Tag Archives: CNN

From The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA—CNN executives were baffled by a large crowd outside their offices and in their lobby Friday, not having seen an audience that size in many years.

Execs quickly added the hundreds of people outside their offices to their audience numbers, more than doubling their ratings for the day.

“Woohoo! It’s happening!” said the station’s founder, Bob CNN. “Brian! Anderson! Come quick! We’re finally drawing crowds! Years of hard work finally paying off!”

Peering out the window, Brian Stelter muttered, “No social distancing or masks though. But we’ll take what we can get at this point.”

Mr. CNN then walked through the lobby handing out fliers inviting the protesters back to watch CNN’s failing weekend shows Saturday and Sunday. “This is where it all turns around for us.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-draws-largest-crowd-in-years

WORLD—Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.

For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you’re waiting for your flight, leaving you with the “far superior” experience of just staring at a blank screen.

“At long last,” said one man waiting for his flight at LaGuardia as he dropped a few dollars’ worth of quarters into the “Turn CNN Off” slot. “Honestly, I might fly more now.” He’s not alone: airports expect a 426% uptick in traveling over the holidays as flyers no longer have to worry about having the droning words of CNN hosts pounded into their heads for hours on a layover.

The feature has been one of the most-requested by travelers along with the dismantling of the TSA and pretzel bags with more than 3 pretzels in them.

The money-making move has inspired moments of human compassion and unity as travelers lend each other money or leave quarters behind atop the television sets for future travelers to turn off CNN. One anonymous philanthropist at DFW prepaid for over a year of CNN-less travel throughout the terminal.

“It’s great to see what humanity can accomplish when we unite,” said one man at LAX as he rummaged through his pockets to lend a quarter to a woman who wanted to turn off the CNN screen near her. “Here you go, miss. Enjoy your flight!”

CNN is protesting the move, saying it has cut their viewing audience in half, leaving them with just one.

A similar program is being rolled out in hospital waiting rooms throughout the country.