Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unexpected turn of events, congressional Republicans saw their approval ratings soar to an all-time high after bringing Congress to a grinding halt while the battle to determine the Speaker of the House dragged on.

“This isn’t something we thought would happen,” said Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, one of the lawmakers responsible for the impasse. “But now we’re a hit with voters and we’re holding back the swamp? We’ll take any positive results we can get.”

Though establishment Republicans warned of the backlash the small group of holdouts may face as they stood in the way of progress, voters instead rejoiced that Congress was unable to conduct its business. “What are we really missing out on?” asked concerned citizen Josiah Smith. “Sending more money to Ukraine? Forming ‘investigative committees’ that do a bunch of talking and accomplish nothing? If holding up the speaker vote keeps all of that normal stuff from happening, I’m all for it!”

An irate Kevin McCarthy was reportedly seen throwing a temper tantrum in the halls outside his office after failing to win the speakership on the fourth ballot. “It’s not fair!” McCarthy whined. “It’s my turn! It’s my turn!”

At publishing time, the House Freedom Caucus looked to be holding strong and was prepared to force as many votes as would be necessary to force McCarthy out of the running. Other backup plans included nominating other candidates, including one of the Capitol janitors, an Über driver found outside the building, or forgotten 1980s actor Andrew McCarthy.

https://babylonbee.com/news/republican-approval-ratings-at-record-high-after-bringing-congress-to-grinding-halt

From The Babylon Bee:

MANHATTAN, NY — This week, 60 Minutes host Scott Pelley held a sit-down interview on the universe’s ecological sustainability with a figure who has been both dismissed as a doomsdayer and celebrated as humanity’s best hope for longevity on earth: Thanos.

“Little one, it’s simple calculus. The universe is finite, its resources finite. If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correcting.” Thanos spoke to CBS’s Scott Pelley in an interview that many onlookers called “ominous” and “awkward.” When Pelley pressed the hulking purple figure on “who would do the correcting,” Thanos demurred, opting to rub his knuckles and gaze wistfully into the distance, mumbling about “a grateful universe.”

In the video, Pelley attempts to ease the tension with light jokes, but is met with sharp glances, outbursts, and declamations. One specific moment has already gone viral for eliciting cringes: Thanos overturned his chair when leaping to his feet to proclaim “I could simply snap my fingers, and they would all cease to exist – I call that mercy!” Scott Pelley chuckled uncomfortably when Thanos drove his point home with a theatrical “snap,” eliciting a growl: “You have my respect, Pelley. When I’m done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you.”

Thanos had agreed to come on the show to promote his book “Cursed With Knowledge: A Small Price To Pay For Salvation,” which has drawn criticism as its predictions failed to materialize. The book is famous for quotes including “The battle to feed all of humanity is over…the world will undergo famines,” “hundreds of millions of people are going to starve to death,” and “The hardest choices require the strongest wills.”

At publishing time, Thanos had been awarded chairmanship of Stanford University’s biology department, a visiting Professorship at the prestigious UC Berkeley, and a visiting editorship at the New York Times.

https://babylonbee.com/news/60-minutes-interviews-population-control-expert-thanos

From The Babylon Bee:

KANSAS CITY, KS — Less than a week after Christmas, local father Brandon Copeland decided to slip the Grinch twenty bucks to come take the drum set his son got for Christmas.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” said Mr. Copeland. “We thought it would be great for our son, Rufus, to learn an instrument at an early age. Five days in, we were already descending into madness. It got to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took to make it stop.”

After searching for different solutions, Copeland finally turned to the Grinch for help. “I knew he had a reputation for making Christmas presents disappear,” Copeland said. “We’re already in the third circle of Hell, but better late than never.”

The Grinch was all too happy to oblige. “On days following Christmas, requests for my services come in plenty,” said the Grinch. A quick handshake deal was made, and the drum set vanished overnight. Witnesses reported having seen the Grinch loading the drum set up onto his sleigh for a trip to Mount Crumpit, where he would then cast it off from the summit.

At publishing time, Mr. Copeland expressed satisfaction with his decision. “We’re sleeping much better, and our days have much more peace and quiet,” he said, before mentioning he will keep the Grinch on speed dial from now on. The Grinch expressed readiness to continue helping exasperated parents. “They always seem eager to please their little girls and boys,” said the Grinch, “but a few days later, all they want is to end the noise.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/dad-slips-grinch-a-20-to-come-take-the-drum-set

h/t The Automatic Earth

From The Babylon Bee:

KYIV, UKRAINE — Intelligence reports indicate that a lone Ukrainian soldier was tasked with assembling all patriot missiles sent over from the U.S. with the included Allen wrench. The soldier, later identified as Petro Shevchenko, reportedly regrets volunteering for the assignment.

“Me very important number one!” Shevchenko allegedly told Sean Penn in perfect broken English. “Oh, but the takings! Very long! Where wrench of Allen?”

Snow fell on the Ukrainian capital city overnight and the Allen wrench keeps getting lost in the snow, embedded reporter Sean Penn confirmed.

According to sources, assembling missiles with an Allen wrench was more difficult than anticipated. Because Ukraine is so close to Sweden, it was expected that the assembly would be simple due to the nation’s reliance on IKEA furniture. However, the situation was exacerbated by the included instructions, which are only in English and coded in something called the imperial system of measurement.

“I know not, Sean!” Shevchenko reportedly cried. “Let us retreat to house and watch The Game. You is good in it, eh? Major acting number one!”

At publishing time, Shevchenko had assembled one patriot missile in full but became concerned when he saw how many pieces were left over.

https://babylonbee.com/news/sad-ukrainian-soldier-tasked-with-assembling-all-the-patriot-missiles-with-included-allen-wrench-on-christmas-eve

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, DC — Only a day after his address to Congress, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen ringing a bell next to a red donation bucket while standing outside the entrance to the U.S. Capitol building. Sources say it’s yet another attempt to seek money for his nation’s war effort against Russia.

“Every dollar is vital to our righteous cause,” Zelensky was heard telling lawmakers and other staffers as they entered the Capitol. “The tens of billions of U.S. taxpayer dollars you have sent thus far is simply not enough. We require more funding for munitions, vehicles, government salaries, and my wife’s shopping trips in Paris. Please, this is of the utmost importance.”

Senators and members of the House of Representatives were seen eagerly digging into the pockets of the members of their entourages for spare cash and loose change while making sure the nearby media was able to capture images and video of them making their donations.

“To deny President Zelensky the ongoing funding he so desperately needs is truly evil,” said outgoing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as she commanded one of her aides to place money in the bucket on her behalf. “Anyone who is unwilling to give more money to Ukraine clearly also hates the United States and everything decent and holy in the world.”

At publishing time, Congress was believed to be working on increasing taxes so they could give even more of the American people’s money away while Zelensky was overheard asking members of Congress to provide him with an even larger bucket.

https://babylonbee.com/news/zelensky-spotted-ringing-a-bell-next-to-a-red-bucket-at-the-entrance-to-the-us-capitol

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources in Washington, Republicans in Congress are livid at the irresponsible spending in a $1.7 trillion omnibus bill they just voted for.

“This bill, which we passed easily and without a fight, is an absolute disaster,” said Senator Mitch McConnell in a statement. “How does stuff like this get passed, anyway? It might remain a mystery forever. Anyway, time to go home for Christmas!”

As the bill is being read, many are objecting to the millions of dollars being spent on wasteful programs, evil abortion initiatives, and endless war overseas.

“You people don’t understand,” said Senator Romney. “If we don’t fund abortion, the Democrats won’t let us fund bombing cafeterias in Yemen! We have to compromise!”

Other Republicans expressed outrage at the bill while reminding the country there was nothing they could do to stop it. “Sure, we don’t like that we’re funding illegal immigration, border security for Tunisia, and sinister population control programs,” said Lisa Murkowski, “but we’re Republicans! If we fight back against this, people might not like us!”

Republicans in the Senate have assured their constituents they will address these issues next year with a series of fundraising emails for their reelection campaigns.

https://babylonbee.com/news/republicans-blast-irresponsible-17-trillion-spending-bill-they-just-voted-for