From The Babylon Bee:
Sentencing is beginning for the insurrectionists who tried to take over our country with selfie sticks and buffalo costumes. Luckily, they didn’t succeed.
Here are the 9 most terrifying criminals from that dark day of January 6, 2021 — a day that will go down in infamy:
Buffalo Guy — Look at this face: truly terrifying. Legal experts all agree that since he stood up in front of the congressional chambers, he is now legally our ruler. Bow down before bison man!
Knittin’ MeeMaw Gunderson — Wow. Terror. Horror. Truly the face of a criminal. OK, technically she was storming the Kansas state capitol and not the one in D.C., but still — she’s such a terrorist her terror spreads across the whole land.
The guy who put his feet on Pelosi’s desk — The act of a madman. The nation will never recover. THAT IS MAHOGANY!
The massive army of robot assassins who literally murdered AOC — These guys were ruthless. RIP AOC. Fs in the chat for the world’s smartest socialist.
The deadly lectern thief — Whole chapters in future history textbooks will be written about this guy, who literally walked into the building and walked out with a piece of wood. We’re talking John Wilkes Booth levels of impact on our country.
This squirrel — Just look at him. He’s clearly up to something.
This pigeon — Dastardly.
These professional insurrectionists who were having quite a bit of trouble climbing a wall — Had they succeeded in climbing the wall, the law of the land would have mandated that we make them our rulers. They would have had to fight Buffalo Guy in unarmed combat for the honor though.
And the mastermind behind it all: this deranged lunatic who specifically told everyone to remain peaceful — This psycho said, “I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard.” Truly the rallying cry of a madman.
We know these pictures are hard to look at. But it’s important to remember how terrible this day was so we will never repeat it.