The New Model Army, by William Gudal

Given what our army has become, it’s probably a good idea we don’t try to save Ukraine with U.S. boots on the ground. From SLL reader William Gudal:

(With Apologies to Oliver Cromwell)

O.K., here is how I picture the next war being fought, and I mean a real war where people are drafted, not volunteered. This of course includes women too, now that all are equal, and the women will of course be included in the front line combat assaults. Trannies too. Trannies may seek their own separate tran-only units but will be denied as exclusionists. Celebrities? Of course, celebrities go this time. This will be the most diverse and inclusive fighting units ever.

This time there will be the strictest diversity requirements. In the U.S. Army a squad consists of 12 what shall we call them, “persons”. In our New Model Army the pre-combat unit photograph will look like the following: one Jew, one Asian, one transgender, one gay “man”, one gay “woman”, one “special needs” teenager, one African American, one indigenous person, one Hispanic, and (ugh!) one token Caucasian. Each such squad will of course have two extremely important non-combat officers assigned to it: a diversity officer and an assistant diversity officer. Part of their job description is to meet with their enemy counterparts to coordinate global compatibility and post war unification.

Complicating matters will be the need to separate these units into the vaxxed and the un-vaxxed. Because they are riddled with disease, the un-vaxxed units will be in the vanguard of the initial frontal assaults, quickly transmitting “traceable” viral pestilence to the opponents – the evil dreaded troublemakers who do not share our values. The vaxxed will be held in reserve, but strategically utilized before their natural immunity systems begin to weaken. If perchance the vaxxed do shed “spikes” these protein spears will be the perfect coup de grace.

There is more great news. All of these units will be transported to the combat theater via vehicles powered by one hundred percent renewables. Each such vehicle will pull a trailer loaded with solar panels, wind blades and extra lithium, lots of extra lithium. If we run out of rare earth metals to power the batteries, we will mine some from the territory where we are going, and pay the owners later. Any such mining will not employ any dirty fuels. You’ve already pictured the ships and planes that are used to get to the destined foreign lands.

Because these units are the perfect amalgam of “what we stand for” and what America “represents”, they will be the happiest of warriors ever sent against an enemy. This is the key. What is needed though is an enemy. It can’t be China – we buy virtually everything from China. And, every American company that wants to manufacture something has investments in China where labor and environmental concerns are laughable. That leaves us with two juicy choices, Russia and Iran. Since they refuse to land amphibious units on the New Jersey shore, we will have to go there. I see The New Model Army scoring glorious military victories, but more importantly, sharing our combined global values. “But we in it shall be remembr’d, we few, we happy few, we band of” ­­happiest of all diverse creatures. [Henry V – Agincourt].

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