From The Babylon Bee:
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Recalling how the government forcibly kept him from attending his own mother’s funeral in the name of public health, local man Ryan Abbott was thrilled to see that no one will be kept from attending gay fetish festivals because of a new public health emergency.
“Boy, do I feel better about not being able to see my mom on her deathbed,” said Mr. Abbott. “Sure, my mother had to endure the horrific trauma of dying alone and in pain. But, walking by now and seeing “The Sausage Factory” still able to hold its annual festival despite a new pandemic spread primarily by gay sex – well gosh, it just helps me trust that the government was doing the right thing.”
After arriving home from his walk, Mr. Abbott then received a message that his child’s elementary school would again be requiring masks for in-person learning. “Oh gee, poor little Timmy! He’s already a year behind because of the school closures,” said Mr. Abbott. “Well, hey, the government can do whatever it wants to with kids. So long as I know they will never impede the right of gay strippers – no matter what – I can rest easy.”
At publishing time, for unclear reasons, the teachers’ union had demanded schools be shut down until all kids had received the monkeypox vaccine.