Tag Archives: Covid-19 satire

The Oopsilon Variant, by Robert Gore


In a remote location outside Washington D.C., a group of the nation’s most powerful political, business, and medical leaders sat at a large table in a super-secret, super-secure conference room.

“We’ve discovered a new COVID variant,” Dr. Rachel Kielbasa, head of the Center for Disease Commerce, announced. “Over a hundred cases in Texas within the last month, forty-four cases in Florida the last two weeks.”

The people around the conference room smiled. A new variant out of Texas and Florida was a good thing. It would show those yahoos.

“So why all this secrecy and rigamarole, what’s another variant?” Albert Moola asked. He was the CEO of Liezer, a giant pharmaceutical concern.

“Liezer’s vaccine drops to zero effectiveness in two days,” Kielbasa responded.

“So people will need a new booster every two days. That’s a lot of shots, but with adequate funding from the government, I’m sure Liezer can rise to the challenge. For the good of the country, of course.”

“And the good of Liezer,” Speaker of House of Representatives Nanny Pelfosi said. Her tone was bitingly sarcastic, but she was bitingly sarcastic about everything. She was actually delighted, she owned a ton of Liezer stock.

“I’m afraid this isn’t as auspicious as it sounds, for Liezer or the rest of us,” Kielbasa said. “We know the current vaccine drops to zero effectiveness because the variant virus essentially eats it all up. It not only resists, it obliterates your vaccine, Albert, and every other vaccine now on the market. After two days we can’t find a drop of vaccine, and the spike proteins that the vaccines are supposed to make the recipient produce are gone, too. Everything is just gone.”

“But we’re counting on those vaccines to make people sick, so we can blame it on COVID and give them more vaccines to make ’em sicker, kill ’em!” shrieked Camela Sparus, Vice President of the United States.

“I assume Bill Negates has been notified?” Pelfosi said.

“He was our first call,” Kielbasa said. “He’s pledged five billion to find a vaccine. He said his contribution would have been ten billion, but his divorce has left him a little short. He’s personally supervising the effort, says there’s no time to spare. He sends his regards. Of course everyone else is going to kick in on this. They have to.” There was no mistaking the urgency in her voice. “There’s more bad news.”

“What could be worse than this?” Sparus shrieked.

“The variant appears to have no adverse effects at all. In fact, it wipes out every other COVID variant. Patients have even said that it leaves them feeling happier and more confident. ”

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