Robert Gore
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Obama: ‘I Have No Memory Of Anyone Named Joe Biden’, from The Babylon Bee
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—While lounging about in his seaside mansion Tuesday, former President Barack Obama was asked whether he supported Joe Biden in the 2020 election.
“Sorry, who?” Obama responded, sipping a strawberry daiquiri brought to him by his servants. “Hmmm… Biden, Biden… not ringing any bells.”
He was informed Joe Biden served as vice president under him for eight years, but he just stared blank-faced. “Nope, it’s not coming to me. Oh, wait — is he the guy that was in Home Alone and Goodfellas? Fine actor, very fine. Sure, I’d support him.”
Reporters let him know that was actually Joe Pesci, confusing Obama further.
“Yeah, no idea who this Biden guy is.”
Biden, for his part, said he has no idea who Barack Obama is, what the White House is, or what year it is.
https://babylonbee.com/news/barack-obama-i-have-no-memory-of-anyone-named-joe-biden
Struggling Biden Campaign Now Offering One Month Of Free AOL For Rally Attendance, from The Babylon Bee
U.S.—Joe Biden’s campaign is struggling to motivate younger voters, but he has a plan: offering free AOL trials to anyone who shows up to his rallies.
“Come on by, say hi to uncle Joe, and grab one of our free AOL CDs,” Biden says in an ad for his campaign tour. “You know, the great thing about AOL is that you get so many hours of internets. Only squares use Compuserve, Prodigy, or MSN. We’re keen on America Online!”
The campaign has warned that it’s first come, first served, so you’d better hurry if you want to experience the lightning-fast speeds of AOL’s 56K dial-up service.
“I love America Online,” Biden continued as he booted up his Windows 98 PC. “Every time I hear that grinding, beeping sound while trying to get on the internet, I just know that I’m about to experience the world wide web at a rate of one web page per hour.”
His wife then screamed at him to get off the computer as she was expecting a call. “Well, I’d better go,” Biden said, chuckling. “But remember, for the fastest interwebs in town, come see Uncle Joe. You won’t regret it — probably.”
Rally attendees will receive their choice of a CD or 3.5″ floppy disk good for a free trial of AOL dial-up service. Joe will then say hi and shake their hands “and maybe more if you’re lucky.”
Available now: pay $2,500 to be told you’re racist, by Simon Black
Simon Black’s weekly chronicle of the absurd. From Black at sovereignman.com:
Are you ready for this week’s absurdity? Here’s our Friday roll-up of the most ridiculous stories from around the world that are threats to your liberty, your finances, and your prosperity.
You can now pay $2500 to be told you’re racist
Are you a liberal white woman who wants to pay money to be told that, deep down, you’re subconsciously racist?
If so, you’re in luck!
A new group called “Race to Dinner” is giving you the opportunity to pay $2,500 to host a dinner (you also have to provide the food), where you and your white friends will be told how racist you are.
The group’s founders (one of whom is black, the other identifies as Native American) write on their website to ALL white women: “We are talking about your complicity in upholding white supremacy and keeping Black and brown women down.”
Further, the founders refuse to ‘help’ women who voted for Trump, as they are beyond repair, as well as white men. They say, “White men are never going to change anything. If they were, they would have done it by now.”
Their website also posts videos hosted by the group’s “resident white woman” where viewers can learn how to ‘deconstruct their whiteness’.
High School Runner Not Feeling Great About Her Chances Against The Girl With The Beard, from The Babylon Bee
HARTFORD, CT—Local high school track runner Vanessa Vogel was excited for her track meet this past weekend, having trained many months for her shot at a record and possibly a college scholarship.
But when Vogel lined up and saw a brave runner with a beard from a nearby high school, she started to doubt her ability to compete.
“You know, I have a bad feeling about this,” she muttered as she lined up for the 800-meter dash. “I’m just not sure I can take this girl.”
Sure enough, she was blown out despite setting her personal best.
“I just don’t know if that was entirely fair,” she commented afterward. “I’m all for equality and stuff, but I dunno — the beard might have given her an advantage.”
Vogel has been suspended pending an investigation into her bigotry.
Nation’s Wealthy, Privileged Gather To Lecture Nation On Evils Of Wealth, Privilege, from The Babylon Bee
HOLLYWOOD, CA—According to sources at the 91st annual Academy Awards ceremony this evening, the nation’s wealthy, privileged elite gathered to lecture the nation on the horrendous evils of wealth and privilege.
The wealthiest 0.00001% of the nation arrived at the exclusive, walled-off, high-security event in limos and luxury cars driven by servants in order to spend a few hours telling the nation’s poor and middle-class citizens how they need to throw off the yoke of oppression put on them by the wealthy elite.
“It’s the white, privileged, wealth hoarders that are ruining America,” said one white, privileged man whose net worth is estimated at $160 million. “All you people in the cheap seats at home: you need to do better.”
“America is just a terrible nation with no opportunity,” said one woman who made $100 million wearing costumes and reading words someone else wrote off a page. “We must stop the 1% from hoarding all the wealth.” Upon being informed she was well within the 1%, she clarified that it was actually the 0.000001% who are the problem.
Unfortunately, it looks like the event will proceed as planned next year as well.
https://babylonbee.com/news/nations-wealthy-privileged-lecture-nation-on-evils-of-wealth-privilege
Green New Deal Promises Energy-Efficient Gulags In Every Neighborhood, from The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The full Green New Deal was revealed by Democratic lawmakers Thursday morning. The sweeping legislative proposal includes ambitious projects like installing high-speed rail across the nation, replacing or upgrading every building in the country, and transitioning the entire country to renewables by tomorrow afternoon.
But perhaps best of all, the Green New Deal promises to build an energy-efficient Gulag in every neighborhood. Anyone who questions the wisdom of the Deal will be assigned to a Gulag for their new, greener job working for the government. The high-tech government buildings will be modeled after their Soviet predecessors but will have solar panels and wind power for a lower environmental impact as the government works you to death.
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez personally pushed for the inclusion of the Gulags, claiming they will provide millions of jobs with minimal environmental impact.
“Gulags have been very effective in other countries,” she said. “The United States has lagged behind socialist countries in a number of areas, including healthcare, wages, and forced labor camps. The Green New Deal will change all of that, and we hope the nation can get on board with the program.”
“Because if you don’t, it’s the Gulag for you,” she added.
