Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.

“The President has been clear about this, and is clear, still, to this day, and will continue to be clear in the future, clearly,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Pierre clearly to reporters. “All the money we used to bail out billionaires will be taxed. Americans can rest assured that some of their taxpayer funds will go right back to the government where they belong unless the billionaires find some sort of loophole that prevents them from paying taxes. That’s crazy though. That would clearly never happen.”

Sources say any funds for Silicon Valley bailouts not covered by taxes will be covered by money printing and borrowing from China and that none of this really matters anyway because money is fake and “just eat bugs already, for goodness sake.

“At publishing time, the Silicon Valley billionaires thanked American taxpayers for saving them by stealing some more of their data to sell to advertisers.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-admin-promises-to-tax-silicon-valley-billionaires-on-all-the-money-the-federal-government-just-gave-them

From The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.

“Folks don’t worry. Due to the decisive actions of this administration, everyone’s money is safe in Ukraine,” said Biden. “I withdrew all the money and shipped it over there last night myself! My son Hunter personally supervised the transfer! That’s leadership! I’m sure the Ukrainians will put your money to good use by buying bazookas and paying the pensions of government officials. I will take no questions at this time.”

Biden then did an about-face and spent 15 minutes trying to walk out of the room as he couldn’t find the door.

Americans are being assured to wait until the war in Ukraine is over and they pay us back before making any large withdrawals.

At publishing time, 12 more banks had collapsed during Biden’s speech.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-assures-americans-their-life-savings-is-safe-in-ukraine

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN JOSE, CA — Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.

“Really dodged a bullet there,” said Mr. Sandlin. “Cryptocurrency was getting too risky. You never know when one of these currencies will just suddenly go under.”

After years of building diversity in his portfolio, Mr. Sandlin decided that it was time to start playing it safe. “With two kids about to go to college and a career change coming up, I just couldn’t afford to take big financial risks,” explained Mr. Sandlin. “So, I finally cashed out most of my stocks, crypto, real estate – and just put it all in the bank. It’s not exciting, but I can sleep easy knowing our money is secure.”

At publishing time, Mr. Sandlin had decided to check out what had been happening in the news after being unplugged for a week.

https://babylonbee.com/news/investor-relieved-he-pulled-all-his-money-out-of-crypto-to-keep-it-safe-in-bank

From The Babylon Bee:

SPRINGFIELD, IL — A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.

Katie Anderson, a 2nd-grade teacher at Barack Obama MLK Rosa Parks Cesar Chavez Elementary School, has been desperate for time off. “I just really didn’t think I could make it until summer,” Anderson said. “It’s just been a really long school year. They’re usually really reluctant to grant any vacation time at this point in the year, but I’ve got a foolproof plan!”

“Hey, kids! Guess how many genders there are!”

The leadership at the school has taken great pride in its progressive stance on gender issues, pledging to teach students of all ages about all 1,387,590,634 currently recognized genders. They have made it clear to all faculty members that any deviation from this pledge will be met with swift disciplinary action.

“Adhering to basic biology, thousands of years of accumulated knowledge, and common sense itself will not be tolerated,” said the school’s principal, Tanya Hughes. “We’re focused on the inclusion of all ideas and acceptance of all viewpoints, so expressing opinions other than the approved one is completely unacceptable.”

At publishing time, Anderson had been pulled from the classroom and given 9 days of paid leave pending an investigation.

https://babylonbee.com/news/teacher-in-need-of-vacation-tells-class-there-are-only-two-genders

From The Babylon Bee:

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles. Unfortunately, the interview ended soon after he described himself as a “motivated go-getter.”

“I would be a perfect fit in any of the Maricopa County field offices; I’m self-driven, always growing, and a motivated go-getter!” Sources indicate that DMV hiring manager S. Lowe considered the interview to be “over” upon hearing this admission, pivoting the conversation to the large pool of qualified applicants and the stringent requirements for DMV employees.

“I’m sorry, but you’re not really the type we’re looking for here at the DMV.”

Reports confirm that Mr. Consola felt “crushed” by the rejection and abrupt end of the interview, having sensed the room’s atmosphere shift when he described himself as “driven” and then feeling a harder pivot when he launched into a testimonial of how he had earned a reputation for “going the extra mile” in a prior customer service job.

“I don’t know what went wrong. I started sharing about my outside-the-box idea for replacing the take-a-number system with something more boutique and relational…maybe the hiring manager was worried I wasn’t being innovative enough?” Consola told friends he may consider spicing up his resume with more aggressive language like “collaborative,” “dynamic,” and “self-starter.”

At publishing time, Consola was seen dropping off his resume at the Post Office, confident that the addition of “high-energy” and “risk-taker” to his resume would secure him a job.

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-fails-dmv-job-interview-by-saying-he-is-a-motivated-go-getter

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn’t been approved by Democrat leaders.

“This is a very dangerous situation,” said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer. “We work hard every day to make sure Americans all have all the correct opinions. With thousands of hours of footage being given to the American public with no filter, we’re in grave danger of some people not agreeing with us, or worse — not giving us politicians more and more unchecked power. This is an existential threat to democracy.”

Mitch McConnell, another Democrat Senator, agreed. “I’m terrified right now,” he said. “What if everyone starts thinking we’re lying frauds? I’m not saying we are, but it would be terrible if people came to such a scary — and unapproved — conclusion.”

Experts also weighed in, warning that if unapproved opinions are allowed to spread, it may lead to unapproved leaders being elected for unapproved reasons. “As experts, we wouldn’t approve of this,” said one expert.

At publishing time, Democrats released findings from the intelligence community stating the Jan 6 tapes were unapproved Russian disinformation.

https://babylonbee.com/news/Media-warns-that-anyone-watching-unedited-jan-6-footage-could-arrive-at-unapproved-conclusion

From The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a “mostly peaceful” protest, but the intelligence community has gone on the record to claim all security footage from the event is nothing but Russian disinformation.

“It is the consensus of the intelligence community that security footage from the Capitol building is part of an elaborate Russian disinformation scheme,” said White House Press Secretary Jean-Pierre. “Even Coast Guard Intelligence thinks it’s hogwash.”

“Let that sink in.”

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy was quick to point out that the House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol™ had access to the same footage. “Does that mean they were also duped by Russian disinformation?”

“Only the footage showing peaceful protestors is Russian,” answered Jean-Pierre. “Duh!”

Doocy tried to ask a follow-up question but was promptly shut down.

“I shouldn’t have to explain this,” Jean-Pierre argued. “The last time the intelligence community agreed on anything was when they said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So obviously, we take their claims very seriously.”

At publishing time, the FBI was investigating how Russians gained access to the U.S. Capitol Building to install security cameras in the first place.

https://babylonbee.com/news/intelligence-community-claims-january-6th-tapes-are-russian-misinformation

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.

“What you are about to see is shocking,” Carlson warned viewers before airing the video. “Parties from both inside and outside the government have tried desperately to keep this footage from ever being seen. Now we know why.”

In the new video, it can be clearly seen that former First Lady, New York Senator, Secretary of State, and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton — wearing a furry buffalo-horned hat — stirred the assembled protestors up into an angry mob before prompting them to enter the Capitol. “Get in there, you deplorables!” Clinton can be seen shouting to people as she ushered them toward a Capitol entrance, where guards were politely holding the doors open for them and waving them in.

In additional footage, a frustrated Clinton can be heard urging other protestors to poop on then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s desk. When reached for comment on the video, Clinton denied any involvement. “This is simply more evidence of a vast right-wing Russian conspiracy,” Clinton said in a statement. “I was not present at the horrific attempt to violently overthrow our government on January 6th, 2021, despite the fact that I do own a buffalo hat.”

At publishing time, Hillary Clinton was looking to make peace by offering Tucker Carlson an all-expenses-paid vacation to Matamoros, Mexico, including security provided by her personal bodyguards.

https://babylonbee.com/news/tucker-carlson-reveals-startling-footage-of-who-was-behind-jan-6

From The Babylon Bee:

KYIV — Attorney General Merrick Garland’s surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.

“Believe me, Mr. Garland, your corruption is legendary,” said President Zelensky during their short meeting. “But Ukraine is already corrupt to the core. We’re pros at corruption, so we have this pretty well covered. We will not be needing your services, thank you very much.”

Sources say the Attorney General stammered in response, citing his lengthy rap sheet which included sending the FBI after parents who protest at school board meetings, sending militarized police units to pro-life protestors’ homes, and investigating “radical Catholics.”

“Yes, yes, we’re aware. Very impressive. Very devious. But not needed here. You’re welcome to go back home where you belong,” said Zelensky. “Thanks for stopping by though, bud! You didn’t have to!”

Reports say an outraged and humiliated Garland is now investigating any Zelensky associates in the U.S. to see if he can find an excuse to send a SWAT team to their door.

https://babylonbee.com/news/ukraine-asks-merrick-garland-to-leave-as-they-already-have-enough-corrupt-government-officials

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.

“It’s simpler this way. Now Mr. Zelensky can let himself in whenever he wants, and help himself to whatever he needs!” said Yellen. “As a government official, I want to help the government be as efficient as possible. This removes all those unnecessary steps that come between Ukraine wanting money and then getting it! I’m a genius!”

“Zelensky, dear, you just take whatever you need, sweetie!”

Sources say Zelensky has already let himself in the massive, highly secure vault 3 times today, helping himself to wheelbarrows full of coins, gold bullion, and Ashley Biden’s diary. “We thank the American government for the lovely gift of their citizens’ money,” he said. “We promise to put this to good use by killing many Russians and buying lots of cocaine. God bless America!”

At publishing time, Zelensky had already made a return trip after blowing all the cash from his first three trips.

https://babylonbee.com/news/to-save-time-treasury-secretary-yellen-gives-zelensky-key-to-us-treasury