Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed this morning that he’s prepared to remove the Twitter app from the App Store but that he’s waiting for orders from CCP President Xi before he makes a move.

“I never make a business decision without first consulting the great and magnificent President Xi, blessings on his name,” said Cook in a statement. “My company lives to serve the People’s Republic of China and The Chinese Communist Party, and I will resign myself to his divine will.”

“If he gives the order, Twitter will be gone from the App Store.”

Cook emphasized, however, that the popular Chinese spy and child exploitation app TikTok will always have a platform in the App Store. “TikTok is an essential tool for advancing Chinese interests around the world and for protecting my cheap slave labor in the country. It will never be removed.”

Chinese authorities have thanked Cook for his statement and promised to have updated orders for the tech company within a week.

At publishing time, Google claimed they were not beholden to China in any way, but that they would do whatever Apple did.

https://babylonbee.com/news/apple-announces-they-are-prepared-to-pull-twitter-from-app-store-as-soon-as-president-xi-gives-the-order

From The Babylon Bee:

SHANGHAI — According to sources, thousands of right-wing, anti-science extremists have converged in Shanghai to protest Chinese President Xi’s common sense COVID restrictions.

“These science deniers are extremely dangerous,” said CCP Propaganda Minister Yin-Yon Yangalong. “Our benevolent President Xi has locked thousands of people in their homes for several weeks for their own safety. This is a very compassionate and pro-science policy and anyone who questions it is a right-wing bigot.”

The minister went on to explain that thousands have already been saved from COVID as they have starved to death or burned to death locked in their own apartments. “After extensive scientific research, we found that dead people are completely safe from being infected with COVID,” he said, smiling.

Biden has offered his support to protestors in a public statement, saying: “Come on, man! Flarpjack mibbymufflins! Lardledoo!” The administration, however, quietly pledged support for President Xi, promising they would work with tech companies to silence dissent whenever possible.

At publishing time, Canadian PM Trudeau had also offered to help President Xi, citing his experience with trucker protests.

https://babylonbee.com/news/anti-science-right-wingers-protest-common-sense-covid-restrictions

From The Babylon Bee:

BEIJING — This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests. China has doubled down on its “Zero COVID” policy, however, and has tapped Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer to lead its COVID lockdown enforcement measures.

“Michigan’s lockdowns were wonderfully effective in slowing the spread of COVID as well as freedom,” said a Chinese Communist Party spokesman in a statement. “Our shared values with Whitmer, who we have affectionately dubbed the ‘Ice Queen’, make her the ideal candidate to lockdown our citizens under brutal totalitarian rule.”

“Frankly, this woman is a pro.”

Official Chinese government documentation sent an offer letter to Governor Whitmer, which has since leaked. The stipulations include that Governor Whitmer can still return to states like Florida to visit relatives as she did during the height of the pandemic lockdowns. Her job requirements in Beijing will include locking the elderly in their homes, suppressing protest and dissent, and sending lockdown violators to concentration camps.

At publishing time, Whitmer had accepted the offer letter from the Chinese Communist Party and solemnly announced that “all Chinese citizens are equal, but some are more equal than others.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/china-taps-governor-gretchen-whitmer-to-lead-lockdown-enforcement

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — This week, a listing appeared on the classified advertising website Craigslist offering to sell a “lightly used” social network for “$5 OBO.” The listing included a picture of Twitter’s HQ in San Francisco.

“Excellent condition, very low bot count. Interior cleaned recently, includes recently restored free speech,” begins the listing before adding “do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers.” The listing went on to explain the social network’s well-preserved state, detailing the recent work done to improve its quality by removing old, unneeded parts.

“Profitability feature has been tuned up within the last month. New buyer would still inherit some scrapes, dings, and Stephen Kings, but overall still usable. Will take $5 OBO.”

At publishing time, the listing was updated with a price increase from $5 to $8, with a line added to explain that the initial listing of $5 had been a “missed opportunity.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/elon-musk-lists-lightly-used-social-network-on-craigslist-for-5-obo

h/t The Burning Platform

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From The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY — This week, CBS News confirmed that Hunter Biden’s laptop detailing illegal acts, including foreign financial entanglements that involved President Joe Biden, was indeed legitimate. The astute news station has also recognized that the story about Abraham Lincoln being assassinated is credible.

“It can be dangerous to rush to declare a story ‘true’ when it has all the earmarks of Confederate Disinformation,” said CBS News anchor Tony Dokoupil to his viewer this week, defending the outlet’s delay on confirming the veracity of the story. “Confirming a story too soon can mislead people. To keep the public informed, we are proud to have censored the story about Lincoln’s death until a few hundred years – and while it’s no longer relevant and all Lincoln’s grandchildren are dead, we’re glad we waited until we were sure the coast was clear.”

CBS News has put out a press release regarding the timing of their breaking the Lincoln story, adding that waiting to gather all the relevant facts and avoiding jumping to conclusions helps keep the populace informed. “If the story about the 16th President’s death turned out to be a hoax even 100 or 150 years after the fact, it could have unfairly helped Republicans in elections – and this is something our organization is sworn to resist.” The press release ended with a black fist emoji and the hashtag “#Resist” as well, indicating the strength of their resolve.

At publishing time, the story on Lincoln’s death had to be reopened for consideration as CBS received new information that the Democrats needed to prevent him from being labeled as a “martyr” for Republicans. Over 50 intelligence agents have since signed a statement saying the “Assassination From Hell” story is likely disinformation. Discussing it has already been banned on all social media platforms except Twitter and Truth Social.

https://babylonbee.com/news/cbs-news-officially-confirms-that-lincoln-has-been-shot

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a break from a long-standing tradition, the White House announced that this year’s Thanksgiving turkey would not receive a ceremonial pardon from President Joe Biden after it was discovered that the turkey had attended the riot at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021.

“The turkey we had chosen for the occasion has been determined to be completely undeserving of a pardon,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in a media briefing. “The President was very eager to bestow a pardon, but unfortunately, it came to our attention that this turkey participated in the violent attack on the Capitol that attempted to overthrow the government and destroy democracy itself.”

The turkey has been returned to police custody.

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From The Babylon Bee:

WORLD — Thirteen billion people have already died horrible deaths mere hours after former President Donald Trump was reinstated to Twitter.

“We should have seen this coming,” said a distraught Elon Musk, surveying the killing fields. “The liberals, they tried to warn me – but I just wouldn’t listen! Oh, curse the day that I started reading that dastardly Babylon Bee!”

Just as Democrats predicted, the entire earth descended into chaos and violence within mere seconds of Trump’s account being restored. “The barbarity unleashed by President Trump posting words on a website has literally killed every human on earth and then killed billions of them again,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I myself have already died seventeen times from Trump’s tweets. Oh no, there’s another notification from Twitter! Goodbye, cruel world!”

As the world burned to ashes, Mr. Trump continued to steadfastly tweet through it all. “Wow! Best apocalypse going on, maybe EVER! I’d like to see SLEEPY JOE start an armageddon like this!!” posted Mr. Trump. “Rest assured your FAVORITE PRESIDENT will be ready to Make America Great Again when the nuclear covfefe has settled!!”

At publishing time, Mr. Trump had called for an end to the violence, directly causing another billion people to die.

https://babylonbee.com/news/13-billion-dead-after-trump-unbanned-from-twitter