Category Archives: Humor

Jean-Pierre Clarifies That Official White House Policy Is The Opposite Of Whatever Biden Says In Interviews

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a White House press conference focused on clarifying every statement Biden has ever made, Press Secretary Jean-Pierre clarified that the official White House policy was the opposite of whatever President Biden says in interviews.

This official policy comes on the tail of the White House clarifying and contradicting nearly every statement Biden has made regarding the pandemic, Taiwan, illegal immigrants, Russia, inflation, and unborn babies. Curiously, there has been no correction from the White House after Biden called half of U.S. citizens an existential threat to democracy.

“This policy is to stem confusion and reduce the number of questions asking for clarification and context,” said Jean-Pierre to journalists suffering dizzy spells from the flurry of claims, counterclaims, statements, clarifications, and contexts.

“She said what? That’s a bunch of goat honky; I’m the President of the United States of America,” said Biden in response to the White House’s new policy.

At publishing time, the White House clarified that Biden actually said, “She’s exactly right, and Trump is a terrorist.”

Liberals Sit Around Campfire To Tell Scary Climate Change Stories

From The Babylon Bee:

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YOSEMITE, CA — During a camping retreat this week to recharge for more rioting before, during, and after the midterm elections, a group of progressives sat around a campfire and enjoyed swapping scary stories about climate change.

“Then, the tropical storms combined with the raging wildfires into an inferno – and then, the floods from the melting ice caps filled up with acid rain, and tornadoes broke out!” Gretchen Deebly spoke to her friends with a solar-powered flashlight under her chin, her face barely illuminated from the weak charge. Her friends huddled together under a microfiber Patagonia blanket that provided no warmth, sources confirm, noting that their skinny vegan bodies also failed to provide any warmth. According to sources, the liberals whimpered “This is terrifying!” as Deebly described the inferno-acid-rain-flood-tornado giving way to a radioactive drought.

After the first horror story ended, another one of the liberals spoke up with an even scarier story: “the climate change misinformation proliferation blob.” This story elicited shudders and shivers, with an ever-growing blob of blogs of scary statistics and misleading memes failing to be fact-checked or at least rated “lacking context.”

At publishing time, the liberals had gone to sleep but were all plagued with nightmares, with sounds from the neighboring campsite creeping into their dreams, causing them to rage-cry that the nearby Republicans continued to gloat, chomp on meat, and burn fossil wood instead of the more eco-friendly natural chemical-free firewood made of soy.

NYC Police To Release Criminals Onto The Streets Faster With Newly Installed Giant Slide

From The Babylon Bee:

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NEW YORK CITY — Prison reform advocates are celebrating the NYPD’s unprecedented move to put dangerous criminals back out on the street as quickly as possible with the unveiling of the new giant slide.

“This slide, while also offering tremendous fun, will allow us to process criminals through our system and shoot them back out onto the street in no time,” said New York City Police Commissioner Keechant Sewell in a statement to the media. “We have been searching for ways to keep the most dangerous people out in public as much as possible, and this will help us achieve that goal.”

Public response to the slide is still flowing in, but not all citizens of the Big Apple are sold on the idea. “I saw a police officer standing at the bottom of the slide handing out weapons,” said a bystander who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “One dude came down the slide and was given a hatchet and directions to the nearest McDonald’s. I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

It is not yet known what type of effect the new giant slide would have on rising crime rates in the city, though some speculate that having more violent criminals roaming the city streets may, in fact, result in increased crime. “I don’t see the connection,” Commissioner Sewell said defiantly. “Anyone who thinks having more criminals on the loose will lead to more crime is either ill-informed or racist.”

At publishing time, billionaire George Soros confirmed the slides were his idea and that he was funding the installation of additional slides in every major city in America.

DeSantis Accused Of Human Trafficking After Dropping Kids Off At Soccer Practice

From The Babylon Bee:

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TALLAHASSEE, FL — Just days after the galling political stunt in which 50 illegal immigrants were human trafficked to the loving, caring, nurturing, sanctuary city of Martha’s Vineyard, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was caught human trafficking again after dropping his kids off at soccer practice.

“I’ll pick you up in an hour, champ. Practice hard and be a good sport!” said brutal Dictator DeSantis after dropping his kid off at soccer practice, indicative of his inhumane, authoritarian policies used to rule Florida with an iron fist. “Hey, don’t forget your water bottle!”

Governor DeSantis’ previous human trafficking venture laid waste to the residents of Martha’s Vineyard after they had fallen into his trap by displaying yard signs reading “We Stand With Immigrants” and “All Are Welcome Here.”

“This brutal use of vulnerable populations as political pawns must end,” said Vice President Kamala Harris while keeping a straight face. “Human trafficking of any sort is evil and wrong when Republicans do it.”

At publishing time, President Joe Biden was caught human trafficking his son Hunter to rehab.

Subway Begins Promotional Offer Where They Will Use Real Meat For A Limited Time

From The Babylon Bee:

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MILFORD, CT — In an effort to rejuvenate the struggling franchise, Subway has announced a limited-time offer where participating restaurants will now serve actual food.

“Real, actual meat – somewhere on your sandwich – guaranteed!” exclaimed Subway CEO Dave Ledbetter. “And on top of that, we will serve the meat on something that reaches the legal definition of bread – while supplies last!”

The bold move comes after Subway patrons slowly became suspicious that everything in the restaurant was inedible for humans. “I started worrying when I dropped a slice of cheese and it bounced,” said local customer Javier Campo. “Then I realized that if you take away the filling, the bread acts exactly like Velcro. I knew something wasn’t right.”

After confirmation by scientific studies, Subway admitted that several of their offerings contain no actual food. “Honestly, I’m kind of surprised someone out there thought we put real tuna in the tuna salad. I mean, have you been to a Subway?” said Mr. Ledbetter. “Still, the sandwich competition has become intense. Plus, I glow in the dark every time I eat the tuna, and frankly it’s becoming annoying.”

Ledbetter promised that Subway customers could still expect that none of the vegetables would be thawed out before you ate them, and each restaurant would continue to feel vaguely unsafe.

Martha’s Vineyard Takes Revenge On DeSantis By Shipping Him 50 Karens



From The Babylon Bee:

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TALLAHASSEE, FL — Outraged at having been sent 50 illegal immigrants from Florida by Ron DeSantis, Martha’s Vineyard has taken ultimate revenge on the governor by shipping 50 Karens to Florida.

“Perhaps now DeSantis will think twice before he sullies our pristine white island with brown migrant people,” said Martha’s Vineyard HOA President Karen VonSchnitzel. “Once the charter flight filled with our neighborhood’s most insufferable Karens touches down in Tallahassee, he will rue the day he made us look like heartless racists in front of the entire country. HAHAHAHAHA!”

The group of 50 Karens was selected from over 478 Karens who volunteered for the flight, as most women who live on the island are named Karen. “Hopefully this political stunt will help DeSATAN see the error of his ways,” said HOA Vice President Karen Bohannan. “If not, we’ll send even more. There are plenty more Karens where that came from!”

Once the Karens land in Florida, they have been instructed to wreak havoc on the locals by walking into establishments and demanding to see the manager, calling the police on black joggers, and driving slowly in the left lane. Locals have mobilized to prepare for the onslaught by building walls of sandbags and boarding up windows.

At publishing time, DeSantis confirmed the Karens had been apprehended by the Florida National Guard and were on their way to Gitmo.

Migrants Decline Newsom’s Offer Of Asylum In CA Since They Just Came From A Collapsing Communist Hellhole With No Electricity

From The Babylon Bee:

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MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants. Progressives have labeled the action as “cruel” and “heartless,” but when California governor Gavin Newsom volunteered asylum for the migrants in his own state, they declined the offer since they had only recently escaped a collapsing communist state without electricity.

“I don’t like bullies, and Florida governor Ron DeSantis is bullying these migrants by not welcoming them! We in California believe a nation of immigrants draws its strength from more immigrants – come to the sunshine state and we will house you, clothe you, and feed you.” Newsom spoke out in a video message from his home after the events of the week, pledging that there was “no limit” to how high he would tax other people to pay for the migrants’ livelihoods but also clarifying that he would not be able to help personally.

While the migrants have heard the message, they have already voiced their intent to avoid California to reporters, speaking out about the harrowing circumstances they had escaped: skyrocketing inflation, a demolished economy, and obvious corruption at the highest levels of government. The migrants say that California’s trash-littered sidewalks, water shortages, and electrical outages bear too much resemblance to the Venezuela they left behind for it to be a desirable destination.

One of Governor Newsom’s PACs, Robbing California Citizens To Fund Our Voter Base, has posted a press release condemning the migrants for the comparison. “To compare California to Venezuela is disingenuous, and these narrow-minded migrants should be ashamed. They come from a nation where business is stifled by overregulation and state interference, a one-party system has ruled for decades with a compliant state media to tout its success while cities burn, and citizens struggling to pay for gas, food, and other necessities – this is nothing like California. For this disrespect, we call for their immediate deportation to the ‘greener pastures’ of Florida that they seek so much, with plans for them to be re-imported for votes during election seasons.”

At publishing time, Newsom had reiterated his offer in a video at his $5 million home, gesturing to the plentiful electricity around him, but migrants have said that this reminds them too much of the opulence enjoyed by Chavez and then Maduro while they wreaked havoc on the nation.

Obamas Construct New Cages At Martha’s Vineyard To Hold Arriving Migrants

From The Babylon Bee:

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MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha’s Vineyard estate.

“It’s a tried and true method that we’ve had success with in the past,” President Obama was overheard telling the construction crew. “We want to make these incoming migrants feel just as welcome as the hundreds of thousands of migrants crossing the southern border, which means they will be kept in cages built by me, obviously.”

Though the wealthy Martha’s Vineyard population seemed troubled to suddenly have to deal with the type of problems normally reserved for the common folk of the United States, the Obamas welcomed the opportunity to have more cheap labor around their palatial grounds. “It’s so hard to find good help these days,” Michelle Obama sighed during her morning inspection of the landscaping. “Having a regular influx of house servants may actually work in our favor.”

Some of the Obama staff privately expressed security concerns about the incoming migrants, but the former president put them at ease by reminding them that he can order a deadly drone strike at any moment.

At publishing time, other Martha’s Vineyard residents who heard about the construction of the cages were already raising questions about potential human rights violations and preemptively placing the blame for the cages squarely on the shoulders of Donald Trump.

Before the Internet

h/t The Burning Platform

FBI Concerned That If MAGA Doesn’t Conduct A Terrorist Attack Soon They’ll Have To Fake One

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON — After weeks of unsuccessfully stoking Trump supporters towards violent action, the FBI has changed course, beginning internal discussions for executing a MAGA-style attack using FBI resources.

“We are already at Defense Readiness Condition 3 – this means that if the extreme MAGA wing doesn’t act, we will bypass the plainclothes agent phase to DefCon 1, bringing out our biggest weapon: Ray Epps.” FBI Director Christopher Wray addressed a round table of defense ministers, eliciting scattered gasps when he invoked Ray Epps, the famous FBI asset with expertise in starting insurrections.

The attempts to get “MAGA Republicans” to commit terrorism have escalated in recent weeks. The gentle initial prodding of the Mar-A-Lago raid failed to evoke a riot, and the prodding was then escalated to a speech by Biden with obvious fascist overtones attacking Trump supporters, finally culminating in the raiding of over 50 Trump ally homes last week. “If that doesn’t do it, what will?” said Wray.

Critics have contended that there is no widespread evidence of the FBI’s history of supporting and propagating terrorism to justify crackdowns on the current administration’s political enemies. Ted Cruz, however, has asked pointed questions about FBI involvement in perpetrating the events of January 6, and Cruz asked Justice Department representatives whether the FBI was involved. The FBI has provided a comprehensive answer to Cruz, saying “Shut up.”

At publishing time, several dozen military-age males with crew cuts had shown up in attendance to an “election justice” rally of Trump supporters but were sadly outed as Feds and given swirlies and wedgies.