Category Archives: Humor

From The Babylon Bee:

NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer scientists are hard at work on a new vaccine that will eliminate the deadly effects of gas stove emissions. If successful, the shot will allow for the use of a gas stove in a well-ventilated environment without masks.

“If you take these shots you will no longer be at risk of breathing in fumes from an easily preventable gas leak. You won’t get sick and you won’t have to quarantine away from the stove,” said Pfizer’s Albert Bourla in a statement. “I know we said some of the same things with the COVID shots, but this time we mean it. Really.”

The vaccine works by closing the airways of those injected so that they are unable to inhale toxic fumes and become brain-damaged or asthmatic. Results of early animal tests show a 100% efficacy against gas stoves. “Our dead monkeys were very smart right before they died,” said Pfizer scientist Josef Mengele, laughing maniacally for some reason. “I think we’ve collected enough data that we can skip human trials.”

Unhinged anti-vaxxers have taken to social media, arguing that death is an unacceptable side effect for a vaccine. Pfizer representatives responded with, “Side effect?”

President Biden has put his support behind Pfizer and has called for Americans to do their patriotic duty and take the experimental vaccine. “Please inject yourself with this magical liquid no one understands,” he said.

At publishing time, the government had decided to ban gas stoves anyway.

https://babylonbee.com/news/pfizer-reportedly-working-on-vaccine-to-counteract-gas-stove-emissions

From The Babylon Bee:

U.S. — Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure. Despite their uncertainty, experts do feel confident that we can rule out that one thing as the culprit.

“It’s too early to say what could be causing this, but it’s never too early to say what isn’t causing this,” said local expert, Dr. Scott Rufflinger. “This could be caused by anything. But the one thing we know for certain is that it’s definitely not what we’re all thinking that’s behind this — if you know what I mean. We can go ahead and rule that thing out right now because Science just called us on the phone and told us not to discuss it. We always follow Science.”

According to sources, experts have been working tirelessly around the clock to try and get to the bottom of why so many seemingly perfectly healthy, athletic people are falling over suddenly. “I wish I could point to something in the past year or two that large groups of people were exposed to, or forced into, but nothing comes to mind,” added Dr. Rufflinger. “If only there was one thing all these patients had in common.”

At publishing time, experts said they had narrowed down the list of what most likely was causing these sudden health issues down to: climate change, racism, Christian Nationalism, standing up too quickly, standing up too slowly, and not eating enough bugs.

https://babylonbee.com/news/experts-say-they-dont-know-what-thing-is-causing-everyone-to-suddenly-collapse-but-its-definitely-not-that-one-thing

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another trove of classified documents was found at Biden’s residence, Biden defended himself by claiming he is unaware of any classified documents, or who he is, or why he’s sitting in an oval-shaped office.

“Seriously Jill, what’s going on here? This isn’t a joke!” cried an outraged Biden to a nearby potted plant that looked somewhat like Jill Biden. “Why is everyone asking me about documents? What kind of an office has walls with no corners? WHERE IS BARACK?!”

Aides then began their morning ritual of briefing the President on the details of the scandal as well as the scheduled meetings for the day and who Joe Biden is. “Sir, they found more documents in locked in your garage,” said one advisor. “Are there any other documents we should know about?”

“…Sir? What is that you have in your hand? Sir?”

Aides then tackled the President and pried a piece of paper marked “Top Secret” out of his hand just as he attempted to stuff the whole thing in his mouth.

At publishing time, the scandal erupted again after Biden was seen blowing his nose into another classified document.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-says-he-is-unaware-of-any-classified-docs-or-who-he-is-or-why-hes-sitting-in-this-oval-shaped-office

From The Babylon Bee:

ATLANTA, GA — Radical conspiracy theorist Tom Donaldson is under fire once again for spreading the harmful idea that most mental health problems can be solved with exercise, fresh air, and spending time with family.

Donaldson, known for his popular podcast and YouTube channel, spread the ideas to his millions of fans on his Tuesday show. The show is under review by the Trust and Safety team at YouTube.

“This is very dangerous advice,” said Harvard-trained disinformation expert Dr. Rachel Edison. “People could hear this and believe that they can do something about their own misfortune without the help of expensive pharmaceuticals and professional therapists that charge $500 per hour. We’re pretty sure this advice is also racist somehow. We’re looking into it.”

Donaldson fans have criticized the backlash, citing Donaldson’s channel as a positive influence on their lives. “Ever since I started listening to the show, I’ve been happier, healthier, and just all around more upbeat,” said Canadian listener Jacob Thomas. “I even canceled my euthanasia appointment with Canadian Medicare last week!”

At publishing time, Donaldson’s YouTube channel had been demonetized for “inciting violence” against the pharmaceutical industry.

https://babylonbee.com/news/radical-conspiracy-theorist-says-most-mental-health-problems-can-be-solved-with-exercise-fresh-air-spending-time-with-family

From The Babylon Bee:

 

 

 

SACRAMENTO, CA — In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state’s remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be “the state of freedom,” despite the fact that he locked down businesses, churches, skate parks, paddleboarders, and pretty much everything else while locking everyone in their homes for 2 years.

“There is no state in the nation, indeed no place on the face of the earth, where you can enjoy as much personal freedom as you can right here in the Golden State,” Newsom said in the speech. “With the exception of going to the gym, eating at a restaurant, getting your hair cut, or even having the right to leave your own home, California is synonymous with liberty! 12-year-olds can get gender surgery here!”

Critics were quick to point to Newsom’s track record of oppressive measures that exceeded those put in place by most other states throughout the country. “Freedom? Freedom?! I don’t think Newsom even knows what the word means!” said long-time California resident Gheorghe Rosca. “The guy violated nearly every Constitutional right we have for nearly two years. He wouldn’t know freedom if it sat next to him at The French Laundry!”

Rosca was then escorted away by California authorities for questioning.

When asked for comment on the flaming ball of hypocrisy that was his speech, Newsom was undeterred. “California is the brightest shining example of freedom in the entire country,” Newsom said defiantly. “And anyone who disagrees with me will pay dearly in a variety of painful ways.”

At publishing time, Newsom was reported to be considering a renewal of heavy lockdown policies while simultaneously making reservations for himself at a series of posh California restaurants.

https://babylonbee.com/news/california-is-the-state-of-freedom-says-man-who-locked-everyone-in-their-homes-for-2-years

From The Babylon Bee:

EL PASO, TX — Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation’s southern border is every bit as secure as America’s elections.

“Listen, folks. There’s nothing to worry about here at the southern border,” Biden said to the assembled press after touring a portion of the border that had been cleared of migrants prior to his arrival. “Everything happening down here at our border with Mexico is just as safe, secure, and rock-solid as our election system. Butterscotch.”

Critics had long complained about the Biden administration’s lack of attention in securing the southern border, as hundreds of thousands of undocumented migrants have continued to flow into the country from Mexico. Cartel crime, human rights abuses, and ever-growing concerns about the drug trade throughout the region have run rampant with seemingly few steps taken by the government to improve security.

“Our border is as many borders are: welcoming,” said Vice President Kamala Harris, Biden’s chosen “Border Czar” when reached for comment. “And when someone is welcome, they are welcomed as they are, and as they will be. And have been. Welcoming is good.”

Former President Donald Trump seized the opportunity to criticize Biden. “I finally agree with Sleepy Joe Biden on something,” Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. “Our borders are just as secure as our elections, which is to say NOT AT ALL. Total disgrace! Sad!”

At publishing time, Biden had already departed the border and was on his way back to Washington, D.C., where he had been promised some veggie straws and fruit snacks before his afternoon nap.

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-declares-the-southern-border-as-secure-as-americas-elections

From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a week of grueling votes for Speaker of the House — 15 in total — Kevin McCarthy was finally handed the people’s gavel and took his rightful place as Speaker. He lifted it up to the raucous applause of both Democrats and Republicans, signaling that the week of Congressional inactivity was over and the long national nightmare of taxing, spending, and corruption could finally begin.

“Finally, we will get down to the people’s business of stealing all their money for our pet projects, making backroom deals, and holding meaningless investigations where we yell and point angrily at people to get some sweet sound bytes for our reelections,” said McCarthy to the assembled warmongers, rapists, and half-dead geriatrics in the room. “Our long congressional nightmare is over, and the long national nightmare is finally here! Huzzah!”

Those in the crowd who were still sober enough to stand then stood and cheered.

Experts predict that business as usual will resume first thing Monday, as politicians give portentous speeches to empty rooms, have important meetings with weapons manufacturers, and attend coke orgies. “Americans are overwhelmingly pleased to be finally achieving a state of normalcy in Washington again,” said one pollster.

At publishing time, Congress had already authorized another $100 billion to Ukraine.

https://babylonbee.com/news/after-15-grueling-house-speaker-votes-americas-long-national-nightmare-can-finally-begin

h/t The Burning Platform

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From The Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing tough questions about runaway inflation and the record-high cost of consumer goods, gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reminded everyone that everything has always been more expensive than usual.

“When you think about it, prices are always going up on things, even before President Biden was elected,” she said. “For example, when I was a gay black child, you could get 5 roast beef sandwiches at Arby’s for $5, and when I was a gay black teenager, you could only get 4. None of this is Biden’s fault. Also, I am gay and black.”

Critics insist that prices on essentials like food, clothing, and gas have increased more rapidly under Biden than ever before, and are demanding answers from the White House.

“I don’t get why you all think it’s so bad out there,” said Pierre, rapidly flipping through a giant 3-ring binder filled with empty pages to stall for time. “Apparently all the regular people are having trouble paying their mortgages and feeding their children, but the President believes the concerns are overblown. I haven’t spent any money on gas for my Tesla in weeks, and Taco Bell still has a dollar menu. Everything’s fine!”

At publishing time, critics doubled down on questions after it was found Little Ceasars had increased their “Hot-N-Ready” price to $6.

https://babylonbee.com/news/karine-jean-pierre-claims-everything-has-always-been-more-expensive-than-usual