Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

 

DOHA, QATAR — In a move that quickly received international backlash, the World Cup host country of Qatar has banned the sale of beer in or near arenas where matches will be played. With beer sales outlawed, the World Cup’s estimated 1 million attendees will be forced to just sit there and watch soccer.

FIFA organizers responded to Qatar’s alcohol ban by flopping onto the ground and screaming as if gravely injured.

“What’s the point of watching soccer if you can’t get plastered enough to not have to watch soccer?” Asked FIFA president Gianni Infantino who, moments earlier had been writhing on the ground in mortal agony. “This is asking too much of FIFA, the teams, the ‘athletes,’ and all of our fans of the sport.”

Long-time FIFA sponsor, Budweiser, expressed regret at not being a vital part of soccer’s tradition of fans getting blindly drunk and fighting one another rather than watching an incredibly dull, tedious sport.

Qatar has already been threatened with a boycott by other sports organizations that rely wholly on beer to prevent fans from having to watch, including baseball, cricket, lacrosse, and basketball when it’s the Lakers.

At publishing time, the U.S. had won the bid to host the next World Cup with its popular proposal that every match require beer and ban soccer.

https://babylonbee.com/news/with-beer-sales-outlawed-world-cup-attendees-forced-to-watch-soccer

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Respect for Marriage Act, which legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide, is expected to pass Congress. Sources now say one of the main drivers for its success is the additional $50 billion it authorized for the war effort in Ukraine.

“This act finally gives equal rights to those who want to marry someone of the same sex, or maybe a small forest creature, or possibly a video game character. It’s all the same!” said Senator Chuck Schumer after the bill passed committee. “Also this bill provides essential funds for us to launder in Ukraine to fund our reelection campaigns, which is what this is really all about.”

The bill is expected to fund essential proxy-war efforts against Russia while funding defense contractors, lobbyists, and super-PACs, who will ensure Democrats get elected, so that defense contractors, lobbyists, and super-PACs will get the funding they need to elect more Democrats.

“We are proud to be taking this stand for human rights,” said Republican and Democrat leaders in Congress. “Yeah. Rights and stuff. That’s what we’re all about. Of course. Yeah. Totally.”

At publishing time, it had also been revealed the bill contained funding to provide abortions for poor people in Sub-Saharan Africa.

https://babylonbee.com/news/respect-for-marriage-act-to-send-another-50-billion-to-ukraine

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.

“Huh. It’s gotta be around here somewhere,” said the confused 2nd shift Burrito Assembly Specialist as he looked around the facility. “I hope I find it soon because that last order was very, very stressful.”

Sources say the man previously held a prestigious position at Twitter as an Assistant Algorithmic Diversity Intervention and Sensitivity Coordinator making $238,000 per year. He also enjoyed free food, unlimited naps, and the use of 42 conveniently placed “quiet rooms” for transcendental meditation between meetings.

“Hey guuuuuuuys, where do I go to meditate around here?” he said to his confused coworkers before slipping in a puddle of nacho cheese and collapsing on the floor in a fit of sobs. His shift manager then kindly informed him that he could meditate in the cooler for a few minutes as long as he brought back 3 bags of shredded lettuce.

At publishing time, the man had been fired after insulting his shift manager on Twitter.

https://babylonbee.com/news/former-twitter-employee-cant-seem-to-find-meditation-room-at-new-taco-bell-job

From The Babylon Bee:

PHOENIX, AZ — After finally tallying the votes from Maricopa County, Arizona has announced that Calvin Coolidge has narrowly defeated John Davis for its three electoral votes.

“We are finally ready for the big announcement,” said Election Chairman Bill Gates. “I know the rest of the country has been patiently waiting. We are thrilled to announce that every vote in the 1924 Presidential election has at last been tallied, with Mr. Calvin Coolidge now set to receive all three electoral votes posthumously!”

Though happy to hear about Mr. Coolidge’s victory, the remainder of America has continued to ask when we might know the results of the most recent election. “We do recognize that the slight delay in certifying our vote is not entirely ideal, since Mr. Coolidge apparently died back in 1933,” said Arizona Secretary of State Ms. Hobbs. “However, we stand by our practice of locking every ballot away in a cellar for thirty years and then asking a drunk raccoon to count the votes. It has worked so well in the past, we see no reason to change now.”

According to sources, Ms. Hobbs periodically replaces the drunk raccoon by catching one in her backyard and then steadily introducing Jim Beam into its diet. “People act like I’m so lazy, but this system takes a tremendous amount of work,” stated Ms. Hobbs. “Everyone needs to spend a few days trying to teach a raccoon to shoot whiskey before they come at me with all their criticism.”

At publishing time, Arizona posted an update that Dewey actually defeated Truman in the infamous 1948 election.

https://babylonbee.com/news/arizona-announces-they-have-finished-counting-and-calvin-coolidge-has-won-their-3-electoral-votes

From The Babylon Bee:

TALLAHASSEE, FL — The 2022 midterm elections ended with a heap of disappointments and shattered expectations for the Republican party. As the nation waits patiently for final tallies to trickle in and determine party power, one thing is for certain: Florida governor Ron DeSantis selfishly hoarded the entire red wave for himself.

GOP insiders are livid at DeSantis, claiming there was plenty of red wave to go around.

“While we’re glad to see DeSantis win Florida, it’s obvious he didn’t need the whole batch of red wave to get the job done,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the GOP puppetmaster adept at appearing to do nothing for the Republican party while working tirelessly behind the scenes to actually do nothing. “We could have used some of the stuff in Georgia, Nevada, and Arizona. Did we get any? Nope.”

Donald Trump has appeared unphased by his young rival’s selfish stockpiling of precious red wave, an act that purportedly made the 45th president’s handpicked MAGA candidates look like incompetent morons, costing the party vital seats in the House and Senate. To demonstrate how unfettered he was by DeSantis, Trump went to TRUTH Social and Truthed, “Little Ronnie DeSelfish won’t know what hit him when I very soon will reveal a redder, wavier wave, bigger than any wave that’s ever waved. Huge wave. Huge, red wave!”

At publishing time, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy was seen at the front door of the Florida Governor’s home, begging for just a little red wave.

https://babylonbee.com/news/selfish-desantis-takes-entire-red-wave-for-himself

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Americans are doing lots of soul-searching after the midterms. According to reports, many are not sure if they want to be the kind of people who support a party running brain-damaged politicians or a party that loses to brain-damaged politicians.

“I mean, clearly the stroke victim is unfit for office, but if you can’t beat him then doesn’t that make you unfit for office?” wondered undecided voter Carl Weaver to himself as he saw election results. “And what kind of a party would dare run someone like that? Or dare lose to someone like that? Have they no shame?”

According to Google, searches have spiked since the election for things like “competent, coherent politicians in my state” as well as “what party runs candidates without mental handicaps, while simultaneously being more appealing than someone with a mental handicap?” So far, search results have come back empty, except for those users who live in Florida.

At publishing time, Carl decided he would just take option 3 and vote Independent, but he soon realized that all those candidates are both brain-damaged and unable to beat brain-damaged candidates.

https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-unsure-whether-to-support-party-that-runs-brain-damaged-candidates-and-party-that-loses-to-brain-damaged-candidates