Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Only hours after officially taking over Twitter, Elon Musk has taken action on firing underperforming employees. After reviewing the metrics on individual employee productivity, Musk abruptly fired 3,200 Twitter team members and replaced them with Amar.

“Amar is a hardworking immigrant from India who can easily do the work of 3,200 Silicon Valley millennials,” said Musk. “Once we filtered out all the breaks for meditation, wine-on-tap, matcha sipping, shuffleboard, and corn-hole, we discovered that these employees could all be replaced with Amar, who will outperform all 3,200 of these employees by at least 9%.”

Amar’s resume includes a steady stream of success at several call centers in Mumbai, and since his start date on Monday, he has already outworked 2,973 of the employees in weekly productivity. Sources say he works 18 hours per day, sleeps at the office, and takes baths in the bathroom sink, all of which he says are much better working conditions than where he came from.

At publishing time, Twitter employees had announced they all found jobs working for the DNC in Washington, D.C.

https://babylonbee.com/news/elon-to-replace-3200-twitter-employees-with-one-hardworking-immigrant-from-india

h/t The Burning Platform

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the 2022 midterms just around the corner, Democrat lawmakers have formed the “United States House Select Committee to Investigate Who Did All Those Lockdowns and Vaccine Mandates” in hopes of finding out just who was behind all of those school closures, mask mandates, arrests, and egregious abuses of civil rights.

“Despite the scant evidence pointing to any one political party as being at fault for enforcing harmful lockdowns and mandates,” said Committee Chair Nancy Pelosi while wearing three masks and a solid gold commemorative pin celebrating her vaccine status. “This committee pledges to leave no stone unturned in its investigation.”

Pelosi added that, while much anecdotal evidence points to Republicans being the source of damaging lockdown policies, “We may, in fact, never know who is truly to blame for the untold injuries brought upon the American people.”

The committee began its investigation by issuing subpoenas to Senators Ron Johnson, Rand Paul, and other lawmakers who, according to CNN and MSNBC, were pro-lockdown from the start.

At publishing time, the committee announced the results of their thorough investigation: It was Ron DeSantis all along.

https://www.theburningplatform.com/2022/10/09/sunday-morning-classics-on-tbp-137/

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made last week as Dylan Mulvaney, a pretend woman, sat down in a one-hour Now This News special with Joe Biden, a pretend president.

“OMG OMG OMG Mr. President, how aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrree you? EEEEEEEEEE!” said pretend woman Mulvaney in a perfect impression of a totally normal woman. “I’m so, so, so, so, so, so excited to talk to you about important issues concerning very, very young little girls just like me!”

“That’s right,” replied Biden. “I’m not even being facetious here. Not a joke. For real. Annie Oakley.”

Aides then poked the pretend president with their handy cattle prod, as he was pretending to be awake.

The pair then talked at length about the issues most important to everyday American voters, such as letting biological men use girls’ bathrooms, offering unrestricted and free abortions for pregnant men, and outlawing guns.

At publishing time, Mulvaney had told reporters he was happy to interview the President but was extremely disappointed Biden never leaned in to sniff his little girl hair.

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-pretending-to-be-woman-visits-man-pretending-to-be-president

From The Babylon Bee:

LOS ANGELES, CA — Climate advocates around the world are gluing themselves to various things to protest oil companies and other contributors to climate change. The latest celebrity to join the craze is Leonardo DiCaprio, who is making a powerful statement by gluing his own hand to his face.

“When I really thought about it, I realized one of the greatest contributors to global climate change was myself,” said DiCaprio from his 1500-foot coal-powered flying yacht. “That’s why I am taking a stand against myself and demanding that I decrease my utterly obscene carbon footprint! Shame on me!”

DiCaprio then applied a generous amount of permanent epoxy to his right hand and slapped himself in the face.

“I will not remove this hand until I have met my demands for climate justice,” he said indignantly.

Americans largely supported the heroic gesture by DiCaprio, and are encouraging as many Hollywood stars as possible to glue their hands to their faces as well — preferably over their mouths.

At publishing time, DiCaprio had announced he would also be protesting human trafficking by gluing his other hand to his 16-year-old girlfriend.

https://babylonbee.com/news/leonardo-dicaprio-protests-climate-change-by-gluing-self-to-self

From The Babylon Bee:

LONDON — Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss’s resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.

“This is just the latest domino to fall in our ongoing fight against the global patriarchy,” said Jill Jakenhaal (she/her), chairperson of the London chapter of Women Against Everything. “We can now be proud that the fastest failure by a Prime Minister was accomplished not by a man — by a woman! Take that, male oppressors!”

Celebrations for Truss’s embarrassing place in history were already underway, with parades full of women in pink knit hats being planned for the coming days in major cities around the world. Witnesses to the celebrations in the streets were somewhat confused, however. “Doesn’t this kind of highlight a woman totally crashing and burning in a leadership position?” asked bystander Paul Bridgewater. “I don’t know that holding the record for earliest resignation is something to boast about.”

“You’re just jealous!” Jakenhaal shouted back to Bridgewater. “You men want to have everything to yourself and keep everyone else out. Well, not anymore! We’re going to put the names of women in the record books for everything — worst leaders, lowest test scores, everything!”

At publishing time, feminists were already anticipating the grand men-hating celebrations that would surely be held to commemorate Jill Biden cementing her place in history as Most Underachieving First Lady.

https://babylonbee.com/news/feminists-rejoice-as-record-for-shortest-term-as-prime-minister-now-held-by-a-woman

From The Babylon Bee:

NAIROBI — As the movement for greater diversity in sports continues to sweep the globe, the famed Kenyan marathon team has come under fire with experts sounding the alarm over the team’s glaring lack of racial diversity.

“As we scoured every corner of the world to find things to be offended by, the Kenyan marathon team stuck out like a sore thumb,” said Adam Baum, Director of Cultural Outrage at Oxford. “The demographics of the team are truly stunning and, quite frankly, I have difficulty talking about it without shaking with righteous social justice rage.”

Though diversity throughout the sporting world has been a focus for a number of years, being accused of discrimination is a new experience for the highly decorated Kenyan marathon runners.

“We’re not particularly sure what we are supposed to do about this,” said Odikinyi Mwangi, Hall of Fame marathon runner and current coach of the Kenyan team. “I mean, we kind of have to work with what we’ve got here in Kenya, right? There aren’t exactly a lot of caucasian guys named Steve here in our country.”

The critics were not satisfied by Mwangi’s argument. “That’s such a convenient excuse people try to make,” Baum said in reply to Mwangi’s comments. “We don’t want to hear about logic, population percentages, or any other fact-based arguments. Give in to what we want or we’ll just call you bigots and cancel you.”

At publishing time, the uproar had only intensified after it was pointed out that no Kenyan tribal leadership positions were currently held by bisexual transgender Latinx.

https://babylonbee.com/news/experts-decry-shocking-lack-of-diversity-on-kenyan-marathon-team

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Interest in Drag Queen Story Hour has declined drastically across the country after several libraries chose to more accurately name them “Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour.”

“We are absolutely baffled as to why no one wants to come to ‘Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour’ all of a sudden,” said Brandie Schmuts, a former Drag Queen Story Hour host. “Just yesterday we were told how brave, beautiful and important it is to spend quality time with small children at libraries, and now we aren’t invited anywhere. What gives?”

According to sources, local parents have expressed their concerns and hesitancy to support these story hours after suddenly realizing they involve grown men in lingerie spending time with little kids. “My eyes are opened,” said concerned parent Hank Richards. “My alarm bells started going off when the library changed the name of this event. It seems super creepy now.”

“We’re still out here doing the same thing we’ve always done,” continued Brandie Schmuts. “We’re getting a bunch of men to dress up in skimpy, sexualized women’s clothing to share with the most innocent, young, and impressionable minds why half-naked grown men speaking to children is a good thing, actually.”

At publishing time, the Drag Queens tried switching their story hour name again to either “Grown-Men-In-Thongs-Twerk-For-Justice-On-Your-Kids Hour’ or “Confused-Men-Sexually-Confuse-And-Scar-Your-Children-For-Life Hour,” but everyone was still too bigoted to let them within 500 yards of the schools.

https://babylonbee.com/news/interest-in-drag-queen-story-hours-wanes-after-theyre-renamed-more-accurate-man-wearing-lingerie-wants-to-spend-time-with-your-kids-hour