Tag Archives: Babylon Bee

U.S.—With the government shutdown in effect, life has felt incomplete for many Americans. “Everything is just too easy—it’s boring,” said restaurant owner Gloria Morgan, “and I realized it’s because we’re missing an essential challenge in life: soulless bureaucrats posing arbitrary rules on us.”

One of the primary functions of the government is to ignorantly muck around in the business of others, but the shutdown has hampered that. Thus citizens have been forced to try to fill that void themselves. “Today I just suddenly decided large sodas weren’t allowed,” said Morgan. “It was an annoying, pointless obstacle the whole day—it was like the government was still around.”

“I arbitrarily decided I couldn’t use plastic bags in school lunches,” said Arlene Williams, mother of three. “It was really irritating to deal with. It really made me feel like there was still some bureaucrat out there not caring about me.”

Not everyone found it easy to take the government’s place, though. “I tried imposing random rules on myself, but it wasn’t the same,” said business owner Patrick Stanley. “The problem is I understand my business too well, so a lot of the rules actually made sense. I really need someone with no understanding of my company or economics making these rules, or it just doesn’t feel right.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Taking on a previously unregulated weapon, the federal government has instituted a five-day waiting period for all Nerf guns. “We decided it was time to act when we noticed how large the ammo is,” explained bureaucrat Joseph Clarkson. “The darts it fires are far larger than the average bullet, which must mean it’s a far deadlier weapon… as far as we understand things or care to understand things.”

Nerf guns use air to fire foam darts at velocities so high that, if used improperly, they could “really, really irritate someone.” Kids will often purchase Nerf guns when the urge to have fun suddenly overtakes them, but regulators hope this new waiting period will give them time to “cool-off” and “maybe decide to read a book or something instead.” In addition, the purchaser will undergo a background check to make sure he is not the sort of kid who would use the Nerf gun to “shoot a cat in the face.”

The waiting period has been a bit of a shock for last-minute shoppers. “Aw man… Come on!” commented Bradley Nelson, hoping to buy a Nerf gun for his son in time for Christmas. He instead bought his son “yet more Legos I hope I don’t step on.”

h/t The Burning Platform