Category Archives: Humor

LeBron James Breaks NBA All-Time Flopping Record

From The Babylon Bee:

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U.S. — The NBA has confirmed that in addition to setting a new scoring record, LeBron James has broken the record for the largest number of flops in basketball history.

“This is the stuff of legends,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Mr. James has sailed past previous records set by Reggie Miller, Vlade Divac, and Dick Van Dyke, and has earned himself a place in flopping history as the greatest flopper in the history of the game.”

“Congratulations, King James!”

Sources say that while James has scored over 38,000 points in his NBA career, he has successfully flopped over 580,000 times. “Each dramatic flop has a look and a feel all its own,” said Silver. “James is original, daring, and dramatic. And the crowd loves it! There’s nothing the crowd loves more than the game being stopped every 4 seconds to shoot free throws. Just thrilling!”

At publishing time, the NBA had confirmed James also broke the all-time whining record.

Tonight’s State Of The Union To Be Sponsored By Pfizer

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, DC — In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight’s State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.

“We’ve really been a driving force behind most decisions made by the country’s leadership anyway,” said Pfizer spokesperson Phil Brooks. “The next logical step is to just start publicly sponsoring this type of official policy speech.”

Fresh off its sponsorship of the much-talked-about musical performance/Satanic worship service by Sam Smith at the Grammy Awards, the pharmaceutical giant is looking to expand its public presence into the political sphere. “Most members of Congress are on our payroll already,” Brooks continued. “Sam Smith’s performance at the Grammys, combined with a speech from President Biden, really captures the essence of what Pfizer is all about. They go hand-in-hand.”

Other potential sponsors were reportedly discussed behind closed doors by the Biden administration, including Balenciaga, the Chinese Communist Party, and Satan himself. “We thought about other options, but Pfizer seemed like a good start,” said a White House source under the condition of anonymity. “After all, we can’t really be too open and honest about who controls our messaging.”

At publishing time, additional ideas being bounced around included having the President do paid ad reads for Pfizer during the speech, adding a musical interlude by Sam Smith, or even inviting Pfizer mascot Clotty to be one of the President’s guests.

Man Narrowly Escapes Peace Of Mind With Well-Timed Twitter Visit

From The Babylon Bee:

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LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

“In a span of less than two minutes of scrolling, I saw a fistfight, clear evidence of a Satanic new world order, and had my faith ruthlessly mocked,” said Mr. Burt. “I’m just glad I got on Twitter in time, or I would have been able to drift off to sleep in peace!”

According to sources, Mr. Burt has now on several occasions escaped moments of potential hopefulness and tranquility by logging onto Twitter. “Just the other day, I almost had the mental bandwidth to begin reading Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton,” said Mr. Burt. “I could have had clarity, spiritual encouragement and common sense poured into my brain. Fortunately, my phone buzzed, and I quickly descended instead into a spiral of reading asinine, hateful comments that were ‘liked’ by hundreds of thousands of people. I spent the next hour enrolling my children in boarding school and figuring out what it takes to become Amish.”

Mr. Burt’s wife has also reported that Twitter serves as helpful little hits of rage, which she can put to good use at times. “If he’s struggling to open a jar or something, I just let him scroll Twitter for a couple of minutes until he’s filled with fury,” said Mrs. Burt. “It really works wonders. He used to be able to fall right asleep, but now he stares anxiously at the ceiling for hours. For people who need some more anxiety in their lives, it’s a wonder drug.”

At publishing time, Mr. Burt had given his kids access to TikTok, barely avoiding the normal development of his children’s brains.

After Winter Jog, Man Decides Obesity Not So Bad

From The Babylon Bee:

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ST. LOUIS, MO — After a brisk winter jog today, local man Donald Vance decided that perhaps obesity isn’t so bad after all.

“My diabetes meds taste pretty good, come to think of it,” said Mr. Vance, doubled over in agony. “Love handles are just more of me to love!”

Mr. Vance had set out for the morning jog with high hopes, having bought thermal workout shirts and leggings. “I felt great for about fifteen seconds. I was like Rocky Balboa, training in Russia,” said Mr. Vance. “Then my lungs started hurting, my eyes watered up, my hands went numb, my ears ached, my knees started buckling, and I started thinking about pancakes. Instead of putting myself through this utter misery, I could have been home eating pancakes! So that’s what I did.”

Though still concerned about his weight, Mr. Vance’s jog has radically altered his perspective on obesity. “I see now the question is, what amount of weight loss is worth losing your toes to frostbite and lighting your lungs on fire?” said Mr. Vance. “When you put suffering on that scale, carrying some extra pounds doesn’t seem so bad. Plus, ask yourself – have pizza rolls ever hurt you like that? Well, maybe if you don’t let them cool down first. But that’s just foolish.”

At publishing time, Mr. Vance had returned his thermal workout gear and instead used the money to purchase 173 bags of Cheetohs.

Pretend, Pretense, and Pretentious

h/t The Burning Platform

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Biden Announces U.S. Surrender To Chinese Balloon

From The Babylon Bee:

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WORLD — In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America’s unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.

“Listen, folks, it’s over,” said Biden as a single tear ran down his face. “We’re outgunned here. There’s no hope that we can match the awesome power of this giant balloon.”

Biden’s voice was drowned out by the dozens of weeping journalists gathered outside the room.

“I urge you all to hug your loved ones and embrace your children, for the end is near. God help us all,” Biden finally said before signing off for the last time.

At publishing time, Americans had been urged by the administration to start learning Mandarin.

Trump Attacks DeSantis For Failing To Fire Dr. Fauci, Rushing Untested Vaccine

From The Babylon Bee:

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MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.

“Can you believe Ron DeSantis picked that joker Anthony Fauci to lead the pandemic response? What an idiot!” said President Trump. “And remember how they had to hospitalize DeSantis at Walter Reed when he had COVID because his oxygen got too low? Such a weakling!”

In addition to blaming DeSantis for the failings of Dr. Fauci, Trump also took the governor to task for rushing a vaccine through development with the federal government’s Operation Warp Speed. “Now they’re finding out this vaccine has all these terrible side effects, and it’s all because of Ron DeSantis,” said Mr. Trump. “Might as well call the disease ‘myocarDeSantis’! Ha! What a total failure. Sad!”

Thus far, the DeSantis camp has yet to issue any direct response to Trump’s attacks. “Yeah, we’re just as confused as y’all are,” said DeSantis’ communications director Christina Pushaw. “We always liked Trump, so it’s honestly kind of sad to see his mind start to go. I know dementia isn’t supposed to be contagious, but D.C. sure makes it seem that way.”

Governor DeSantis himself could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy winning.

Everyone Ordered To Pay Everyone Reparations As Every Race Owned Every Race At Some Point

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world due to the fact that at some point in history, every people group owned slaves from another people group.

“This is really the only way to truly guarantee actual equality,” said Richard Fliehr, Chairman of Reparations for Humanity, a global non-profit group looking to bring in billions of dollars in revenue from its push for reparations. “We started with a few ethnic groups, but according to our research, pretty much every group, nation, and civilization has owned slaves of every other ethnic group at some point.”

Though having every person pay every other person is (by definition) equal, some groups were outraged. “How is making everything the same for everyone fair?!” asked Reverend Al Sharpton to reporters gathered outside his luxurious apartment building in New York City’s Upper East Side. “Acknowledging the fact that every group of people has oppressed another group of people at some time during human history is a slap in the face to those of us who want special treatment. This is unacceptable!”

At publishing time, various minority organizations in the United States sought to appeal the decision after learning that people of white European descent were not the only people who would be required to pay reparations and were not, in fact, collectively responsible for all oppression and human suffering from the beginning of time.

Miracle: Biden Ends Same COVID Pandemic For The Third Time

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.

“No other President has ended the COVID-19 pandemic even once, let alone three times,” said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre at a press conference that still bars entry to anyone who has not recently tested negative, and also mandates the unvaccinated to wear masks and social distance.

“However, we must make this clear,” stated Jean-Pierre. “The ongoing pandemic, which President Biden has ended multiple times, is not over.”

Critics have voiced concerns about President Biden taking credit for ending the ongoing pandemic, and wonder if President Trump should also receive credit for Operation Warp Speed, which helped rush Pfizer’s perfect, 100% effective COVID-19 vaccine into our veins, then hearts.

At publishing time, Biden’s team had confirmed there will be a fourth, pandemic-ending miracle in our future, right before the 2024 election.

Please Welcome President Joe (Walter) Biden, by Jeff Dunham