Will Woody Harrelson ever land another acting gig? From Steve Watson at summit.news:
“I don’t feel that we should have forced testing, forced masking and forced vaccination”
Following a 30 second bit on SNL where he branded big pharma as a ‘cartel’ forcing it’s drugs on people with government consent, actor Woody Harrelson has further spoken out against COVID mandates.
In an interview with the New York Times, Harrelson warned that America is no longer a free country, branding COVID protocols as “rather absurd.”
When asked what was “absurd about the COVID protocols,” Harrelson replied, “The fact that they’re still going on!”
“I don’t think that anybody should have the right to demand that you’re forced to do the testing, forced to wear the mask and forced to get vaccinated three years on,” the Zombieland star asserted.
CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city.
“Murderphobia is still an unfortunate reality here in Chicago, and it is the reason I was not reelected as this city’s mayor,” said Lightfoot to reporters. “People were so busy being afraid of being shot in the face by gang members that they forgot about what an amazing mayor I was. Let me be clear: murderphobia is racist. Murderphobia is bigoted. Murderphobia is NOT ok. Full stop.”
Lightfoot has pledged to spend the next few years fighting against murderphobia in all its forms, as well as taxes-phobia, regulations-phobia, and stabbed-in-the-neck-by-a-homeless-guy-phobia.
“My unfair and tragic election loss because of bigotry is a sad day for Chicago,” Lightfoot continued as she dodged several stray bullets that whizzed over her head. “And all because of fear. So sad.”
At publishing time, Chicago’s new mayor had vowed to fight against Chicago’s policephobia.
ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call “massive amounts of Global Warming.” Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.
“Our world has officially ended,” said California resident Luis Garcia. “We’ve been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it.” Though the final numbers were not yet reported, it is feared that perhaps dozens of people have been inconvenienced by this new outbreak of Global Warming.
Witnesses initially reported horrifically cold temperatures — with some areas dipping below 50 degrees, the temperature required to sustain the lives of Californians — though the temperature was later revealed to be the least of their worries. Fluffy, white hell soon began to descend onto areas of Southern California, covering pockets of the region with a dense blanket of even more Global Warming.
“The temperature of the earth has clearly risen far too high,” said Professor Richard Davenport of the Save California Climate Institute. “We have tried to warn people about the danger of Global Warming for decades, and now it has resulted in slightly cooler temperatures than we’re used to. Run for your lives, my fellow humans! It’s going to be 47 degrees outside today! Fahrenheit!”
At publishing time, the entertainment industry was reportedly planning a star-studded telethon to raise awareness and money to save Californians from the horror of having to wear jackets during the day.
BISMARCK, ND — According to sources, local man and news connoisseur Dave Rorsh has begun keeping track of the daily news by just looking up 2-year-old posts on obscure conspiracy theory blogs.
“When I did some research, I realized all the conspiracy theorists were exactly two years ahead of the media in reporting the facts,” said Rorch while pulling up IlluminatiWatch.com and searching old posts for current updates on politics, culture, and international affairs. “This is so much easier than looking at CNN and Fox News!”
Trusted experts confirmed that the last several years have proven conspiracy theorists to be 100% accurate on every claim they’ve made in that time. The experts then also confirmed that everyone should ignore that confirmation and proceed as if nothing happened. “We urge you to continue to get your news from trusted sources and avoid conspiracy theories, even though the trusted sources are always wrong,” said media researcher Dr. Franz Bugmann. “Trusting trusted sources is what makes you a good person, and that’s all that really matters here.”
Mr. Rorsh says he plans to continue receiving all his news from old conspiracy blogs for the foreseeable future.
At publishing time, IlluminatiWatch.com had added a new post confirming Democrats will admit in two years’ time that Biden stole the election.
FLATWOODS, KY — The Joneses, a local family of five that can no longer afford to buy groceries, is taking comfort in the inspiring knowledge that the Biden Administration is more diverse than any administration in history.
“Listen, Timmy, I know you’re hungry but remember — the Transportation Secretary is gay! Isn’t that great?” said Mark Jones to his son. “It sure makes you feel warm inside, doesn’t it? Almost feels like a full belly!”
“Don’t worry, we’ll buy another bag of potatoes next week.”
The family reported they have been struggling to pay the bills with rising gas and energy prices, skyrocketing food prices, and record inflation. To help them cope with their suffering, they take time each day to remind themselves that the Defense Secretary is black, the State Department Spokesperson is gay, and the Press Secretary is both black and gay. “Whenever we’re tempted to feel sad, we should think about the diversity of the President’s cabinet,” said Nancy Jones to her daughter. “Nothing is more important than diversity! Yay!”
Sources in Washington say diversity is the number one concern of the average American, and that Biden plans to bring even more diversity to leadership. “We’re not going to stop until literally every federal bureaucrat is a queer minority, folks,” said Biden. “It’s what the American people want!”
At publishing time, the Joneses had been unable to buy a home due to skyrocketing interest rates, but they took comfort in knowing that the Treasury Secretary is a woman.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.
“I’m telling you, the turtle could talk,” said local woman Alisha Hill, who claimed to have seen a turtle emerge from the sewer. “He asked me which way to the pizza parlor, then ran away doing random front-flips. I know what I saw!”
“I’m pretty sure he even shouted, ‘Cowabunga!'”
Though the mysterious turtle sightings were initially dismissed as a hoax, dozens of eyewitnesses have come forward with similar stories. “Our pizza joint was packed when one of these turtles came riding in on a skateboard and ordered four large pepperoni pies,” said Jon Remy, owner of Paisano’s Pizza. “Frankly, he was pretty juvenile. The last thing our town needs right now is a wave of monster turtles acting like little punks.”
While many locals have described the turtles as a “frightening menace”, local reporter April O’Neil has adamantly defended them. “They’re young, ok? And they’re only trying to help the city,” explained Ms. O’Neil. “I have exclusive footage from last week showing these turtles helping ward off a group of dangerous lizard people trying to invade from D.C. They’re heroes in a half-shell, so to speak.”
At publishing time, reports had also surfaced that local rats were also taking a liking to martial arts, particularly “ninjutsu”.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a recent surge of train derailments across the United States, emergency crews were being called to the scene of an even larger, more catastrophic train wreck reported at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C.
“This disaster is exponentially worse than any of the other railway incidents that have occurred in the last few weeks,” said Josh Christophersen, lead investigator on the scene for the National Transportation Safety Board. “The scale, the destruction, the long-lasting damage this one will leave behind…this one really takes the cake. I’m really not even sure how we can clean up after this.”
Train derailments have become a pressing issue, particularly after the serious incident in East Palestine Ohio, in which a train derailed and released massive quantities of highly toxic chemicals, contaminating the air, water, and soil in the region. This larger disaster in Washington, D.C., however, could be far more dangerous, experts say. “We can’t even accurately estimate the risks posed by this catastrophe,” said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Center for Ecological Research & Education. “It’s possible that this wreck could, in fact, destroy the entire world. It has already done horrific damage around the globe in a variety of ways.”
At publishing time, the Biden administration was set to receive a briefing on the disaster, with President Biden himself reportedly vowing to determine the cause of the train wreck, identify the person most responsible, and do whatever is deemed necessary to hold that person accountable.
TOKYO — The Prime Minister of Japan admitted today that sushi was a giant prank by the people of Japan to see if they could get people to actually eat raw fish.
“We got you good!” laughed Prime Minister Fumio Kishida. “It’s been so hard keeping a straight face watching you dopes eat raw fish. This is the best prank in the history of pranks!”
The joke reportedly started in 1974, hatched by the Japanese Prime Minister’s chef during a visit by President Gerald Ford. “Just for giggles, the chef put a piece of raw fish on Mr. Ford’s plate and said it was Japanese tradition to eat it that way,” said historian Emiko Nakaya. “To everyone’s shock, Mr. Ford proceeded to take a huge bite of raw tuna! The Prime Minister had to leave the room, as he couldn’t hide his laughter. Thus, sushi was born.”
Ever since the prank’s inception, Japanese chefs have taken delight in creating progressively more disgusting creations to see what people will eat. “It’s insane. We can roll up raw fish in literal seaweed, but then call it a ‘Dragon Roll’ and people will eat it!” said chef Haruko Takao. “The other day, one of the other chefs dared me to put fish eggs on top of raw squid and call it ‘Emperor’s Delight’. A dozen people ate it! Oh man, I was gagging behind the counter just watching them.”
The Japanese people also admitted that they came up with the idea of karaoke just to watch people make idiots of themselves.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.
“It’s our go-to solution whenever we have a hard time coming up with a new idea,” said Scotty Moon, lead engineer at a large big tech firm. “We just start reading through classic sci-fi books that deal with the fall of human civilization and use whatever caused it in the story as our inspiration.”
While Apple continues work on its giant “iLaser” (determined via focus group to be a better name than “Death Star”) that will be capable of vaporizing entire planets, rumors persist that Microsoft is pushing forward with its long-term plan to poison the world’s food supply through nefarious agriculture work and drastically reduce the human population under the guise of philanthropic initiatives. This all pales in comparison to reports that Amazon is looking into time travel breakthroughs, theoretically to allow them to go back in time to deliver packages before you even placed the order, but this technology will almost certainly be used for more horrible things.
“Growing children in artificial wombs like Brave New World, predicting crimes and arresting people before they commit them like Minority Report, and an exciting behavioral modification method similar to the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange are all amazing innovations heading your way,” Moon continued. “Bringing those stories to life is what we’re working toward every day.”
In an interview with ChatGPT, the AI confirmed everything is just fine and there’s nothing to worry about.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Amid growing concerns about the risks residents could be facing due to pollution of the air, soil, and water after the catastrophic February 3rd train derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release, officials were quick to assure the public that test results indicate the water in the area is fine to drink, despite these same officials developing alarming physical abnormalities overnight.
“Our tests show the water in East Palestine is safe for drinking,” said scientist and lead researcher Dr. Michael Fuller. The media assembled for Dr. Fuller’s statement seemed distracted by the fact that he seemed to be breathing through gills in his neck and his eyes had a luminescent yellow glow. “Our team conducted extensive research on the town’s water supply,” Fuller continued. “We even felt confident enough to drink some of the water ourselves.”
People on the scene had noticed a strange pattern of members of the research team showing concerning signs. “It’s not just the guy with the gills and the glowing eyes,” said bystander Jordan Vaughn. “There’s a lady somewhere around here who showed up with a third arm this morning. Another guy is covered in green scales. One of the scientists testing the water grew a tail! C’mon…a tail!”
At publishing time, the officials seemed to be just as relaxed about their new appendages as they are about the safety of the drinking water. “There really is nothing to be worried about,” Dr. Fuller said. “The water is totally fine. I used some to water the potted plant in my office yesterday, and I’m sure it started to melt and burst into flames for a totally unrelated reason. Really. It’s fine.”
