From The Babylon Bee:
“I would like to thank the F…B…I… remember them, the FBI? How about those beauties, huh?” said Trump to a roaring crowd of thousands outside his resort. “They came into my home to make your favorite president look like a criminal. Such losers, such losers. But everyone still loves me so it’s ok. They didn’t even find anything! I’m gonna be the President again!”
“I’m gonna fire everyone, literally everyone in government,” said Trump. Federal Reserve? Gone! EPA? Gone! CIA? Gone! Department of Education? ATF? HHS? Gone, gone, gone!”
The news media responded to Trump’s statement by calling him a “threat to democracy worse than Hitler” while tearing their clothes and heaping dust upon the crowns of their heads.
At publishing time, Trump’s approval had gone up over 30%, only to plunge again after he made another nasty comment about Mika Brzezinski’s facelift.