Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

PARIS — According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.

“The painting in question, Number 31, was one of the most celebrated Pollock works,” said an authority investigating the crime. “But now it just looks like a bunch of splattered paint any moron could create, which really isn’t much different than how it looked before.”

The vandals were caught on camera but the destruction of the priceless painting was not discovered until weeks after, as the original painting was already terrible to begin with. The damage was discovered only after museum visitors complained that the poster prints they bought did not match the one on display.

“Some kids were screaming at people next to [the painting] but that’s not too unusual. Everyone in France yells,” said security guard Gérard Dupont. “But on closer inspection, I saw they had a bucket of green paint! That’s a big no-no in any art museum so I kicked them out and saved the painting.”

“At least I’m pretty sure I did. Did it always look so weird?”

The painting was vandalized by climate activists in what inspectors believe was a concerted effort to spread awareness for solar energy.

At publishing time, the restoration of Number 31 was scrapped after museum patrons found the vandalism an improvement over the original.

https://babylonbee.com/news/sad-climate-activists-vandalize-a-picasso-but-no-one-can-tell

From The Babylon Bee:

AUSTIN, TX — In a landslide victory during a special statewide referendum this week, Texans overwhelmingly voted to have a giant airship pick up Austin via tow cables and drop the city off in California.

As the city is mostly inhabited by Californians who left their state due to the cost of living, high taxes, and crime – and then proceeded to vote for the same policies in Texas – the move is just “setting things right” by sending immigrants from the Golden State “back where they belong,” according to the bill’s sponsors.

The act took effect immediately, and a massive, lumbering dirigible slowly crawled over the city, its ominous shadow eclipsing the coffee shops, microbreweries, and vegan hemp handbag stores below. Liberals screamed and attempted to flee, but it was too late. Harpoon cannons blasted massive steel cables into the Pennybacker Bridge, the Independent skyscraper, and various other anchor points throughout the city. The airship then rose into the sky, lifting the city along with millions of Austin progressives thousands of feet into the air.

“Oh no!” cried recent Texas transplants Timpani and Steve Strudelfudd as the ground shook and they nearly fell off their electric scooters in downtown Austin. “This is, like, totally, like, one of those earthquake things from back home! Hold onto your lattes!”

The city was safely transported back to California and dropped off in a nice rural area north of Santa Clarita. Texas is once again safely red, and many Austin residents reportedly don’t even realize they’ve been transported to California.

As for any progressive transplants still living in Texas, Governor Abbott has vowed to continue secret midnight flights of these liberals back to their home countries of California, Washington, and Oregon.

https://babylonbee.com/news/texas-votes-to-airlift-austin-to-california

h/t The Burning Platform

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From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C — In a recent interview with CNN’s Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be “very slight.”

“Look folks, here’s the deal. I don’t think there will be a nuclear war with Russia. But if it is, it’ll be very a very slight one,” said President Joe Biden. “It’ll be just a mild armageddon, nothing more.”

As the broadcast continued, Jake Tapper nodded calmly before staring blankly into the distance, trying to register that the world may or may not be on the brink of a thermonuclear war. “They look at these things 6 months out you know. Every 6 months they speculate!” said President Biden breaking the silence. “Just because they say in the next 6 months a couple million people MIGHT get nuked, everyone panics?”

Biden continued, “Now look, even if a few nukes did start flying — and there’s only a minuscule chance of this — this is not going to be some drawn-out thing. It will be over in a flash! A blink of the eye and it’s all over! Come on, man!”

At publishing time, Jake Taper tried to steer the question away from nuclear war to discuss the President’s strong mental health. President Biden replied by stating that he doesn’t think he has dementia, but if he does it’s only a slight case.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-admits-we-may-have-a-very-slight-nuclear-war

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard caused ripples in American politics Monday with the announcement that she is leaving the Democratic party. With this news, the title of hottest Democrat goes back to Nancy Pelosi.

Before Gabbard entered the political fray in 2002, Nancy Pelosi reigned as the best-looking Democrat for decades, causing heads to turn on both sides of the aisle. With the introduction of Tulsi Gabbard, who is thought by many to be the most beautiful politician in history, Pelosi’s long-standing title was stripped away.

“Nancy Pelosi was always a close second in hotness to Tulsi Gabbard,” said Senate Majority Leader and sexiest male Democrat by unanimous vote, Chuck Schumer. “Some of us believe Pelosi to be even hotter, but we never had the grassroots votes to get her to the top of the podium.”

Not all agree that politicians should be judged and ranked by their looks alone. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, for instance, argued: “Some of us aren’t blessed with jaw-dropping looks like Pelosi, but we make up for it with elephantine intelligence. That should count for something.”

At publishing time, Democrats announced plans to celebrate the Speaker of the House’s return to the top of the hot list with the 2023 Nancy Pelosi Commemorative Swimsuit Calendar.

https://babylonbee.com/news/with-tulsi-gabbard-out-of-democratic-party-title-of-hottest-democrat-goes-back-to-nancy-pelosi

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — In a recent speech, President Biden was quoted as saying “folks, two words: made in America.” The internationally respected and trusted fact-checking organization Politifact examined Biden’s statement that the phrase “made in America” was only two words and rated it “mostly true.”

“While it is technically true that the phrase ‘made in America’ is 3 words, it’s important to realize that 3 is only one number away from 2,” said the piece. “One number away isn’t that much. It’s only a difference of 1. Therefore, we rate President Biden’s claim as mostly true.”

That didn’t stop conservatives from pouncing on what they perceived as being a gaffe. “Look at Biden on stage, the dude’s not even there,” said Congressman Ted Cruz. “He babbles nonsensical, untrue things constantly! He has no business leading the country!”

Snopes then rated Ted Cruz’s statements as “false,” based on Politifact’s fact check of Biden.

https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-fact-checks-bidens-claim-that-made-in-america-is-two-words-as-mostly-true

h/t The Burning Platform