Category Archives: Humor

Public School Teachers Continue To Insist Their Jobs Are Non-Essential

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Public school teachers gathered outside the schoolhouses of the nation this week, continuing to insist quite adamantly that their jobs are non-essential.

“We need to lockdown all non-essential work, like teaching, due to the coronavirus pandemic,” stated one teacher protesting outside her local elementary school. “What we do in the classroom is really not adding the kind of value to your children’s upbringing that we should risk spreading the virus.”

“If you look at the graduation rates, standardized test scores, and the studies that indicate public schools aren’t preparing students for the real world, believe me, we’re not doing your child any favors,” she added.

Another teacher holding a sign which read ‘Don’t Make Us Work!’ quickly chimed in, “But we should still be paid until there is a vaccine. People are suffering in this crisis, essential workers and non-essential workers alike, and we all just need to get through this together. God bless our essential workers.”

At publishing time, the protesters had ordered food delivery and more protesting supplies that arrived to them thanks to the hard work of actual essential workers.

https://babylonbee.com/news/public-school-teachers-adamantly-insist-their-jobs-are-non-essential

Biden Says He Can’t Wait To Find Out Who He Picked For VP

From The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources in the Biden campaign, the presidential candidate is on pins and needles waiting to see who it is he picked to run for vice president on his ticket.
Campaign aides say it’s been Biden’s most anticipated event since he found out he was running for president a few weeks ago.

A reporter asked Biden if he could hint about his VP pick during a brief interlude from his stay in the basement, where he was allowed to come upstairs to get some snacks.

“Oh boy — I hope it’s a real classy broad,” he said as he drank straight from the milk jug. “I bet I picked somebody good and smart. A chick with class and style. You know, in my day, dames were dames and guys were guys. None of this ‘guys becoming dolls’ and ‘dolls becoming guys’ stuff. We would go down to the hop and do the mashed potato. You know, there’s lots of good nnnn– nutrients and stuff in potatoes. Potato is a funny word.”

“Po – ta – to.”

“OK, Joe, let’s go,” said an aide, shoving him down into the basement. “What Joe was trying to say is that he’s chosen a well-qualified candidate who will run the country — err, I mean, help him run the country — with excellence.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-excited-to-find-out-who-he-picked-for-vp

Gracious Trump Suggests Delaying Election Until Dems Find A Candidate Who Can Form Coherent Sentences

From The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump, always desiring to be gracious and fair, suggested delaying the election yesterday until the Dems can find a candidate who can form complete, coherent sentences.

“Look, I want this to be fair,” Trump said. “Why don’t we push this thing off six months or so? That will give the Dems plenty of time to try to find someone who can go toe to toe with me. It won’t be easy. There aren’t many. But I’m sure they can find a worthy opponent for me to beat.”

Trump was praised for the graciousness and compassion of the move.

“I disagree with Trump on everything, but this was really nice of him,” said a DNC spokesperson. “We’re going back to the drawing board and trying to find someone who can talk and think and all those qualities you really want in a leader.”

The Democrats did manage to locate a few candidates who can string sentences together, but sadly they were all accused of sexual assault, so Trump agreed to give them another six months.

Dr. Fauci Recommends Encasing Your Entire Body In Bubble Wrap To Protect Against Coronavirus

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.

“Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things,” Fauci said. “You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I’m just a medical doctor and can’t speak to any other risk factors this may introduce.”

Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.

“I mean, other people should do that, not me,” he said, chuckling. “I can go to a baseball game and stuff without worrying about protecting against that kind of stuff, because I’m a doctor. The virus and I are on good terms.”

Some doctors quickly held a press conference to point out the dangers of wearing the new full-body bubble wrap cocoons, but their video was banned from Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube for containing dangerous medical misinformation.

At publishing time, Fauci had also pointed out that the bubbles are really fun to pop and admitted that may have informed his recommendation.

https://babylonbee.com/news/dr-fauci-recommends-full-body-bubble-wrap-cocoon-to-protect-against-coronavirus

Orcs March On Minas Tirith In Mostly Peaceful Protest

From The Babylon Bee:

MINAS TIRITH—Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

“Everything is very calm, very peaceful here,” said a reporter from Gondor News Network. “It’s very tranquil.” Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him intolembas bread.

Gondor’s government was criticized for “police brutality” when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan’s armies finally charged in to break things up.

“We were just peacefully protesting — Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back,” said one Orc. “Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill — and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I’m literally shaking right now.”

https://straightlinelogic.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post-new.php

‘Trump Might Not Accept The Results Of The 2020 Election,’ Says Movement That Still Hasn’t Accepted Results Of 2016 Election

From The Babylon Bee

U.S.—Leftists are warning that President Donald Trump might not accept the results of the 2020 election.

These same lefitsts have spent the last four years declaring that Trump is not their president, that Hillary Clinton actually won because she won the popular vote, and that Trump only won because of Russian interference.

“It would absolutely destroy our democracy if Trump were to decide he won’t accept the results of the election,” said one woman in Seattle wearing a “Hillary Is My President” T-shirt. “We can’t continue to exist as a society if people don’t accept the basic rules governing a peaceful transfer of power.”

“Also, Trump stole the election and is not my president.” She then faced Washington for her evening screaming at the sky, a ritual she performs five times a day.

The party that still believes Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, Hillary won the 2016 election, and Stacey Abrams is actually the governor of Georgia continues to sound the alarm that Trump will destroy our national norms should he cast doubt on the results of the coming presidential race.

Trump dispelled rumors that he will not accept the results of the election, sa

Motorcyclist dies in crash. Must be COVID. By Simon Black

Simon Black’s weekly chronicle of idiocy and absurdity. From Black at sovereignman.com:

Are you ready for this week’s absurdity? Here’s our Friday roll-up of the most ridiculous stories from around the world that are threats to your liberty, risks to your prosperity… and on occasion, inspiring poetic justice.

Art museum curator cancelled for not abandoning “white male artists”

Gary Garrels was the Senior Curator of Painting and Sculpture at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.

After giving a presentation on the importance of diversity in art, he ended by saying, “don’t worry, we will continue to collect white male artists.”

His word choice may be curious, but his entire point was that diversity should include everyone… and that means white, male artists too.

He had mentioned at another point that specifically excluding white artists would be reverse discrimination.

But this egregious sin was enough to elicit a Change.org petition from his co-workers calling for his ouster.

The petition claimed that Gary may be “deliberately racist.” It also claimed his use of the term “reverse discrimination” is “white supremacist and racist language.”

Gary bowed to the mob, and resigned.

Somehow, this petition did not violate Change.org’s policy against using petitions to bully.

Click here to read the full story.

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New and Improved Mask

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It’s Covid-19, from The Burning Platform

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https://www.theburningplatform.com/2020/07/20/its-covid-19/

Complete Moron Doesn’t Realize Social Justice Activists Changed The Definition Of Every Word Last Week

BILOXI, MS—Really smart experts everywhere are pulling their hair out with frustration due to thousands of uneducated people not realizing leading voices in critical theory and social justice activism changed all the definitions of every meaningful word in the English language just a few days ago.
Tensions escalated today when Dale Smithers, a Facebook user from Mississippi, wrote the comment: “I dunno… as a white man, I don’t think I’m a racist or that America is a racist country.”

At that ignorant statement, thousands of well-educated voices at universities around the country suddenly cried out in terror and refused to be silent.

“I literally just can’t with this guy,” said Xandace Bertheratrix, Dean of Race and Gender studies at NYU. “Doesn’t he know that whiteness isn’t a race but a system of oppression, and that maleness isn’t a gender but a system of oppression, and that America isn’t a place but a system of oppression, and that it’s literally impossible for those things to not be racist? I mean, come on, man!” Dr. Bertheratrix barely got her sentence out before hyperventilating and collapsing on the floor.

Unfortunately, the NYU staff overheard Xandace use the non-inclusive phrase “come on, man.” She was quickly carried off by campus social justice enforcers.

Further investigation revealed the horrifying truth that Smithers didn’t even know the definition of any of these terms:

  • Queerantagonism
  • Non-consensual co-platforming
  • Brown fragility
  • Microinvalidations
  • Mathematx
  • Intercorporeality
  • Autoethnography

He has been ordered to take reeducation courses or his farm will be canceled.

https://babylonbee.com/news/ignorant-moron-doesnt-realize-gender-studies-experts-changed-the-definition-of-every-word-last-week