CA—With Lightyear and its cartoon lesbian romance flopping at the box office, sources say Disney has decided to quietly pull the plug on its upcoming movie Brokeback Woody.
“Little Bo Peep was about to find out what Woody and Pete the Prospector were really up to when they were off with the ‘Roundup Gang’,” said actor Chris Evans. “Such a shame. One day all the backward bigoted dinosaurs in America will die off, and our country will finally be ready for kids’ cartoons with gratuitous gay toy-cowboy sex.”
Disney had planned to roll out Brokeback Woody in early 2023, followed later that year by Cars 4: Lightning McDragQueen. “It’s definitely a setback,” said director Angus MacLane. “We already had new Woody toys in production with a whole new set of phrases he says when you pull his string. There was ‘Howdy, life partner!’ and also ‘Giddy up, queen!'”
Tom Hanks voiced deep disappointment in the cancellation, believing his role as “gay Woody” could have had him in line for another Oscar. “It’s really a shame how Lightyear mysteriously bombed after firing the lead voice actor for his political beliefs and adding a sexual agenda for kids,” said Mr. Hanks. “Luckily for me, I can always fall back on narrating videos about how incredible the Biden administration is doing.”
At publishing time, Disney announced they would be replacing the Brokeback Woody project with a more subtle Mx. Potato Head.
Man On 8th Booster Still Chasing That High He Got With The First Shot
From The Babylon Bee:
BOSTON, MA—According to sources, local man Marley Maddingly is on his 8th COVID booster, but he’s still chasing that high he felt when he got that first Pfizer shot to protect himself and others while showing the world he was a good person.
“It’s… just not the same anymore,” said Maddingly sadly to reporters while applying his third mask and leaving the vaccination center. “The rush of adrenaline, the swelling pride, the warm feeling of safety—as if being wrapped in the arms of loving pharmaceutical executives, that’s all gone now. I feel empty.”
Sources reported that Maddingly is also quietly starting to question the effectiveness of these vaccines due to the fact he’s caught COVID four times and had three heart attacks in the last three years.
“I’m 8 boosters in. I’m in too deep. It’s too late to turn back now,” he lamented.
At publishing time, Maddingly elected to try the monkeypox vaccine, scheduled his 9th booster and had another heart attack.
https://babylonbee.com/news/man-on-8th-booster-still-chasing-that-high-he-got-with-the-first-shot
Nation’s Dads Participate In Ancient Ritual Of One Yearly Guilt-Free Nap (Happy Fathers’ Day!)
From The Babylon Bee:
WORLD—Today, patriarchs around the world participated in an ancient Father’s Day ritual passed down through centuries: their one annual guilt-free afternoon nap.
“Dads spend all year looking forward to Father’s Day when we are given permission to lie down on the couch or in our recliner without our wives standing over us and reminding us of all the things they need us to do around the house,” said Dan Danners, a local dad. “It’s a sacred tradition.”
Scholars believe the tradition began with King Solomon, who lamented the vanity of the mountains of Father’s Day presents he got from his 328 kids and requested a quiet afternoon resting his eyes in his royal chambers instead.
Many believe this nap is enough to power most dads through an entire year of working, fixing things around the house, and playing with kids. Dads are welcome to take naps on any other day of the year but should expect the nap to be accompanied by waves of extreme guilt.
At publishing time, most dads are now relaxing on the couch watching TV to recover from their guilt-free nap.
https://babylonbee.com/news/nations-dads-participate-in-ancient-ritual-of-one-yearly-guilt-free-nap
Aides Worried Biden May Have Concussion As He Starts Speaking Coherently
From The Babylon Bee:
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE—Aides are fearful President Biden may have suffered a severe concussion from his bike wreck this morning, as he has suddenly begun speaking coherently.
“He got into the presidential limo and said verbatim, ‘I think rapidly adding trillions of dollars in liquidity could be accelerating inflation!’—that’s when I knew something was wrong,” said Secret Service agent Paul Mancuso. “If he doesn’t start slurring his speech and mumbling incoherently soon, we’ll have to get him to a doctor.”
Reporters on the scene of the crash said Biden could be heard screaming ‘Putiiiin!’ as his bike toppled sideways. Dr. Jill Biden immediately rushed to her husband, prepared to give a lecture on education. “I’m ok, I’m ok!” said Biden, quickly getting back to his feet. “In fact, I was just thinking how selecting people for nationally significant roles based on intersectionality as opposed to merit will likely lead to harming minorities due to leadership incompetence,” said Biden to a stunned crowd. “What? Why is everyone staring at me?”
News of Biden’s tumble quickly spread through media, with the cast of The View responding by all falling off their bikes on live TV to show how normal it is. Former President Trump, for his part, mocked Biden by entering a rally on a BMX bike and nailing a perfect 180 tailwhip. “No handle bars, not even hard!” said Mr. Trump, laughing as he biked around the stage. “What a loser!”
At publishing time, aides were reportedly breathing a sigh of relief as Biden yelled at them to “Stop undermining my statements about sparmaglerbin!”
https://babylonbee.com/news/aides-worried-biden-may-have-concussion-as-he-starts-speaking-coherently
Explorers Discover Remote Island Untouched By Pride Month
From The Babylon Bee:
PACIFIC OCEAN—In what experts are calling a statistical impossibility, intrepid explorers have announced the discovery of a remote island in a secluded corner of the Pacific Ocean that has been untouched by Pride Month.
This inconceivable discovery comes at a time when every infinitesimal piece of modern life has been enriched with joyous, inclusive messages urging everyone to celebrate Pride Month or else be destroyed.
“It was truly shocking to enter the island village lacking the requisite Pride parades and rainbow banners,” wrote head explorer, Captain Bob Magellan (he/him), in his vellum-lined explorer’s diary. “These natives seem bizarrely content and happy, despite a complete absence of the neverending deluge of LGBTQ awareness campaigns. Utterly fascinating.”
Anthropologists are baffled that the isolated community has survived this long without access to pansexual kindergarten teachers, gender-fluid TikTok influencers, and blue hair dye. The current hypothesis is that the island’s children are smiling because they don’t even know how oppressed they could choose to be by arbitrarily switching genders or sexual orientations.
Typically, the anthropological community takes great care in minimizing modern influences among aboriginal cultures, but all experts have agreed that, in this case, an exception must be made for the survival of this remote island population.
UPDATE: Thanks to the courage of activist missionaries, the island is now overrun with Pride flags, and all inhabitants are currently attending a compulsory drag queen story hour.
https://babylonbee.com/news/explorers-discover-remote-island-untouched-by-pride-month
Biden Administration To Provide Grief Counselors At All Gas Pumps
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to help alleviate pain at the pump, the Biden Administration has announced a $1 billion initiative to provide grief and trauma counselors to stand by at all gas pumps across the nation.
The plan will fund licensed therapists and psychiatrists to stand at the ready at gas pumps from New York to California to comfort people mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars every time they fill up their tanks.
“There, there. It’s gonna be OK,” said one grief counselor as a woman filled up her VW at a gas pump in California. “Times like these can be difficult to cope with, but we can survive Putin’s Price Hike if we look deep within ourselves for strength and guidance. Now, let’s try some breathing exercises.”
Another woman in Ohio burst into tears after paying over $3 for gas for the first time in her life.
“Shhh, shhh, it’s OK, honey,” said one therapist, stroking her hair. “You’re going through the stages of grief. Soon, you’ll learn to live with $10 gas. You literally won’t even remember when gas was as cheap as it was during the Trump administration.”
“I know, I know,” the woman replied. “It’s just so hard to accept. I miss… I miss Trump.”
Biden has actually gotten pretty hands-on during this initiative, reporting that he plans to comfort young women at gas pumps himself from time to time “to help chip in.” “It’s the least I can do,” he said before stationing himself at a gas pump and waiting for a cute young girl to pull up.
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-administration-to-provide-grief-counselors-at-all-gas-pumps
STRAIGHT LINE LOGIC 