Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn’t been approved by Democrat leaders.

“This is a very dangerous situation,” said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer. “We work hard every day to make sure Americans all have all the correct opinions. With thousands of hours of footage being given to the American public with no filter, we’re in grave danger of some people not agreeing with us, or worse — not giving us politicians more and more unchecked power. This is an existential threat to democracy.”

Mitch McConnell, another Democrat Senator, agreed. “I’m terrified right now,” he said. “What if everyone starts thinking we’re lying frauds? I’m not saying we are, but it would be terrible if people came to such a scary — and unapproved — conclusion.”

Experts also weighed in, warning that if unapproved opinions are allowed to spread, it may lead to unapproved leaders being elected for unapproved reasons. “As experts, we wouldn’t approve of this,” said one expert.

At publishing time, Democrats released findings from the intelligence community stating the Jan 6 tapes were unapproved Russian disinformation.

https://babylonbee.com/news/Media-warns-that-anyone-watching-unedited-jan-6-footage-could-arrive-at-unapproved-conclusion

From The Babylon Bee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a “mostly peaceful” protest, but the intelligence community has gone on the record to claim all security footage from the event is nothing but Russian disinformation.

“It is the consensus of the intelligence community that security footage from the Capitol building is part of an elaborate Russian disinformation scheme,” said White House Press Secretary Jean-Pierre. “Even Coast Guard Intelligence thinks it’s hogwash.”

“Let that sink in.”

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy was quick to point out that the House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol™ had access to the same footage. “Does that mean they were also duped by Russian disinformation?”

“Only the footage showing peaceful protestors is Russian,” answered Jean-Pierre. “Duh!”

Doocy tried to ask a follow-up question but was promptly shut down.

“I shouldn’t have to explain this,” Jean-Pierre argued. “The last time the intelligence community agreed on anything was when they said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So obviously, we take their claims very seriously.”

At publishing time, the FBI was investigating how Russians gained access to the U.S. Capitol Building to install security cameras in the first place.

https://babylonbee.com/news/intelligence-community-claims-january-6th-tapes-are-russian-misinformation

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.

“What you are about to see is shocking,” Carlson warned viewers before airing the video. “Parties from both inside and outside the government have tried desperately to keep this footage from ever being seen. Now we know why.”

In the new video, it can be clearly seen that former First Lady, New York Senator, Secretary of State, and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton — wearing a furry buffalo-horned hat — stirred the assembled protestors up into an angry mob before prompting them to enter the Capitol. “Get in there, you deplorables!” Clinton can be seen shouting to people as she ushered them toward a Capitol entrance, where guards were politely holding the doors open for them and waving them in.

In additional footage, a frustrated Clinton can be heard urging other protestors to poop on then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s desk. When reached for comment on the video, Clinton denied any involvement. “This is simply more evidence of a vast right-wing Russian conspiracy,” Clinton said in a statement. “I was not present at the horrific attempt to violently overthrow our government on January 6th, 2021, despite the fact that I do own a buffalo hat.”

At publishing time, Hillary Clinton was looking to make peace by offering Tucker Carlson an all-expenses-paid vacation to Matamoros, Mexico, including security provided by her personal bodyguards.

https://babylonbee.com/news/tucker-carlson-reveals-startling-footage-of-who-was-behind-jan-6

From The Babylon Bee:

KYIV — Attorney General Merrick Garland’s surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.

“Believe me, Mr. Garland, your corruption is legendary,” said President Zelensky during their short meeting. “But Ukraine is already corrupt to the core. We’re pros at corruption, so we have this pretty well covered. We will not be needing your services, thank you very much.”

Sources say the Attorney General stammered in response, citing his lengthy rap sheet which included sending the FBI after parents who protest at school board meetings, sending militarized police units to pro-life protestors’ homes, and investigating “radical Catholics.”

“Yes, yes, we’re aware. Very impressive. Very devious. But not needed here. You’re welcome to go back home where you belong,” said Zelensky. “Thanks for stopping by though, bud! You didn’t have to!”

Reports say an outraged and humiliated Garland is now investigating any Zelensky associates in the U.S. to see if he can find an excuse to send a SWAT team to their door.

https://babylonbee.com/news/ukraine-asks-merrick-garland-to-leave-as-they-already-have-enough-corrupt-government-officials

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.

“It’s simpler this way. Now Mr. Zelensky can let himself in whenever he wants, and help himself to whatever he needs!” said Yellen. “As a government official, I want to help the government be as efficient as possible. This removes all those unnecessary steps that come between Ukraine wanting money and then getting it! I’m a genius!”

“Zelensky, dear, you just take whatever you need, sweetie!”

Sources say Zelensky has already let himself in the massive, highly secure vault 3 times today, helping himself to wheelbarrows full of coins, gold bullion, and Ashley Biden’s diary. “We thank the American government for the lovely gift of their citizens’ money,” he said. “We promise to put this to good use by killing many Russians and buying lots of cocaine. God bless America!”

At publishing time, Zelensky had already made a return trip after blowing all the cash from his first three trips.

https://babylonbee.com/news/to-save-time-treasury-secretary-yellen-gives-zelensky-key-to-us-treasury

From The Babylon Bee:

CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city.

“Murderphobia is still an unfortunate reality here in Chicago, and it is the reason I was not reelected as this city’s mayor,” said Lightfoot to reporters. “People were so busy being afraid of being shot in the face by gang members that they forgot about what an amazing mayor I was. Let me be clear: murderphobia is racist. Murderphobia is bigoted. Murderphobia is NOT ok. Full stop.”

Lightfoot has pledged to spend the next few years fighting against murderphobia in all its forms, as well as taxes-phobia, regulations-phobia, and stabbed-in-the-neck-by-a-homeless-guy-phobia.

“My unfair and tragic election loss because of bigotry is a sad day for Chicago,” Lightfoot continued as she dodged several stray bullets that whizzed over her head. “And all because of fear. So sad.”

At publishing time, Chicago’s new mayor had vowed to fight against Chicago’s policephobia.

https://babylonbee.com/news/lightfoot-loss-blamed-on-rampant-murder-phobia

From The Babylon Bee:

ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call “massive amounts of Global Warming.” Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.

“Our world has officially ended,” said California resident Luis Garcia. “We’ve been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it.” Though the final numbers were not yet reported, it is feared that perhaps dozens of people have been inconvenienced by this new outbreak of Global Warming.

Witnesses initially reported horrifically cold temperatures — with some areas dipping below 50 degrees, the temperature required to sustain the lives of Californians — though the temperature was later revealed to be the least of their worries. Fluffy, white hell soon began to descend onto areas of Southern California, covering pockets of the region with a dense blanket of even more Global Warming.

“The temperature of the earth has clearly risen far too high,” said Professor Richard Davenport of the Save California Climate Institute. “We have tried to warn people about the danger of Global Warming for decades, and now it has resulted in slightly cooler temperatures than we’re used to. Run for your lives, my fellow humans! It’s going to be 47 degrees outside today! Fahrenheit!”

At publishing time, the entertainment industry was reportedly planning a star-studded telethon to raise awareness and money to save Californians from the horror of having to wear jackets during the day.

https://babylonbee.com/news/southern-california-covered-in-6-feet-of-global-warming

From The Babylon Bee:

BISMARCK, ND — According to sources, local man and news connoisseur Dave Rorsh has begun keeping track of the daily news by just looking up 2-year-old posts on obscure conspiracy theory blogs.

“When I did some research, I realized all the conspiracy theorists were exactly two years ahead of the media in reporting the facts,” said Rorch while pulling up IlluminatiWatch.com and searching old posts for current updates on politics, culture, and international affairs. “This is so much easier than looking at CNN and Fox News!”

Trusted experts confirmed that the last several years have proven conspiracy theorists to be 100% accurate on every claim they’ve made in that time. The experts then also confirmed that everyone should ignore that confirmation and proceed as if nothing happened. “We urge you to continue to get your news from trusted sources and avoid conspiracy theories, even though the trusted sources are always wrong,” said media researcher Dr. Franz Bugmann. “Trusting trusted sources is what makes you a good person, and that’s all that really matters here.”

Mr. Rorsh says he plans to continue receiving all his news from old conspiracy blogs for the foreseeable future.

At publishing time, IlluminatiWatch.com had added a new post confirming Democrats will admit in two years’ time that Biden stole the election.

https://babylonbee.com/news/to-catch-up-on-todays-news-man-just-reads-conspiracy-theorists-2-year-old-blog-posts

From The Babylon Bee:

FLATWOODS, KY — The Joneses, a local family of five that can no longer afford to buy groceries, is taking comfort in the inspiring knowledge that the Biden Administration is more diverse than any administration in history.

“Listen, Timmy, I know you’re hungry but remember — the Transportation Secretary is gay! Isn’t that great?” said Mark Jones to his son. “It sure makes you feel warm inside, doesn’t it? Almost feels like a full belly!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll buy another bag of potatoes next week.”

The family reported they have been struggling to pay the bills with rising gas and energy prices, skyrocketing food prices, and record inflation. To help them cope with their suffering, they take time each day to remind themselves that the Defense Secretary is black, the State Department Spokesperson is gay, and the Press Secretary is both black and gay. “Whenever we’re tempted to feel sad, we should think about the diversity of the President’s cabinet,” said Nancy Jones to her daughter. “Nothing is more important than diversity! Yay!”

Sources in Washington say diversity is the number one concern of the average American, and that Biden plans to bring even more diversity to leadership. “We’re not going to stop until literally every federal bureaucrat is a queer minority, folks,” said Biden. “It’s what the American people want!”

At publishing time, the Joneses had been unable to buy a home due to skyrocketing interest rates, but they took comfort in knowing that the Treasury Secretary is a woman.

https://babylonbee.com/news/family-that-cant-afford-groceries-comforted-by-the-fact-that-we-have-the-most-diverse-administration-in-history