Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

EAST PALESTINE, OH — Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they’ve received the latest COVID booster.

“In light of the ongoing environmental and health crisis in rural Ohio, we are urging all citizens to make sure they are up to date on their vaccinations,” said Ohio Health Department spokesperson Danze Pickleton. “The chemicals being spilled into the water and burned into the air are nothing compared to the deadly power of the latest variant XBB.1.5. Get your booster, East Palestinians!”

The Ohio DOH reiterated that it’s essential to get vaccinated, especially if you are traveling to a new place after losing your home to a deadly chemical spill and are being forced to leave under threat of arrest.

“If there’s one thing we care about here in government it’s your health. Please get vaccinated,” said Pickleton.

At publishing time, the Department of Transportation had recommended preventing future chemical spills by making everyone turn in their guns.

https://babylonbee.com/news/officials-remind-residents-of-east-palestine-to-protect-themselves-by-getting-their-covid-booster

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.

“Listen, folks, I know our air force is busy shooting down flying saucers and whatnot, but these junk fees have gotta go. Not a joke!” said Biden to the White House press corps. “It’s getting to the point where you can’t even let your grown son snort crack off the back of a Russian hooker at Best Western without getting nickel and dimed to death! How can I afford that?”

Sources confirmed the military is still shooting down random objects in the sky, with no word on whether they are aliens, Chinese spy balloons, or helium balloons from Party City. The Secretary of Defense has ordered all branches to continue knocking objects out of the sky indiscriminately until they are given word otherwise from the Commander in Chief.

“Our nation is facing many challenges right now, and you can always count on my administration to prioritize them appropriately,” continued Biden. “And while we’re at it, can we talk about how guacamole costs extra at Chipotle? How could we let that happen in America?”

At publishing time, Biden said once junk fees are taken care of he will turn his attention toward defeating Airbnb owners who make you do the laundry before checking out.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-assures-nation-he-will-confront-the-alien-invasion-as-soon-as-he-deals-with-these-hotel-junk-fees

From The Babylon Bee:

PHILADELPHIA, PA — To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.

“One way or the other it’s going to burn,” said local man Dylan Timms. “With Philly, you never have to wonder.”

After nearly twenty years without a Super Bowl appearance, the city of Philadelphia is about two-thirds rebuilt from their last Super Bowl appearance. “Philly has such a tough reputation, everyone thinks it’s so run-down,” said long-time resident Macie Tapper. “What people don’t understand is that the city was in pretty good shape before we torched it after our last Super Bowl win. Now, you might ask, why do we burn it down when we win? You might as well ask why the groundhog digs holes, or why the beaver builds dams. It’s what Philadelphia does.”

In addition to burning the buildings down, the city has planned ahead by greasing every single light pole in the city with thousands of gallons of high-grade lubricant. “Yeah, we got a few funny looks when we ordered thirty-thousand pounds of petroleum jelly,” said City Manager Dave Rubeck. “But who will be laughing when people break their legs slipping off of light poles? Me. I’ll be laughing.”

At publishing time, Kansas City was reportedly preparing for the game’s aftermath by grilling some meat and drinking beer, like a normal city.

https://babylonbee.com/news/philadelphians-preemptively-burn-city-down-in-preparation-for-winning-or-losing-super-bowl

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine’s Day.

“If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he’s going to love this,” said President Biden as he taped a note reading “Be Mine” on a tank. “Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?”

Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. “This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off,” said Army General Leon Platt. “We’ve also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X’s and O’s. Biden even had the boys program the drones we’re sending to spell out ‘LOVE’ in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It’s really got that personal touch.”

The Valentine’s present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. “Love doesn’t come with strings attached,” explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. “The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades.”

In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out “SWEET PEA” in flames.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-sends-heart-shaped-arrangement-of-fighter-jets-to-zelensky-for-valentines-day

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — The Catholic church is currently being infiltrated by a number of undercover FBI agents who are partaking in the sacraments, earning indulgences, and even becoming priests. According to Bishop Robert Barron, who personally caught and interrogated one of the agents in a Vatican blacksite, the bureau appears to be looking into a mysterious plot inside the church to worship something other than the state.

“Who sent you? Why are you spying on us?” yelled the Bishop. “Why on earth would you spy on innocent parishioners?!”

The captured FBI agent then laughed wickedly and bit down on a false tooth and ingested a cyanide tablet hidden within.

Attorney General Merrick Garland responded to the startling revelations that agents are investigating the church by saying, “What? No! We’d never do something like that! I don’t even know what you’re talking about! But if there are people refusing to worship government mark my words: we will find them and make them pay.”

At publishing time, Pope Francis had revealed he’s been an FBI agent this whole time.

https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-investigating-plot-inside-the-catholic-church-to-worship-something-other-than-the-state

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — The NBA has confirmed that in addition to setting a new scoring record, LeBron James has broken the record for the largest number of flops in basketball history.

“This is the stuff of legends,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Mr. James has sailed past previous records set by Reggie Miller, Vlade Divac, and Dick Van Dyke, and has earned himself a place in flopping history as the greatest flopper in the history of the game.”

“Congratulations, King James!”

Sources say that while James has scored over 38,000 points in his NBA career, he has successfully flopped over 580,000 times. “Each dramatic flop has a look and a feel all its own,” said Silver. “James is original, daring, and dramatic. And the crowd loves it! There’s nothing the crowd loves more than the game being stopped every 4 seconds to shoot free throws. Just thrilling!”

At publishing time, the NBA had confirmed James also broke the all-time whining record.

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, DC — In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight’s State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.

“We’ve really been a driving force behind most decisions made by the country’s leadership anyway,” said Pfizer spokesperson Phil Brooks. “The next logical step is to just start publicly sponsoring this type of official policy speech.”

Fresh off its sponsorship of the much-talked-about musical performance/Satanic worship service by Sam Smith at the Grammy Awards, the pharmaceutical giant is looking to expand its public presence into the political sphere. “Most members of Congress are on our payroll already,” Brooks continued. “Sam Smith’s performance at the Grammys, combined with a speech from President Biden, really captures the essence of what Pfizer is all about. They go hand-in-hand.”

Other potential sponsors were reportedly discussed behind closed doors by the Biden administration, including Balenciaga, the Chinese Communist Party, and Satan himself. “We thought about other options, but Pfizer seemed like a good start,” said a White House source under the condition of anonymity. “After all, we can’t really be too open and honest about who controls our messaging.”

At publishing time, additional ideas being bounced around included having the President do paid ad reads for Pfizer during the speech, adding a musical interlude by Sam Smith, or even inviting Pfizer mascot Clotty to be one of the President’s guests.

https://babylonbee.com/news/tonights-state-of-the-union-to-be-sponsored-by-pfizer

From The Babylon Bee:

LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

“In a span of less than two minutes of scrolling, I saw a fistfight, clear evidence of a Satanic new world order, and had my faith ruthlessly mocked,” said Mr. Burt. “I’m just glad I got on Twitter in time, or I would have been able to drift off to sleep in peace!”

According to sources, Mr. Burt has now on several occasions escaped moments of potential hopefulness and tranquility by logging onto Twitter. “Just the other day, I almost had the mental bandwidth to begin reading Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton,” said Mr. Burt. “I could have had clarity, spiritual encouragement and common sense poured into my brain. Fortunately, my phone buzzed, and I quickly descended instead into a spiral of reading asinine, hateful comments that were ‘liked’ by hundreds of thousands of people. I spent the next hour enrolling my children in boarding school and figuring out what it takes to become Amish.”

Mr. Burt’s wife has also reported that Twitter serves as helpful little hits of rage, which she can put to good use at times. “If he’s struggling to open a jar or something, I just let him scroll Twitter for a couple of minutes until he’s filled with fury,” said Mrs. Burt. “It really works wonders. He used to be able to fall right asleep, but now he stares anxiously at the ceiling for hours. For people who need some more anxiety in their lives, it’s a wonder drug.”

At publishing time, Mr. Burt had given his kids access to TikTok, barely avoiding the normal development of his children’s brains.

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-narrowly-escapes-peace-of-mind-with-well-timed-twitter-visit

From The Babylon Bee:

ST. LOUIS, MO — After a brisk winter jog today, local man Donald Vance decided that perhaps obesity isn’t so bad after all.

“My diabetes meds taste pretty good, come to think of it,” said Mr. Vance, doubled over in agony. “Love handles are just more of me to love!”

Mr. Vance had set out for the morning jog with high hopes, having bought thermal workout shirts and leggings. “I felt great for about fifteen seconds. I was like Rocky Balboa, training in Russia,” said Mr. Vance. “Then my lungs started hurting, my eyes watered up, my hands went numb, my ears ached, my knees started buckling, and I started thinking about pancakes. Instead of putting myself through this utter misery, I could have been home eating pancakes! So that’s what I did.”

Though still concerned about his weight, Mr. Vance’s jog has radically altered his perspective on obesity. “I see now the question is, what amount of weight loss is worth losing your toes to frostbite and lighting your lungs on fire?” said Mr. Vance. “When you put suffering on that scale, carrying some extra pounds doesn’t seem so bad. Plus, ask yourself – have pizza rolls ever hurt you like that? Well, maybe if you don’t let them cool down first. But that’s just foolish.”

At publishing time, Mr. Vance had returned his thermal workout gear and instead used the money to purchase 173 bags of Cheetohs.

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-winter-jog-man-decides-obesity-not-so-bad