Tag Archives: Joe Biden

After Seeing The Jump In Trump’s Poll Numbers, Biden Orders FBI To Raid His House Too

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources close to the Biden Administration, President Biden responded to seeing Trump’s jump in poll numbers by ordering the FBI to raid his house too.

These orders come at a time when Biden’s approval rating has reached record lows, due to 20 consecutive months of unfortunate disasters that allegedly had nothing to do with Biden or his policies, but were the fault of everyone else, especially Trump.

“Hey, FBI guys, I could use some of those higher poll numbers,” wrote President Biden on a piece of paper before shoving it under the basement door in hopes that one of his handlers on the outside would deliver it to an FBI guy. “P.S., I could use another diaper change right about now.”

At publishing time, Biden had instructed — via letters shoved under the door — that groundskeepers plant a few palm trees in the Rose Garden and that everyone call The White House by its new name, Mar-a-Lago, D.C.

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-seeing-the-jump-in-trumps-poll-numbers-biden-orders-the-fbi-to-raid-his-house-too

Biden: ‘We Are In A Pandemic Of The Quadruple Vaccinated’

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the “quadruple vaccinated.”

“Four shots, it’s not enough anymore,” said Biden. “You need at least five to five hundred thousand thousand thirty-two, um, um, five thousand, blirteen sixty shots. Science told me. Not a joke! At this point, if you haven’t gotten the vaccine at least 5 times you’re denying the science. Come on!”

The president is calling on all citizens to get quintuple-vaccinated before he catches COVID a third time.

The White House Communications Team backed up Biden’s statement, saying: “The President has been very clear from the very beginning of the pandemic and has never once wavered in his opinion in the slightest, and it is a very clear opinion because the President is always clear and in his right mind and he definitely doesn’t have severe dementia. If you don’t get jabbed at least 5 times you’re killing people with COVID. This shouldn’t be hard. The science is clear.”

At publishing time, Krispy Kreme announced they will entice people into getting quintuple vaxxed by offering two free doughnuts this time.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-we-are-in-a-pandemic-of-the-quadruple-vaccinated

‘You Can’t Be Pro-Insurrection And Pro-American,’ Says President Of Nation Founded By An Insurrection

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The president shot back at what he called “Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans” Monday as he claimed “you can’t be pro-insurrection and pro-American” despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.

“Can you imagine Thomas Jefferson calling for the blood of tyrants? What if John Adams refused to pledge fealty to King George? England would’ve nuked us to oblivion. It would’ve been total malarkey anarchy!” said the unblinking Biden, unflinching in the face of a citizenry increasingly questioning whether he is fit to be president.

“Look, here’s the deal, these Capitol insurrectioneserutes are traitors to American ideals because they wanted to challenge the results of an election,” Biden confirmed. “I know this for a fact because a traitor is everyone who does not agree with me.”

“We saw what happened,” he continued, referring to the events of January 6. “Law enforcement agencies were speared with terrorist javelins dripping in blood, surrounded by carnage.”

“These are all things that actually happened that I am not making up,” he added.

At publishing time, White House officials had advised the president to stop saying “we saw what happened” in regards to the January 6 capitol riots because he keeps describing events that never took place.

https://babylonbee.com/news/you-cant-be-pro-insurrection-and-pro-american-says-president-of-nation-founded-by-an-insurrection

Biden Places ‘I Did That’ Sticker On Gas Pump After Price Drops Two Cents

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON,D.C. — After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing “I did that!” stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.

“Look folks, this is 2 cents we’re talking about here. You think this kinda thing happens on its own? Malarkey! Read the stickers. I did that!” said Biden at a White House Press conference. “And remember Putin makes prices go up. Biden makes prices go down!”

Biden continued explaining that to achieve this, all he had to do was empty out our entire military’s fuel supply. He assured Americans that our military didn’t really need it anyway.

At publishing time more Biden “I did that!” stickers were found but they were spotted instead on high food prices, empty shelves, lines of unvaccinated troops being discharged, and the overrun southern border.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-places-i-did-that-sticker-on-gas-pump-after-price-drops-two-cents

Biden Calls On The Economy To Stop Being Bad

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move this morning to address the nation’s financial woes, President Biden has officially called on the American economy to stop being bad.

“Come on, economy!” said an impassioned President Biden. “Make everything cheaper! Give everyone more money! I hereby demand you stop being atrocious! Do it. Do it now!”

Pundits immediately lauded President Biden’s brilliant plan, with MSNBC heralding it as the most transformative economic initiative since the New Deal. “Biden simply asking the economy to be better is nothing short of genius,” said Rachel Maddow. “Economists are out there playing checkers, and Joe Biden is here playing chess, what with his clarion call to give everyone more money and make everything cheaper. Why has no one thought of this before?”

President Biden also took the opportunity to speak directly to the struggling stock market. “I know people who used to have money in their retirement accounts are frustrated — which is why today I am also calling on the stock market to go up. Just do it, ok? Just make the numbers bigger! Repeat line, end of speech!”

At publishing time, sources say inflation is still skyrocketing, a recession has begun, the stock market is still crashing, and it’s all Putin’s fault.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-calls-on-the-economy-to-stop-being-bad

New York Times to Biden — Time to Go! By Pat Buchanan

When the liberals’ bible says it’s time for Biden to go, he might as well book his retirement flight on Air Force One and start soliciting donations for the Joe Biden Presidential Library. From Pat Buchanan at buchanan.org:

When President Joe Biden retired in Rehoboth Beach on Saturday night, he likely did not expect to find a severed horse’s head under his bed covers.

But there it was, courtesy of The New York Times.

“At 79, Biden is Testing the Boundaries of Age and the Presidency” ran the headline over Sunday’s devastating front-page story.

Message: Time’s up, Joe. Time to go. Second term is out.

Biden officials and White House aides acknowledge, the story ran, that, “Mr. Biden looks older than just a few years ago … His energy level … is not what it was, and some aides quietly watch out for him. He often shuffles when he walks, and aides worry he will trip on a wire. He stumbles over words during public events, and they hold their breath to see if he makes it to the end without a gaffe.”

On and on it went, the Times tale of Biden’s cognitive decline:

“Mr. Biden’s … speeches can be flat and listless. He sometimes loses his train of thought, has trouble summoning names or appears momentarily confused. More than once, he has promoted Vice President Kamala Harris, calling her ‘President Harris.’ Mr. Biden, who overcame a childhood stutter, stumbles over words like ‘kleptocracy.’ He has said Iranian when he meant Ukrainian and several times called Senator Mark Warner, Democrat of Virginia, ‘John,’ confusing him with the late Republican senator of that name from Virginia …

“The White House has had to walk back some of his ad-libbed comments, such as when he vowed a military response if China attacks Taiwan or declared that President Vladimir V. Putin ‘cannot remain in power’ in Russia.”

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Biden Calls On Pollsters To Raise His Approval Rating

From The Babylon Bee:

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a passionate speech in which he begged gas stations across the country to lower gas prices, Biden ended with a plea to pollsters, asking them to raise his approval rating.

“Come on, man! 33 percent? You pollsters can do better than that!” said an increasingly frustrated Biden. “What are you all doing all day anyway? Just standin’ around? Find me some more numbers! You don’t want me coming over there. I’ll mess you up! Furblenibbits! Branfredischzsazure!”

Officials from Gallup, Newsweek, and Real Clear Politics all confirmed they are working as hard as they can and hope to pump Biden’s numbers a few points soon.

In his speech, Biden also demanded Ukraine lower its war casualty numbers, the banks lower inflation numbers, and his aides increase the amount of cinnamon in his applesauce.

At publishing time, Gallup came through, showing a 2% increase in Biden’s approval rating by polling only Gallup employees.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-calls-on-pollsters-to-raise-his-approval-rating

Commentary: Like His Hero, FDR, Joe Biden Shambles His Way Through History, Leaving the World to Wonder Who is Captaining this Ship of State, by J. Michael Waller

For a couple of years before he died, Franklin Delano Roosevelt suffered from dementia and senility. Of course anyone who knows the real history of the New Deal knows his entire administration was brain dead, long before FDR himself was at death’s door. The parallels with the Biden administration are obvious. By the way, the two best ways to get yourself considered one of the greatest presidents in history is to expand the size and power of the federal government and get the country involved in a war. FDR was a two-fer, and it’s a reasonable bet that Biden will be, too. In which case liberal historians (but I repeat myself) will say he had greatness thrust upon him, because he certainly had zero beforehand. From J. Michael Waller at tennesseestar.com:

The distant eyes and slack mouth, the befuddled shuffle off the walkway, recurrent unexplained schedule gaps and public disappearances, and off-the-wall comments finally make Joe Biden a pale copy of his hero, Franklin D. Roosevelt.

In wrapping up a war and realigning the world order, the first eight months of Biden as president resemble the last years of Roosevelt – except that FDR was on the cusp of victory against an avowed enemy.

The medical condition of an American president can affect the entire nation and the world for generations. Now, as then, one wonders who is really in charge of what.

FDR appeased Stalin on practically every major point leading up to the notorious Big Three Yalta summit with British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in 1945.

Biden has surpassed Roosevelt by simultaneously accommodating Vladimir Putin’s Russia, Communist China, state sponsors of terrorism like Qatar and Iran, and the global jihadist movement – in ways that will change the world for generations.

For the moment let’s not look at the actual policies, but at the conditions of the presidents themselves. Roosevelt at Yalta purposefully excluded wise visionaries like Loy Henderson and George Kennan in favor of others. As Afghanistan shows, Biden has not surrounded himself with the best and brightest.

Roosevelt had shown a certain softness toward Stalin since 1933, when he became president and recognized the Soviet Union. He rejected top diplomats’ advice that, among other things, a quid pro quo be attached to prevent the Kremlin from interfering in American internal affairs.

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Victor Davis Hanson: Why The Left Will Cut Biden Loose

It’s not clear whether the left will cut Biden loose in 2024 if they can cheat their way to victory as they did in 2020. Hanson appears to believe that elections from here on out will be fair, but they won’t be. Biden will be a problem in 2024, but he was a problem in 2020 and that didn’t stop him from “winning” that election. From Victor Davis Hanson at zerohedge.com:

Republican pundits and conservative activists are debating whether they can win in 2024 with the successful Trump agenda, but without the controversial former President Donald Trump as their nominee.

The Democrats have a similar, but far more serious dilemma with President Joe Biden as the Democratic Party’s nominee in 2024.

Unlike the Trump Administration’s successful four years, Biden’s tenure has been an utter disaster. There are no policy offsets to the personal liabilities and unpopularity of Biden himself.

Biden’s liabilities transcend his physical infirmities, his advanced age, and his seeming geometric rather than arithmetic rate of mental decline.

Biden, moreover, proves daily that he is not a nice guy. His excesses, past and present, are precisely those the Left considers mortal sins.

Walking back Biden’s absurdities has become the nonstop, tiresome task of many on the Left. As they face a midterm disaster in November, many no longer see any compensating reasons not to drop Biden.

When the Republicans take the House of Representatives in 2022 there will be nonstop investigations of Hunter Biden’s alleged tax avoidances, his possibly illegal work as an unregistered foreign agent, and Joe Biden’s untaxed compensation he received from the Biden lobbying consortium.

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Random Reflections on the Divine Imperium and its Southern Appurtenances, by Fred Reed

Is it time for the global South to shine? From Fred Reed at thesaker.is:

Random Reflections on the Divine Imperium and its Southern Appurtenances

By Fred Reed for the Saker Blog

Great fun. The Organization of American States on June Sixth began its big meeting in LA, probably unnoticed by most of the US but a big deal hereabouts in Mexico. America dominates the OAS pretending it doesn’t, as it dominates SWIFT, NATO, and the IMF as means of controlling other nations. Considerable uproar exists in Latin America because various Latin countries, most notably Mexico, have refused to attend on grounds that the United States has excluded countries it doesn’t like, such as Cuba, Venezuela, and Nicaragua. This is astonishing as it shows what may be a modicum of independence in the Latin South.

The White House says that it has excluded these countries because—brace yourself—of America’s almost erotic attachment to democracy, freedom, justice, democracy, human rights, and democracy, none of which the US conspicuously has. We must believe this, for is not Biden South America’s mommy? Which probably has something to do with transgender rights, though I prefer not to think about this.

I suggest that Biden actually excludes them because he cannot afford to allow anyone to speak who is not under American control. The Cuban president, unafraid of Washington, might speak thusly:

“Ladies and gentlemen, leaders of Latin America, you should begin this conference by admitting that you are all bootlickers, that you do not represent your populations who, as you all know, hate the Americans, but rather you toady to the Anglos who give you suitcases full of hundred-dollar bills, who flatter you with pretended respect while you do as they say.

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