Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

HELL, MI — Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.

“There. Perfect!” Virgil reportedly declared after mistakenly placing the blue-colored pillow next to the one covered in roses like a brain-dead moron.

Warnings from friends and family to wait for his wife to get home before messing with the pillows were dismissed by Marlo who said, “They’re just pillows, it’s fine.”

In all, five pillows were placed on the couple’s bed, two of which were actually from the living room and clashed with the upholstery. The addition of two grey pillows where they didn’t belong made the entire bedroom look like it belonged to a serial killer, warned Marlo’s eleven-year-old daughter Tracy. The daredevil husband dismissed this warning as well.

Chinese critics, skilled in the art of feng shui, have called out the husband’s arrangement of throw pillows as bringing about a “dark sense of dread” to the family home.

At publishing time, Virgil Marlo had spent three hours being lectured by his wife that pillows are not to be trifled with.

https://babylonbee.com/news/clueless-husband-arranges-throw-pillows-in-wrong-order

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Journalists have become increasingly concerned about a rising trend of journalists having to follow the same rules as everyone else.

“It’s not fair that we’re being treated the same as other people,” sobbed Washington Post reporter Taylor Lorenz. “I’m literally shaking with rage.”

The troubling trend came to a head this past week as several journalists who had endangered a man’s life were then made to endure a Twitter suspension, just like any other person. “It is absolutely unacceptable to silence the press like this,” said Taylor Lorenz, still sobbing. “We journalists are supposed to be able to invade other people’s privacy and put their lives at risk, while no one is allowed to do the same thing to us. I am deeply troubled by the sudden expectation for the press to follow the same rules as any common citizen.”

While journalists have repeatedly expressed concern over their loss of recognition as a source of truth, having to now suffer the consequences of their own actions has confirmed their deepest fears. “This is exactly like the Kristallnaacht, the opening salvo of the Holocaust,” cried Taylor Lorenz, grabbing a third box of tissues. “The government, led by Elon Musk, has handed me a one-week Twitter suspension merely for stalking people like prey. He might as well be firing up the gas chambers.”

At publishing time, sources report that Taylor Lorenz had continued sobbing, drenching her 55th birthday cake with tears.

https://babylonbee.com/news/journalists-warn-of-frightening-trend-where-rules-apply-to-them

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

 

U.S. — After journalists this week experienced the terrible ignominy of a brief suspension from Twitter, the media has begun calling for some sort of constitutional amendment that would protect people’s right to speak.

“As journalists, we have discovered in the past thirty-six hours that social media must remain a free marketplace of ideas where no one is shadow-banned or suspended,” said CNN correspondent Donie O’Sullivan. “Twitter being a private entity obviously does not give it the right to choose what speech to host on its platform! If we’re unhappy with its decisions, it’s not like we can go out and build another Twitter, right? Free speech for all!”

After spending the past six years attempting to crush all dissenting speech, the media reportedly experienced a change of heart after realizing that they might have to play by the rules they have created. “After being suspended from Twitter for doxxing a man right after his child was threatened, I now know what it was like for doctors who were kicked off Twitter for disagreeing with the government’s COVID narrative,” said Aaron Rupar. “I never spoke up for all the other people banned from Twitter the past few years – but having now basically experienced imprisonment on Alacatraz, I am going to right those wrongs.”

At publishing time, the journalists were surprised to learn that, unlike a truck driver or mailman, no one missed them during their suspension.

https://babylonbee.com/news/journalists-call-for-constitutional-amendment-granting-everyone-free-speech

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From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/government-warns-that-with-elon-owning-twitter-they-will-only-control-97-of-the-media

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

BAHAMAS — Deposed king of cryptocurrency and founder of the now-defunct FTX, Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested by Federal authorities and will be prosecuted after running out of bribery money.

The top donor to Democrat lawmakers has reportedly run out of the money required to keep Democrat lawmakers at bay.

“Authorities have raided one of Mr. Bankman-Fried’s mansions searching for evidence of money left to line our pockets, as $39 million was just not enough.” said a spokesperson for the Democratic National Committee. “As we speak, agents are holding the suspect upside down and shaking him in hopes that a few crypto coins might fall out.”

Republicans criticized Democrats for blatantly seeking bribes by invading the personal space of Mr. Bankman-Fried for more bribe money, insisting that crypto coins were inside the computer. They then instructed agents to break open all computers in search of the valuable coins.

At publishing time, Bankman-Fried had escaped custody after distracting lawmakers with news that a chest full of untraceable bribe-ready cryptocurrency was hidden in the basement of the Alamo.

https://babylonbee.com/news/lawmakers-prosecute-sam-bankman-fried-for-running-out-of-bribery-money

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to negative backlash over a poorly negotiated prison exchange with Russia, President Biden has begun reading The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump.

“I vow to do better,” Biden told the family of Paul Whelan, a former U.S. Marine who is still stuck in a Russian prison. “That’s why I picked up this great book from the library.”

“I mean look at this guy. He looks like he makes deals every day!” said Biden, holding the book up proudly. “I promise you I’m going to be just like him. A real go-getter!”

Whelan’s family initially expressed disappointment when American authorities first traded notorious Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout, also known as “The Merchant of Death,” for WNBA athlete Brittney Griner, but are now hopeful that a deal can be made. “If anyone can bring Paul home it’s Donald Trump,” said Paul’s twin brother David.

Biden has committed to finishing the book before reopening negotiations with the Russian government, say officials close to the president. The president is reportedly staying up as late as 6 PM to squeeze in some reading time.

“I’m going to be the master of the art of the deal, Jack!” Biden told CBS’ Margaret Brennan. “No one will want to play Monopoly with me after I’m done with this book! Not a joke.”

According to sources, Biden has been honing his new skills by trading Pokémon cards with kids outside the White House. “I traded a Flareon holo card for three Magikarps,” Biden confirmed. “I’m doing it! I’m making deals!”

At publishing time, Biden was hopeful that Putin would accept some Pokémon cards in exchange for Paul Whelan.

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-getting-ripped-off-in-griner-trade-biden-decides-to-read-art-of-the-deal

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Mitt Romney reassured supporters today that he would be remaining a faithful member of the Democratic Party.

“The Democratic Party can continue to count on me through thick and thin,” said Mr. Romney in a statement. “While Senator Sinema and I have both occasionally voted with Congressional Republicans, I want voters to rest assured that I will never go turncoat like her. I’m staying put.”

After Sinema’s exit left Senate control in the balance, Democrats rushed to reaffirm Mr. Romney’s allegiance. “I knew he would stay true to his progressive roots,” said Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Obviously, Mr. Romney was going to vote for our bill enshrining the government’s redefinition of marriage. The real test was when Mr. Romney helped crush religious liberty by defeating the amendment put forth by his fellow Senator from Utah. That’s when I knew Mitt would be a Democrat for life.”

Although Mr. Romney’s intermittent breaks from party-line votes have earned him a reputation for independence, sources close to Romney do not believe he will ever follow in Sinema’s footsteps. “I just don’t see it happening. The man’s veins run blue,” said a high-level staffer on condition of anonymity. “At this point, Romney has staked too much of his persona on destroying the Republican party to really go independent. No one would take it seriously.”

At publishing time, Alaskan Senator Lisa Murkowski had joined Romney in affirming her commitment to stay a Democrat.

https://babylonbee.com/news/following-sinemas-exit-romney-announces-intention-to-remain-in-democrat-party