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Category Archives: Humor
Biden Announces U.S. Surrender To Chinese Balloon
From The Babylon Bee:
WORLD — In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America’s unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.
“Listen, folks, it’s over,” said Biden as a single tear ran down his face. “We’re outgunned here. There’s no hope that we can match the awesome power of this giant balloon.”
Biden’s voice was drowned out by the dozens of weeping journalists gathered outside the room.
“I urge you all to hug your loved ones and embrace your children, for the end is near. God help us all,” Biden finally said before signing off for the last time.
At publishing time, Americans had been urged by the administration to start learning Mandarin.
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-announces-us-surrender-to-chinese-balloon
Trump Attacks DeSantis For Failing To Fire Dr. Fauci, Rushing Untested Vaccine
From The Babylon Bee:
MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.
“Can you believe Ron DeSantis picked that joker Anthony Fauci to lead the pandemic response? What an idiot!” said President Trump. “And remember how they had to hospitalize DeSantis at Walter Reed when he had COVID because his oxygen got too low? Such a weakling!”
In addition to blaming DeSantis for the failings of Dr. Fauci, Trump also took the governor to task for rushing a vaccine through development with the federal government’s Operation Warp Speed. “Now they’re finding out this vaccine has all these terrible side effects, and it’s all because of Ron DeSantis,” said Mr. Trump. “Might as well call the disease ‘myocarDeSantis’! Ha! What a total failure. Sad!”
Thus far, the DeSantis camp has yet to issue any direct response to Trump’s attacks. “Yeah, we’re just as confused as y’all are,” said DeSantis’ communications director Christina Pushaw. “We always liked Trump, so it’s honestly kind of sad to see his mind start to go. I know dementia isn’t supposed to be contagious, but D.C. sure makes it seem that way.”
Governor DeSantis himself could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy winning.
Everyone Ordered To Pay Everyone Reparations As Every Race Owned Every Race At Some Point
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world due to the fact that at some point in history, every people group owned slaves from another people group.
“This is really the only way to truly guarantee actual equality,” said Richard Fliehr, Chairman of Reparations for Humanity, a global non-profit group looking to bring in billions of dollars in revenue from its push for reparations. “We started with a few ethnic groups, but according to our research, pretty much every group, nation, and civilization has owned slaves of every other ethnic group at some point.”
Though having every person pay every other person is (by definition) equal, some groups were outraged. “How is making everything the same for everyone fair?!” asked Reverend Al Sharpton to reporters gathered outside his luxurious apartment building in New York City’s Upper East Side. “Acknowledging the fact that every group of people has oppressed another group of people at some time during human history is a slap in the face to those of us who want special treatment. This is unacceptable!”
At publishing time, various minority organizations in the United States sought to appeal the decision after learning that people of white European descent were not the only people who would be required to pay reparations and were not, in fact, collectively responsible for all oppression and human suffering from the beginning of time.
Miracle: Biden Ends Same COVID Pandemic For The Third Time
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
“No other President has ended the COVID-19 pandemic even once, let alone three times,” said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre at a press conference that still bars entry to anyone who has not recently tested negative, and also mandates the unvaccinated to wear masks and social distance.
“However, we must make this clear,” stated Jean-Pierre. “The ongoing pandemic, which President Biden has ended multiple times, is not over.”
Critics have voiced concerns about President Biden taking credit for ending the ongoing pandemic, and wonder if President Trump should also receive credit for Operation Warp Speed, which helped rush Pfizer’s perfect, 100% effective COVID-19 vaccine into our veins, then hearts.
At publishing time, Biden’s team had confirmed there will be a fourth, pandemic-ending miracle in our future, right before the 2024 election.
https://babylonbee.com/news/miracle-biden-ends-the-same-covid-19-pandemic-three-times
Posted in Humor
Pfizer Pleased To Announce Their New Vaccine 90% Effective Against New Virus They Created
From The Babylon Bee:
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
“First there was the dream, now there is reality,” said Pfizer CEO Albert “Dirty Berty” Bourla from his planet-orbiting space fortress. “They said it couldn’t be done — that it was unethical — but we showed them!”
He elaborated, “A new variant is scary. That’s why we wanted to make sure the vaccine was ready to go right away. We had a lot of experience from causing myocarditis and then treating it, which was a big help.”
Pfizer scientists have been working double time to get both products ready for simultaneous release using a process they call “directed evolution.”
“First, we create a new virus variant,” explained Dr. Dumas, Pfizer’s head of bioweaponry. “Then, we get tons of people sick on purpose.”
“Ta-da! Directed evolution!”
Experts suggest Pfizer’s radical approach to virus treatment may be tantamount to an abusive relationship, but that’s okay because we probably deserve it.
“I’d suggest we investigate this immediately,” said Congresswoman AOC. “But I don’t want to burn any bridges. I might have to get a job there someday.”
According to sources, doctors across the nation are looking to boost their business with similar attempts at Directed Evolution. “First I break their kneecaps, and then I bandage them up. Medicine!” said one Detroit doctor.
https://babylonbee.com/news/pfizer-releases-new-vaccine-virus-combo-pack
Posted in Humor
U.S. Tanks In Ukraine Already Destroyed After Being Easily Recognized By Their Rainbow Camouflage
From The Babylon Bee:
UKRAINE — Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.
“These tanks are state of the art, boasting the latest and greatest in firepower, mobility, and of course LGBTQ-affirming camouflage,” said Biden’s Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “The fact the Russians would dare fire upon our rainbow-printed tanks shows how hateful, bigoted and on the wrong side of history these Russians truly are.”
According to sources, it was a beautiful moment in Ukraine as the people cheered on the newly deployed Abrams tanks as they made their way down the streets of Kyiv. Unfortunately, this touching moment was cut short as the tanks rounded the street corner and were effortlessly, and easily targeted by Russian tanks in seconds.
Lloyd Austin responded in a statement: “The American military will learn from these mistakes made, and I personally promise to do everything in my power to make our fighting forces even more progressive. We now know that if we are going to stop the Russians, our tanks need to be more diverse, more equitable, and operated by non-binary, trans persons of color.”
At publishing time, President Joe Biden stated that he was “putting boots on the ground”, and that it was okay and not an escalation of war as long as the boots were rainbow-colored.
Having Maxed Out Taxes On California Residents, Newsom Proposes New Tax On Florida Residents
From The Babylon Bee:
SACRAMENTO, CA — After years of taxing California citizens to capacity and still not having enough in the state budget, Governor Gavin Newsom has proposed a brand new tax on people who live in Florida.
“Look at all those people in Florida with all that money. They aren’t even paying California taxes! Like, how selfish can you be, right?” said Newsom to the pastry chef who had just brought out his gold-leaf Tarte Tropézienne at French Laundry. “It’s high time for Floridians to pay their fair share of California taxes. This is a matter of basic human decency.”
The new proposed tax plan will add an additional 10% income tax on anyone who lives in Florida and makes above $9,000 per year. It will be enforced by an army of illegal immigrants and homeless people from Southern California who will break into Floridians’ houses at night to collect the tax.
“With this long-overdue tax on Floridians, we will be able to fill potholes, fix bridges, and fund our preschool queer studies program,” said Newsom in a statement. “The time to act is now. If we do not pass this, climate change will get worse.”
At publishing time, Newsom had also proposed a tax on cowboy boots sold in Texas.
