Category Archives: Humor

Biden Reminds Everyone That Black Justices Can Be Just As Smart As Rich Ones

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.

“Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones,” said Biden to reporters. “Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn’t mean they can’t be judges too! Come on folks! This ain’t complicated! If I haven’t nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain’t black!”

Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.

“Mixed race judges don’t qualify,” said Biden, insisting they “aren’t black enough.”

It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even where he is right now.

“I’m proud to be the first President in history to get one of them blacks on the Supreme Court,” said Biden. “Clarance Thomas doesn’t count. He’s a bit too uppity for my taste.”

Biden then saluted his framed portrait of Robert Byrd and took a nap.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-reminds-aids-black-justices-can-be-just-as-smart-as-rich-ones

Virus Maker

Image

h/t The Burning Platform

Biden To Nominate Progressive Woman Of Color Elizabeth Warren To Supreme Court

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As progressive Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement this week, President Biden wasted no time in nominating a progressive woman of color to the Supreme Court: Elizabeth Warren.

“I’m proud to nominate noble Cherokee savage Elizabeth Warren to the highest court in the land,” said Biden. “She’s a noted woman of color and I know she’ll do a heck of a job–just like she did against my Tennessee militiamen at the Tugaloo River. Wow, she took so many scalps that day folks. Just give this injun lady a chance, will ya?”

Warren graciously accepted the nomination as a “victory for her people” and promised future court rulings would rubber-stamp every single unconstitutional law. “The Constitution is a white man’s document anyway,” she said. “Document no good.” she then spat on the ground.

If confirmed, Warren will serve a lifetime appointment, remaining on the bench until she has scalped every last billionaire.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-to-nominate-progressive-woman-of-color-elizabeth-warren-to-supreme-court

Psaki Recommends Ukrainians Just Take A Kickboxing Class And Have A Margarita

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Russia continues to amass forces to invade Ukraine, sources say Ukrainians are feeling down about the whole situation. To help them deal with a very depressing week, White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki recommended Ukrainians just unwind with some kickboxing classes and margaritas to make themselves feel better.

“Listen, I know this is a very sad time,” said Psaki. “I want to encourage you to feel those emotions. Then go do some kickboxing, or maybe some hot yoga or pilates, and then drown your sorrows in tequila while at brunch with your girlfriends. Sometimes, that’s all you can do!”

Foreign policy experts and State Department officials agree that this may be the only option left available to Ukrainians who want to live in a free country apart from Russian tyranny since they already tried fighting Russians with all the blankets Obama sent them and it didn’t work very well.

To help ease the suffering of Ukraine, the Biden administration has offered to send them $68 Billion in tequila mixers and free N95 masks.

Psaki later clarified that Biden has committed to evacuating Burisma executives before Putin invades.

https://babylonbee.com/news/psaki-recommends-ukrainians-just-take-a-kickboxing-class-and-have-a-margarita

‘The Misinformation Is Coming From Inside The Building,’ Whispers Terrified CNN Misinformation Team Member

From The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA—A member of CNN’s Misinformation Squad was found hiding under a desk in the basement after making a frightful call to the police. “The misinformation is coming from inside the building,” whispered the terrified employee to an alarmed 911 dispatcher.

The employee, intern Jessie Furbank, was reportedly in tears as police escorted her out of the building, after which she allegedly asked for witness protection.

“I need a new identity, a new life—they’re going to find me!” said Jessie, according to witnesses.

A transcript has been released by the Atlanta Police Department that reveals the harrowing moment.


Dispatch:  This is 911, what is your emergency?

Furbank:  You have to [unintelligible] help! I’m–

Dispatch: Calm down, please. Are you in danger?

Furbank: Yes! I work at CNN. I [heavy breathing] I was hired to track misinformation, but—

[unknown banging noises]

Dispatch: Ma’am, are you alright?

Furbank: Did you just assume my gen– never mind, you have to come get me!

Dispatch: But what’s wrong?

Furbank: The misinformation—it’s… it’s coming from inside the building!

[screams]


According to reliable sources, Furbank claimed to have been attacked, but would not identify her attacker by name. However, when shown a picture of Brian Stelter she passed out.

Other members of the Misinformation Squad have refused to comment about the incident directly. “We only care about misinformation from Fox News,” they said nervously.


https://babylonbee.com/news/the-misinformation-is-coming-from-inside-the-building-whispers-terrified-cnn-misinformation-team-member

Biden Says Russia Can Invade Ukraine So Long As They Avoid Hunter’s Gas Company

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don’t blow up the oil company paying for Hunter’s art lessons.

“I looked Vladimir straight in the eye,” said President Biden in a haunting whisper. “I told him, I said – ‘Vlady boy, I know you’re going to invade Ukraine. I know, because every major news network in the world says so. So let’s get one thing straight. I’m okay with it. I don’t like Ukrainians with all their borscht, it upsets my tummy. But that oil company pays Hunter $50K a month, and do you know how expensive art lessons are these days, Vlad? You lay one finger on Burisma’s boardroom, and so help me I will nuke Stalingrad.'”

Ukrainian officials were reportedly caught off guard, and a little perturbed, by President Biden’s approval of them being invaded. “I thought we were friends. I gave him all that borscht,” said President Zelensky. “What even is a ‘minor invasion’? Is this some American term I don’t know? I thought I heard him say that before about a woman named Tara Reade. Get me my translator!”

Elsewhere, Chinese officials announced they were happy to hear that President Biden would be in support of their performing a “minor invasion” into Taiwan. Afghanis thanked President Biden for allowing the Taliban to only perform a minor takeover, and January 6th rioters asked to have their breaking into the Capitol re-classified as a “minor incursion”.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-says-russia-can-invade-ukraine-so-long-as-they-avoid-hunters-oil-company

We Still Have Each Other

h/t GaltsGulchOnline

Historians Discover Document From 1776 That Removes All Mandates And Restrictions

From The Babylon Bee:

PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.

“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence.”

Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to think.”

“Also, they were both kind of crazy. We’re looking into a latent Corn Pop connection as well,” he added.

In response to the find, the Supreme Court has granted a stay on all current vaccine and mask mandates, as well as every other stupid mandate on the books.

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said of the document, “The president is just working to tear down our nation’s values and unite us all under a one-world government to protect us from a virus with a high probability of survival. That doesn’t make him a tyrant. He’s not even British.”

At publishing time, mandates and restrictions were reinstated after it was revealed the author of the declaration was local racist Thomas Jefferson.

https://babylonbee.com/news/historians-discover-document-from-1776-that-removes-all-mandates-and-restrictions

Democrats Warn That Republicans Plan To Steal Election By Blocking Democrat Efforts To Steal Election

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have issued a dire warning to the American people that Republicans will steal the election in 2022 by blocking all Democrat efforts to steal the election.

“Republicans want to destroy our democracy by stealing the election, just like Hitler,” said Nancy Pelosi in a speech supporting the Voting Rights Act. “If Republicans are not stopped, they will block all our noble efforts to steal the election for ourselves, because Republicans are racist and want to bring back Jim Crow. We cannot allow that!”

The crowd of enthusiastic school kids in the audience who had been bussed in for the speech cheered in agreement.

Democrat strategists agree that their best hope in the midterms is to cheat as much as possible. They warn that if their cheating is stopped by Republicans, Republican candidates may win, which is the same thing as literal fascism.

“When Democrats cheat, that’s just Democracy as Martin Luther King intended,” said Pelosi. “When Republicans stop Democrats from cheating, that’s an unfair attack on Democracy itself. We will not rest until the will of felons, illegal immigrants, and dead people are heard and every vote is counted!”

Republicans started to say something in objection but stopped short after being told that was cheating.

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-that-republicans-may-steal-the-election-by-blocking-democrat-efforts-to-steal-the-election

Covidiocy, from The Burning Platform

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