U.S.—The NBA has found itself at odds with its lucrative Chinese market, and the league is doing its best to appease the Chinese government. In a move intended to patch things up with China, the NBA announced that President Xi Jinping has made the All-Star team this year.
The president will tower under the competition at an intimidating 5’11”. Especially threatening to the opposing team will be the president’s ability to imprison or execute any player who dunks on him. He is also expected to execute players on his own team who speak out against him or suggest he’s unfit for the basketball team.
Oppressed Chinese citizens will be forced to form a human pyramid that the president can climb up in order to dunk on the baskets. He is expected to play all the positions and be named the MVP.
NBA executives aren’t sure if this is going to appease China entirely, but they’re hoping it’s a good start. Should this fail, they say they’ll resort to their backup plan of groveling and singing China’s praises forevermore.