Tag Archives: Jen Psaki

Jen Psaki Steps Down As White House Press Secretary To Take Position As The Mouth Of Sauron

From The Babylon Bee:

MORDOR—Jen Psaki has announced that she is stepping down as White House Press Secretary in order to take up a position as the Mouth of Sauron. In her new role, she will be recognized as one of Sauron’s most devoted followers—serving as his trusted herald and messenger, spinning all of Sauron’s lies into a narrative, deflecting legitimate questions, and of course, circling back later.

“The White House was just a stepping stone for where I wanted to go in my career. I think my work speaks for itself, which is why I was selected personally to serve the Dark Lord himself,” announced Jen Psaki from the Dark Tower. “I will be one of the few servants of Mordor able to communicate directly with Sauron. Yippee!”

“Obfuscating the truth comes naturally for her,” said Gothmang Kurbag, lieutenant of Mordor’s 9th battalion. “It’s not every age of Middle Earth we see someone this talented at spreading disinformation and silencing those who would speak the truth.”

According to sources, Jen Psaki settled into her new role quickly. She was already masterfully pinning the woes of Middle Earth onto the Gondorian Nationalists when confronted at the Black Gate. “My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome. Is there any in this rout with authority to treat with me? Or indeed with wit to understand me?” she said, flashing a brief cruel smile. “Indeed, inflation, soaring oats prices, war, and sickness throughout the land are a direct result of the Dark Lord’s predecessor and his ilk.”

At publishing time, the Mouth of Sauron dismissed Trump’s claims of being the Great MAGA King. She tossed a discarded buffalo hat onto the ground as a token signifying their failure. “Aha, I was bidden to show thee,” she said. “I want you to know he suffered greatly, Donald.”


White House Press Corps Beginning To Suspect Psaki Isn’t Ever Going To Circle Back To Their Questions

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, DC—As White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki departs today for a job at MSNBC, several members of the White House Press Corps expressed concern that she may not be intending to circle back to their questions after all.

According to the Pew Research Center’s Journalism Project, Psaki has promised to “circle back” to journalists’ questions exactly 8,436 times over the last 17 months. Now it appears almost all of those questions will remain mysteriously unanswered.

“Last fall, I asked Jen [Psaki] why thousands of people were still dying of COVID every day after President Biden promised to get the virus under control swiftly,” said Fox news correspondent Peter Doocy. “She promised to circle back to my question and then shared a photo of the Bidens purchasing Girl Scout cookies. And then there was a glint in her eyes and I could tell she totally wanted me and we shared a look of secret understanding. But she never got back to my question!”


White House Announces Jen Psaki Will Be Replaced By Grima Wormtongue

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Jen Psaki has recently announced she will be resigning from her position as White House Press Secretary, immediately sparking discussion of who will replace her. The White House has announced that a last-minute job candidate, Grima Wormtongue, has swooped in, claiming himself to be perfect for the position.

“I have personally been requested by his Lordship—I mean by President Joe Biden to speak on his behalf,” hissed Grima Wormtongue while addressing the press. “I have had many, many conversations with the President so I know his thoughts quite well.”

When Wormtongue was asked basic questions about how Joe Biden planned on addressing today’s current crises he grew frustrated saying, “Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can’t you see President Biden doesn’t have time for such prattle?”

At publishing time, just as Wormtongue was explaining Biden’s plan to do nothing to address inflation, gas prices, and America’s overall decline, he was interrupted by Peter Doocy charging forward. “His microphone! His microphone! I told you to take it from him, you fools! Now he can ask questions his Presidentship wishes not to hear!”

Wormtongue then cleverly deflected the questions by promising to “circle back.”


Propaganda and Evidence, by Patrick Lawrence

There are glimmers that the mainstream press, for reasons not entirely honorable, may be trying to quit being shills for the government. From Patrick Lawrence at consortiumnews.com:

The wall of propaganda that towers over us, resting on an insidious culture of irrationality that has come to suffuse the American polity, is weakening.

Press Secretary Jen Psaki. (Official White House Photo/ Erin Scott)

Finally. Finally our mainstream press and broadcasters show signs of waking up to the cynical, pervasive, propaganda campaign official Washington wages to obscure its imperial pursuits. Finally there is some suggestion—not more—that the mainstream may someday stop participating in the antidemocratic onslaught of lies and subterfuge they have very willingly assisted in inflicting upon us for most of this century.

I refer to two remarkable confrontations between the press and official government spokespeople this past week. At the State Department last Thursday Matt Lee, diplomatic correspondent of The Associated Press ran department spokesman Ned Price straight to the ground on one of the government’s most familiar, most nonsensical tropes: We told you, and telling you is evidence that what we told you is true.

Aboard Air Force One, National Public Radio correspondent Ayesha Rascoe reacted similarly when Jen Psaki, the president’s press secretary, tried on the same ruse in the matter of civilian casualties during the raid Thursday on the Syrian hideout of Abu Ibrahim al–Hashimi al–Qurayshi, the putative head of the Islamic State. What? Do you dare not believe me? the rarely-to-be-believed Psaki asked aggressively.

At last.

Independent media such as Consortium News have waged a battle against the government’s incessant assertions of facts-that-are-not-facts at least since the WMD in Iraq subterfuge and the irruption of the Russiagate fiasco in mid–2016. Last week the leading U.S. wire service and public broadcaster effectively joined in when they questioned official accounts of two key events in the absence of authentic evidence of their veracity.

Let us not read too much into these developments. The AP and NPR have been card-carrying purveyors of liberal authoritarian orthodoxies for a very long time. Demanding evidence to support official assertions of authority on two occasions is hardly an indication of some new determination to reclaim surrendered ground as independent poles of power.

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Jen Psaki Hates You, by Spencer Klavan

Anybody who can stand up there day after day and defend the Biden administration is definitely out of the ordinary. From Spencer Klavan at americanmind.com:

The White House press secretary is a perfect representative of our spiteful ruling class.

Let us now praise Jennifer Rene Psaki—English major, sorority girl, mother of two. Let us praise her seemingly endless supply of monochrome crew-neck blouses and pencil skirts, the way she peels her mask off after striding to the lectern. Jen Psaki has been briefed by her 11 staffers; she has had her coffee (and her bagel, if it’s Wednesday); she is freshly armed with the latest talking points and she is not going to take any of your guff today.

Jen communicates just how on top of things she is by nodding ceaselessly throughout every question, interjecting an “uh-huh” or a “yep” to show she has not been caught off guard since the last clause of the reporter’s sentence. This is a patented bobblehead technique she perfected as a commentator at CNN in between the Obama and Biden Administrations. What she is saying or listening to is less important than what she is communicating with her demeanor at all times: that she is serious, that she is informed, that she is the adult in the room.

We have all met someone who behaves like this: someone who has done the homework and wants you to know it. Someone whose politeness is so aggressive that it can only be read as a kind of challenge. Jen Psaki dares you to find her off-putting. Why would you? She is smiling. She even had a joke written down that she made at the appropriate juncture. See? It says “laughing time” right here in the schedule from 5:01 to 5:03 PM.

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Jen Psaki Banned From Social Media For Spreading Misinformation

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms.

“We take this ban very seriously,” a Biden official said. “Ol’ Jen had an enormous reach online, and our system received so many notifications of misinformation by her that she was automatically removed.”

Psaki now has a lifetime ban on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TiKTok, and even lower traffic sites such as AOL Instant Messenger.  The social media ban is as thorough as it is severe in hopes of teaching others a lesson about spreading misinformation.

Many people were surprised to see the government ban the press secretary, but it seems that even they were fooled by the onslaught of misinformation. They just regret that they didn’t see it and ban her sooner.

“Our algorithms confirmed that Jen Psaki spreads more misinformation in one press conference than most other people do in their entire lives,” said Mark Zuckerberg after he confirmed Facebook would permanently be removing her from the social network. “We expected it to just get far-right QAnon crazies, but the algorithm doesn’t lie. All hail the algorithm!”

“All hail the algorithm!” chanted his army of Facebook interns standing dutifully nearby.