Tag Archives: Humor

Health Experts Now Recommend Maximizing Social Distance By Attending A Biden Rally

From the Babylon Bee:

U.S.—Health experts across the globe are recommending a new strategy for maximizing your social distance: attending a Joe Biden rally.

Officials say there’s no better place to be miles away from most other humans.

“When you attend a Joe Biden rally, you’re very unlikely to get infected, since, you know, there’s no one else there,” said one CDC official. “We’ve found that Trump rallies are super-spreader events since there’s a ton of people. Biden rallies are great for stopping the virus. You just stand in the middle of a field while an old guy shouts from a podium hundreds of feet far away from you.”

“Plus, you can rest and relax. Get away from the busyness of modern life: attend a Biden rally. BIDEN-HARRIS 2020!”

The health experts named several alternatives that are also acceptable for maximal social distancing, including attending a Biden boat parade, a Biden car parade, and a Nickelback concert.


Heartwarming: Amy Coney Barrett Just Adopted A Local Troubled Youngster Named Hunter

From the Babylon Bee:

SOUTH BEND, IN—According to sources, Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett has adopted her 8th child, a troubled local youngster named Hunter. In a touching story of love triumphing over all odds, the Barrett family fought for custody of Hunter and welcomed him into their family for the first time this week.

“This family has love to spare,” said Judge Barrett. “We just knew we had another child out there somewhere. We were told by the agency that young Hunter had his fair share of issues, but we knew we would be up to the challenge.”

According to friends of the family, Hunter is slowly adjusting to his new home and family. He has kicked an old drug habit and is now attending church with the rest of the family. He has also renounced his old ways and paid back a Ukrainian gas company fourfold.

“We love having Hunter with us!” said the leader of the small church group Hunter attends every week. “Whenever we share testimonies, he puts our testimonies to shame with stories of drugs, corruption, and horrific scandal, unlike anything we’ve heard. Awesome!”

Judge Barrett is still struggling to teach Hunter the value of hard work. He is being paid a few dollars to do chores around the house when he’s used to being paid $50,000 per month for nothing.

“We’re still working on it,” she said.


You Should Absolutely NOT Read The Disgusting, Totally False Story About Joe Biden’s Son That We’ve Linked To In This Article

From the Babylon Bee:

There’s a disgusting, absolutely 100% false story about Joe Biden’s son going around. It’s so bad that it has been condemned by the wise, moral, upstanding people who run Twitter and Facebook. Even mentioning the story can get you banned from these platforms. That’s how bad and false the story is.

It claims that Biden’s son did a lot of really bad stuff, allegedly, stuff that he CERTAINLY did not do. It says that there was clear alleged corruption in the Obama-Biden administration, with Biden allegedly pulling strings for his allegedly wayward son. The story also had a bunch of obviously doctored photos of the former vice president’s alleged son doing some insane stuff, allegedly.

All of this stuff is 100% false, and you should not even give it the time of day. You should not read it at all.

Here is the story, that again, to be clear, you absolutely should not read:

Smoking-gun email reveals how Hunter Biden introduced Ukrainian businessman to VP dad

Since you did not click on that article, you were not horrified by all the alleged revelations about H. Biden. So your life is much better for not reading the completely false story. We are glad you did not read it and share it with others. Because you are a good, upstanding citizen and would not share false smears about someone. Good job!


Biden: ‘I Won’t Reveal Whether I Plan On Abolishing The Constitution And Establishing A Glorious Communist Utopia Until After I’m Elected’

From the Babylon Bee

LAS VEGAS, NV—Joe Biden was asked yet again today if he plans to abolish the Constitution, overthrow Congress, dismiss the Supreme Court, and set up a Communist regime to take their place. Once again, Biden refused to answer the question, saying voters will find out whether he plans to seize the means of production and institute a one-party rule, U.S.S.R.-style.

“Look, if I tell you whether or not I plan to institute a new Communist order, establishing a glorious worker-led revolution that will lead us out of this capitalistic nightmare and into a paradisical utopia, that would become the headline,” Biden said. “That would be playing Trump’s game. So I’m not going to say whether I support this great idea.”

“Don’t voters deserve to know this?” asked a concerned reporter.

“No, they don’t deserve to know,” Biden snapped back. “And you’ll be the first thrown into the gulag, bucko, I tell you what. Write that whippersnapper’s name down, Kamala.”


Biden Even More Determined To Not Get COVID After Finding Out He Could Lose Sense Of Smell

Media Criticizes Trump For Downplaying Virus Threat By Not Dying

From the Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Donald Trump is once again under fire from the media for recklessly downplaying the danger of COVID by refusing to die. As the president begins to show signs of recovery, many worry that this sends the wrong message about the seriousness of the global pandemic.

“Every hour that he lives is another hour that the severity of this virus is undermined!” said reporter Sara Grace Major for CNN. “Why won’t he just DIE and show the American people how deadly this virus truly is?”

“Mr. President, are you sure you don’t need to lie down indefinitely or go on a ventilator?” asked another distraught journalist. “Maybe even say goodbye to your loved ones?!”

“Honestly, I feel terrific. Tremendous, really. I was never afraid of this virus before, but now I am even more not afraid. It’s sad, really. I was told this virus would be one tough cookie,“ Trump said to the press. “In fact, I’ve never felt better.”

“His defiance is going to get people killed. Dying like he’s supposed to would be the most patriotic thing he could do,” complained CNN correspondent Adam Pelot. “If he lives, how will the people be able to trust science?”

At publishing time, members of the press had begun pulling their own hair out as they watched the “incredibly strong and healthy” president go for a jog around the White House grounds.


Trump Adds ‘Black Lives Matter’ Sticker To SUV So Media Can’t Claim He’s Spreading COVID

From the Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what’s being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won’t be able to claim he’s spreading COVID.

“Checkmate,” Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. “This is fantastic. Now, if I want to go grab a milkshake from the McDonald’s drive-thru — bam, Black Lives Matter sticker. Can’t touch me. Can’t criticize me. It’s beautiful. Tremendous, really.”

With his newfound freedom, Trump instructed his motorcade to drive around the city. The president waved at supporters — referred to as “peaceful protesters” — and stopped at the drive-in to catch Tenet. He even shared a bucket of popcorn with Secret Service agents, and not a single reporter was able to claim he was spreading the virus, thanks to his handy decal.

“Well, that was a bust,” Trump said as his Chevy Suburban pulled out of the movie theater to take him back to the hospital. “That didn’t make any sense at all. Did I need to understand Interstellar to make heads or tails of that? What a terrible movie. We should have seen Trolls.”

Biden: ‘You Have To Elect Me To Find Out What My Policy Positions Are’

From the Babylon Bee:

CLEVELAND, OH—In a brilliant debate performance, candidate Joe Biden offered his most compelling case for election yet, saying: “If I am elected, you’ll get to see what all my policy positions are!”

After debate moderator Chris Wallace tried to set a diabolical trap for Biden by asking him for his policy positions, Biden shrewdly saw the trap coming a mile away and refused to answer the question.

“Naw, that’s a trap. A bunch of malarkey, I say!” Biden retorted. “I ain’t gonna tell you nothin’. You’ll just try to use my policy positions to make me look bad! Well, I ain’t fallin’ for it, Jack. No sir, no how.”

Biden went on to explain that his policies are a “special, secret surprise” and are so special and secret, even he himself doesn’t know them yet.

“Don’t you want to see my policies?” Biden said. “I know I do! Vote for me in November and you may just get a chance to see them! Besides, Donald Trump? Come on, man! Look at that guy! That guy can’t even bench press a flea-bitten mink coat in a snowstorm!”

In a closed-door fundraising dinner, Kamala Harris assured supporters that they do in fact have policy positions that can be found on BLM’s website or in a book called Das Kapital by a fellow named Karl.