From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fears are growing throughout the nation’s capital as record numbers of voters are turning out to polling stations across the country in an effort to end democracy as we know it. Leaders of both parties have been conducting closed-door meetings to determine what should be done.

“In a nation built on democracy, we simply cannot afford to have this many people making their voices heard in a democratic fashion,” said one high-ranking member of Congress under the condition of anonymity. “If we let everyone in the country legally vote to choose the nation’s leadership, democracy itself may be lost forever. Democracy!”

In order to calm the intense waves of voter turnout, plans were being hatched and put into motion from coast to coast. While vote tabulating machines in Maricopa County, Arizona were being commanded to malfunction and voters in Michigan were being informed that they had already voted, other potential schemes were rumored to involve blaring Nickelback at polling locations and even unleashing hatchet-wielding badgers in major urban centers.

“We’ll do anything to make sure people stop exercising their right to vote,” another Congressional staffer said. “Just think — if record numbers of people were to actually vote, our entire democratic process would collapse in on itself. Things might actually change, and we can’t have that!”

At publishing time, calls had already been made to Dr. Anthony Fauci and the NIH to fast-track the release of their newest deadly virus with the hope that a new global pandemic might save democracy as we know it.

https://babylonbee.com/news/record-numbers-of-voters-show-up-to-end-democracy

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Twitter headquarters has erupted into chaos as workers are now being expected to do actual work at their jobs, insiders reveal.

“If you want a job here you need to actually do something,” said Twitter’s eccentric new CEO Elon Musk to the despair of everyone present. “I think that’s reasonable. Hey — where is everyone going?”

Several Twitter employees reached out to give more details. “How am I supposed to do actual work when I’m a neurodivergent furry with a debilitating anxiety disorder?” said Baron Wally, a master programmer who automated himself out of any responsibility. “If I’m fired, where will I spend my days drinking wine and playing hacky sack? This is inhumane!”

“We’re in a real pickle,” admits Donna Billings, Twitter’s Supervisor of Human Resources. “Most of us don’t even have job titles, per se. We just sort of hang around and get upset about politics. Now we have nowhere to go!”

Many employees, who reportedly have salaries in excess of $150,000 a year, have shared that they don’t even remember what they were hired to do in the first place.

“I know I used to do something,” said Jennifer DeMole. “I mean, I use Twitter. That’s kind of like a job. I do lots of activist posting where I punch up at rich white men. That’s important.”

At publishing time, the remaining employees quit after Elon Musk gave everyone a MyPillow and asked them to sleep in the office for the next month.

https://babylonbee.com/news/twitter-employees-devastated-to-learn-their-new-boss-expects-them-to-do-actual-work-at-their-jobs

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, DC — As the date of next week’s midterm elections approaches, President Joe Biden used his Wednesday night address to warn everyone that the results may not immediately be known because it may take several days for enough Democrat votes to be harvested and double-counted.

“Despite the fact that third-world countries around the globe are capable of tallying their votes on the same day as their elections, it’s simply not realistic to expect that from the world’s most technologically advanced nation,” Biden shouted with an unnecessary amount of anger to the assembled crowd made up entirely of White House staffers and the media. “Folks, we’ve got to take our time, find out how far behind we are, and wait for the unmarked vans carrying bags full of ballots to arrive in the middle of the night. Then we gotta find out how many times we have to count each ballot. Tomato soup.”

As First Lady Jill Biden and Secret Service agents quickly grabbed the President and pulled him away from the podium, White House spokesperson Holly Caust provided the media with a backtracking statement. “What the President was actually trying to say is that we will make sure our democratic process plays out in its entirety without anyone’s right to vote being suppressed. There’s simply no time limit on counting votes, even if various state laws clearly state otherwise.”

At publishing time, Democrat operatives across the country were continuing to stock up on snacks and making sure the voting machines at polling stations were successfully connected to the internet in preparation for next week’s marathon vote-manufacturing sessions.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-says-it-may-take-days-for-democrat-votes-to-be-harvested

Zenith Class Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch – Only $95,000

David Smith, Deity
5.0 out of 5 stars – I regret not getting this sooner

I remember the day I received this watch.

The moment I clicked the “Confirm Purchase” button, a celestial light bled through the cloudy skies and swept through my duplex. I heard heaven’s voice. My ragged bathrobe and spaghetti sauce laden wife-beater undershirt instantly metamorphosed into an elegant, untouched, and fully tailored tuxedo: a gold-lined cummerbund, 42-carat diamond cufflinks, and a coat that was laced from the pubic ass-hairs of Zeus himself, still odored from the blood of his enemies. My Ikea chair began evolving into a throne – carved by Jesus himself and lumbered from the woods of Narnia – as my hair turned into platinum locks, so lustrous, elegant, and untamed that a jealous and envious Samson would have chosen me over Delilah. I felt like a deity. But it did not end there.

My doorbell rang; I noticed the sound had changed from the hackneyed, generic tritone noise into a cathedral choir of a thousand virgin women singing in harmony to announce the arrival of my watch. I quivered in fear of the presence of such a thing. But alas, I marched onward as each of my steps left a silver-lined footprint on my now diamond-tiled floor. My hands shook and my palms ached as I felt the sweat drip down my nose and onto the floor only to see the perspiration alchemize into liquid gold on my floor. I opened the door and there it was:

The delivery man was fully nude, modeling in a contrapposto fashion – he was engulfed with a halo of warmth and handed me the package. His voice was near orgasmic as I listened to him say: “Sign here, please”. I shuddered in awe as I took the emerald pen and signed my signature with ink from the blood of a unicorn. He vanished in a slow cloud of menthol with a hint of nectar vapor.

I took the package to my now 50-foot dining table and examined it.

The box had a superficial wrapping made from what I could only guess to be the golden fleece, procured from the winged ram of Ancient Greece. I untied the silk bows and unraveled the package and opened the box to discover the watch. The experience was ineffable.

When I laid eyes on the watch, I instantly saw into the eleven theorized dimensions of spacetime. I saw past, future, present, and everything in between. I knew the reasons for everything and knew the reasons to come. String theory was simple arithmetic to me and all the mysteries of life and existence embodied the slow, ticking hands of the watch. I strapped on the watch to my left hand and instantly became ambidextrous. It seared into my skin and it was then that I felt the rush of purity. My diabetes, hepatitis, and hypertension washed away from me. Cancer cells were eradicated from my anatomy and the concept of aging was a thing of the past. My saliva tasted of sweet syrup and nectar. I bled liquid fire. I had obtained immortality.

I must end my review here for I have seen the deterministic events that will entail with the divulging of any further information.

Cal
3.0 out of 5 stars – It ain’t a Timex, but it’ll do

Take it from me, if you’re an underwater welder, don’t wear this sucker to work. It didn’t last 45 seconds at 400 feet laying a bead on that wellhead. But the warranty is good, as is the service at Zenith(still can’t figure out why that dude was crying…it’s just a watch)and they sent me another one in 2 days. And that David Smith guy that reviewed this thing? He must have Amazon Prime or something because my delivery experience wasn’t ANYTHING like his. Although I have to say I appreciated that Zenith sent out the Victoria’s Secret models to deliver it(they are a swell bunch of girls). Don’t get me wrong, I think this watch is great for fancy occasions like beers and karaoke, but whatever you do, don’t spill any kind of liquor on that gator watch band! That thing will smell like a skunk caught in a semi’s radiator!

Eric
4.0 out of 5 stars – Its OK

I got this watch as a small Christmas gift. I liked it but didn’t love it, so I returned it and bought a modest house instead.

Bigdaddy3
2.0 out of 5 stars – Shop around

It is always best to shop around. I saw this same watch on Overstock.com for $85,000.00 The extra $1000.00 I spent on a pair of shoes.

G. Dodge
4.0 out of 5 stars – The Free Shipping Sealed the Deal on a New Me

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — As Republicans continue to expand their leads in polling across the country, Democrats are worried that the leads may soon grow beyond the normal margin of Democrat cheating.

“Yeah, normally our big-city vote harvesting machines and slimy election procedures are good for a bump of a few percentage points, but Republican poll numbers may have even grown beyond that,” said a visibly nervous DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, (they/them). “I don’t understand why people care more about feeding their kids than they do about voting in literal mega-MAGA, far-right, Nazi, alt-right, white supremacist, Nazi, fascist-adjacent Nazis. It could be the end of democracy!”

DNC operatives are hoping to close the gap by promising free abortions and gender-affirming care, as well as by sending tons of unsolicited emails to millions of voters begging for more money to save Nancy Pelosi’s job.

Democrats warn that if Republicans gain control of Congress, it will be the end of democracy until the next election in 2024.

At publishing time, Republicans had gone up another 7 points nationally.

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-worried-republicans-may-take-lead-beyond-margin-of-cheating

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Amid shocking leaks that showed the Department of Homeland Security colluded with tech companies to suppress speech they disagreed with, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas has doubled down, promising to suppress as much speech as it takes to preserve democracy.

“As everyone knows, democracy is when Democrats hold unlimited power, and today that sacred foundation of our country is under attack from free speech,” said Mayorkas from a massive television screen being played in the town square before an assembly of glassy-eyed citizens in identical grey jumpsuits. “We will not tire of protecting our country from violent threats such as speech, opinions, people saying stuff, and bad inward thoughts that poison the mind against your benevolent overlords. I love democracy!”

Democracy experts warn that democracy is under threat like never before as millions are being allowed to say whatever they want to each other without trusted fact-checkers supervising their every word. Said experts are recommending greater powers be given to the Department of Homeland Security to address this growing threat.

At publishing time, the DHS had coordinated with Facebook to remove a meme that reminds people of how Mayorkas looks somewhat like a large pink toad.

https://babylonbee.com/news/DHS-announces-they-will-suppress-as-much-speech-as-it-takes-to-preserve-democracy

From The Babylon Bee:

LEHI, UT — A local attorney specializing in heated, bitter divorces has seen his business thrive since he set up shop at the exit of his local IKEA store. This convenient location has provided him with a plethora of couples who had been happily married before entering the store, but were now more than ready to throw in the VÅGSJÖN™ bath towel.

“Business is really booming now,” said divorce attorney Rubert Splitzman, Esq., while sitting behind an AARDVÄARM™ desk which he had purchased and assembled himself. “I’m getting way more clients than when I was parked at the exit of Costco every Saturday.”

A spokesperson for IKEA expressed frustration with Splitzman’s enterprise, stating security had been called twice to remove him from the premises, as the long line of couples fighting over KALLAX™ shelves and OBEGRÄNSAD™ lamps had blocked the exit.

“I thought she was my soulmate,” said one husband waiting in line to see Splitzman and staring forlornly at a cart piled with 17 heavy boxes that consisted of the BESTÅ™ storage system. “The old witch can find some other dupe to spend days in a frickin’ maze, then weeks assembling it incorrectly.”

At publishing time, another enterprising businessman had set up a drive-thru payday loan center near the entrance to a local gas station.

https://babylonbee.com/news/divorce-attorney-conveniently-located-at-ikea-exit

From The Babylon Bee:

I cannot believe democracy is about to die in America, again.

After years of living under a dictatorship, America rose from the ashes. Democrats took control of the Presidency, the House, the Senate, the university system, Big Tech, the entertainment industry, and major corporations – and thereby defeated fascism by seizing every major lever of power in the nation. With one-party rule established, and all of our critics silenced, democracy was once again free to flourish.

Now, our dear democracy is under attack – by America holding a so-called ‘election’ and allowing idiots to vote. Let us be clear about what the stakes are: if a single person I disagree with is elected in a free and fair election, democracy will be DEAD. If citizens have the power to simply vote the ruling party out of power – when I really like the current ruling party – all is lost.

We must, at all costs, ensure that one party has absolute TOTAL control. That is the only way to defeat fascism! Or have you not heard from Hillary Clinton – rightful winner of the stolen 2016 election – that if you elect Republicans, they will then refuse to concede that they have lost?

These are frightening times. We have evil billionaires threatening to let Republicans speak out loud, Latinx people using the word ‘Latina’, and imbecilic citizens wanting to afford food and gas. Listen closely: dying from starvation is but a small price to pay to ensure that a Republican is never elected. If we do not stand up right now to ensure that the ruling party can never again be removed from power – well, there won’t be an America left for the kids that I don’t have.

https://babylonbee.com/news/citizens-being-able-to-vote-the-ruling-party-out-of-power-is-the-end-of-democracy—op-ed-by-garth-struddelfudd

From The Babylon Bee:

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk acquiring Twitter, many heartbroken Leftists expressed concern they may soon have to resort to just not reading tweets they don’t like.

“Now that Elon Musk is in charge, I am being reduced to pre-Industrial-Revolution extremes – not reading material that bothers me,” said avid Twitter user @ImpeachIndictTraitorTrump45. “I may have to leave Twitter for Canadian Twitter. Is Canadian Twitter a thing?”

Advanced research from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has identified the “You Don’t Have To Read It Then!” method as far back as preliterate cultures, where town criers could be ignored with wax stuffed in ears. The research identifies the invention of Gutenberg’s printing press in the 1440s as a turning point for ease-of-disregarding, where tractates circulating adverse opinions could be ignored without the use of ear suppression or other materials.

At publishing time, a great cry went out from the angry liberal Twitterverse as previously banned accounts were freed and began to publish Tweets that the angry liberals did not want to see.

https://babylonbee.com/news/angry-liberals-forced-to-resort-to-old-fashioned-technique-of-just-not-reading-tweets-they-dont-like