Tag Archives: Border patrol

Border Patrol Ordered To Chase Immigrants With Segways And Pool Noodles

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S.—The Border Patrol has been stripped of their horses, as they seemed to like riding them around and pretending to be Indiana Jones with their reins according to Jen Psaki and Joe Biden. Now, they are being issued fresh equipment: Segways and pool noodles, which will be used to keep unruly immigrants in line as they flood across the Rio Grande. “This represents a massive step forward for the treatment of people ignoring our laws entirely,” said Psaki at a press conference Friday. When a reporter asked about how this would affect the border crisis, Psaki responded, “Would you like a chocolate chip cookie or a warm raisin cookie?” And everyone clapped. The new order handed down today will force the Border Patrol to wave their pool noodles and playfully slap immigrants as they come into the country, while the Segways will allow them to chase the refugees, so long as they stay on paved roads or travel through any kind of indoor mall. “This is a victory for all countries around the world,” said Psaki. “Well, except one.”

US Government Pays $475,000 For Illegally Searching Woman’s Vagina, by Simon Black

You may want to save this article for last because it will probably make you very mad. From Simon Black at sovereignman.com:

Have you lost that loving feeling? If so, the United States federal government might just be able to help.

Before you swipe right on Tinder or update that eHarmony account, consider instead taking a quick trip out of the country.

Because on your way back home into the Land of the Free, US Customs and Border Protection will have agents standing by ready with heaps of government stimulus.

It happened to a Jane Doe (the name has been withheld to protect what little remains of her dignity), a 54-year old US citizen who had recently been on a trip to Mexico.

As she was returning home via the Cordova Bridge border crossing in El Paso, she was randomly selected for extra special screening and escorted to a private area.

I’ve been there. It’s not fun. They don’t tell you anything, and they don’t say why.

They act very aggressively and start barking orders at you as if you’re already a prison inmate.

Quite frequently you can sit there wasting away for hours. Fortunately for me, nothing particularly sinister ever happened. For Ms. Doe, it was quite the opposite.

According to the published case files, she was frisked, and then ordered to squat so that a drug-sniffing dog could check out her nether regions.

Apparently the dog liked what he smelled, because Ms. Doe was then taken to yet another room, ordered to pull down her pants, and crouch.

At that point an agent from Customs and Border Protection “inspected her anus with a flashlight.”

She was then ordered to lean backwards in a crouched position, after which another agent inserted a speculum into her vagina to search for drugs.

Another agent then “parted Ms. Doe’s vulva with her hand, pressed her fingers into Ms. Doe’s vagina, and visually examined her genitalia with a flashlight.”

They then took her to a hospital for a further 6 hours of involuntary testing, which included forcing her to have a bowel movement as they all watched, plus X-rays, CT scans, and more.

I know what you’re thinking– they probably found a treasure trove of cocaine and methamphetamine shoved deep inside Ms. Doe’s womanhood.

Except they didn’t.

Ms. Doe was “brutally probed against her will” for hours and hours without judicial oversight, due process, or even reasonable suspicion. And they found nothing.

Here’s the really disgusting part: at the end of this ordeal, they released her without charge… with one catch.

They told her that if she signed a consent form, retroactively giving her permission to be abused and violated, that the government would pay for all the tests and various medical expenses.

But if she didn’t sign the consent form, she’d have to pay for them all herself.

Ms. Doe refused to sign, and the United States government sent her a bill for more than $5,000, essentially demanding that she pay for her own sexual assault.

Emotionally shattered she went home feeling like a rape victim. She sued.

To continue reading: US Government Pays $475,000 For Illegally Searching Woman’s Vagina