From The Babylon Bee:
SANTA FE, NM — As part of an agreement with prosecutors to have the charges against him dropped, actor Alec Baldwin is now reportedly only allowed to hold out his finger as a gun in movies from now on.
“This is the only way to ensure the safety of the cast and crew,” said Heather Brewer, spokesperson for the Santa Fe District Attorney’s Office. “From this point forward, if Mr. Baldwin is portraying a character who is holding a firearm, he must hold out his index finger with his thumb pointed upward in the classic ‘gun’ pose and shout ‘BANG!’ in lieu of firing blanks. He’s an actor, after all, so he should be pretty good at pretending.”
Baldwin had been charged in the unintentional shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, and though prosecutors did make it known that charges may be re-filed in the future after further investigation, Baldwin was free to return to work on the set of the western film Rust. “We have advised producers of the film to be very careful about what props they allow Mr. Baldwin to hold,” Brewer continued. “Should he accidentally strangle a fellow actor with a lasso or mistakenly stab a crew member in the throat with a pen, it will certainly raise some suspicion.”
At publishing time, investigators were continuing to look into the shooting, though sources inside the D.A.’s office indicated the belief that Baldwin will not have to face any further criminal charges, as prosecutors believe being Alec Baldwin is punishment enough.
The Bee would rather step on its own dick and set itself on fire for a tawdry laugh than admit that prosecuting the one guy on that set not legally responsible for the tragedy was a jackassical witch hunt of the worst order.
One of the actual guilty prop idiots has already pled guilty to felony criminal negligence, making any prosecution of Baldwin a hash-pipe dream, which is why the Santa Fe D.A.’s under-flunkie was loathe to sacrifice her own shaky legal reputation and career on pushing this farce any further.
When the jury hears that armorer Reed was so incompetent she had left live rounds scattered around to five other locations on the set – each and every one of which was a complete violation of decades-long black-letter safety rules – besides the one she loaded in Baldwin’s prop gun, they’ll throw the book at her, presuming she hasn’t the sense to plead guilty now, and take the best deal she can get.
But why should the Bee let facts like that interfere with a good upside-down screed?
The only thing stupider and less funny than this piece will be blaming the kids in Uvalde and Nashville for getting themselves shot. At this rate, that should be the Bee‘s next lead.
Did someone say high speed rail?
Guns are a construct of the white male patriarchy with no place in the rainbow bugs and pods egalitarian workers utopia.
Enjoy your cricket stew and don’t forget booster number 4375 for the good of the collective.
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