From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement given this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she feels for Americans struggling with prices at the pump and offered a suggestion for how to cope by becoming a millionaire through insider trading.
“If you want to avoid suffering from high gas prices, the solution is simple,” she said. “Just get elected to Congress and spend decades trading stocks based on insider information only Congress is allowed to have! Easy!”
“You’ll even have money left over for ice cream and to bail your spouse out of prison if they get a DUI!”
Republicans condemned Pelosi’s callous statements, contesting that Americans should instead pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work harder, and maybe meet with a few ExxonMobil lobbyists for some extra cash.
“Pelosi’s advice is sound, but we’ve found this approach only works for one out of every 350 million Americans,” said local Democratic strategist Yance Parmesan. “For everyone unable to enrich themselves as a career politician, we recommend you just ask Biden for a gas card or buy an electric car. Simple as that!”
At publishing time, gas prices rose even higher, forcing Pelosi to get a second job delivering pizzas.
From The Babylon Bee:
TUSCON, AZ—Zookeepers across the nation are reportedly scrambling to vaccinate all reptiles in captivity following the announcement that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for COVID-19.
“COVID has officially jumped species,” warned a representative from the American Organization of Zookeepers. “We’ve seen it jump to apes and household pets but now that reptiles are affected we have to work quickly.”
This is not the first time a politician has been infected with the Coronavirus, but Pelosi is in a unique position as a confirmed reptilian overlord. The secret race of humanoids that disguise themselves to live among us and control our lives was previously thought to be invulnerable, but conspiracy theorists speculate Pelosi’s addiction to alcohol and ice cream contributed to the infection.
“Reptilian humanoids are ancient creatures from an unnamed space quadrant the government doesn’t want you to know about,” said George Noory, host of the radio program Coast to Coast AM. “COVID might turn out to be a great thing if it wipes them off the face of the flat earth and allows us to see beyond the veil to all the UFOs and ghosts the government is hiding.”
According to sources, zookeepers are separating reptilian species from each other and applying tiny little masks to their faces until they can receive a second dose of the vaccine. The Pfizer vaccine is not currently approved for reptiles (or any animals,) but given the support for human inoculation regardless of scientific data, zoologists figure injecting thousands of lizards won’t hurt.
At publishing time, veterinarian hospitals were overrun with mildly coughing lizards on ventilators.
They really want to shove us all into the miserable world where government makes all of the decisions and allocates all the goods and services. From Brandon Smith at alt-market.com:
Throw out all those hoary old maxims about avoiding even the appearance of impropriety. From Tyler Durden at zerohedge.com:
Despite a populist grassroots movement seeking to ban Congress members from trading stocks, one which has attracted bipartisan political support, Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi – arguably one of the most prolific Congressional traders – said two weeks ago that lawmakers should be allowed to make trades while serving.
“We’re a free market economy,” Pelosi told reporters during a news conference. “They should be able to participate in that.”
Pelosi’s statement came days after progressive New Yorker, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, reiterated her support for banning lawmakers from the practice. Ocasio-Cortez and other members of Congress argue that lawmakers have access to information the public is not privy to and the ability to write and pass policy, they should abstain from buying and selling individual stock and other assets. She and other lawmakers support members of Congress investing in index funds.
“I choose not to hold any so I can remain impartial about policy making,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram.
Pelosi’s statement also came in the wake of a series of scandals involving federal lawmakers, Fed and government officials making suspect trades throughout the coronavirus pandemic.
When it comes to laws and judicial decisions, you’ve always got to read the fine print. From Jonathan Turley at jonathanturley.org:
Below is my column in The Hill on reaction to the refusal of the Supreme Court to enjoin the Texas abortion law. The order of the Court expressly did not reach the merits and certainly did not, as claimed, overturn Roe v. Wade. The Texas law is not even the greatest threat to Roe. Not only is there a pending case on the docket of the Court that has long been viewed as a serious threat to Roe, but the White House and the House of Representatives are threatening immediate actions that could also create new challenges for pro-choice litigants.
Here is the column:
It is often said that “in the midst of chaos, there is opportunity.” Widely attributed to Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu, that saying came to mind when President Biden declared this week that the Supreme Court “unleashed unconstitutional chaos” by declining to enjoin a Texas abortion law. In this self-described chaos, Democratic leaders moved to renew efforts to pack the court with a liberal majority, end the filibuster and federalize abortion laws.
The problem with chaos, however, is that it can be easier to fuel than control. Indeed, Democrats may undermine abortion rights with plans for ill-conceived federal regulations and legislation.
Just before midnight on Wednesday, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 not to grant an emergency injunction of a Texas law allowing citizens to enforce a highly restrictive abortion law. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) promptly declared that the court “overturned” Roe v. Wade, and she demanded immediate action; many media flogged the same narrative that conservative justices killed Roe in a midnight attack.
Both were legally and factually wrong.
The Texas law was enacted in May — but challengers waited until shortly before it was to take effect on Sept. 1 to demand emergency court intervention. It was a gamble that backfired when the court refused to intervene. However, the decision neither upheld Texas’s law nor reversed Roe.
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced Congress will be taking action immediately as the situation in Afghanistan rapidly deteriorates. To hold those responsible for the evacuation debacle, Congress will consider articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump.
“Good morning, Thursday morning,” Pelosi said during a press conference this morning, which was Thursday morning. “We’re facing a dire situation in Afghanistan, and that means we as Congress need to do our duty to hold those responsible accountable for their horrible, horrible actions. That’s why, effective immediately, I’m introducing articles of impeachment against the president. President Donald Trump.”
Pelosi says Trump being impeached a third time won’t actually accomplish anything. But, she says, it will send a clear message to Trump that she doesn’t like him, which is the important thing. “He didn’t get the message the first two times,” she said. “Now the world will know for sure that the orange man truly is bad.”
“The walls are closing in. We got him this time.”
Trump says he welcomes the impeachment as he will be the first president in the history of the world to be acquitted three times. “That’s huge!” he said, addressing his supporters on the few social networks that have not yet banned him. “Sleepy Joe hasn’t even been acquitted once. Sad and pathetic!”
This is legal! From Mike “Mish” Shedlock at thestreet.com:
Nancy Pelosi’s husband made an excellent Microsoft stock market trade. Let’s check out the details.
Purchase of Stock Via Call Options
Barron’s reports Nancy Pelosi’s Husband Bought Roblox, Microsoft Stock
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband just disclosed he bought Roblox stock the day it went public, and acquired Microsoft stock through options.
The Barron’s article is behind a paywall. Fox News also reports the same thing: Pelosi’s Husband Bought $10M in Microsoft Shares Through Options.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband purchased millions of dollars worth of Microsoft (MSFT) and Roblox (RBLX) shares last month, new financial disclosures form reveal.
Paul Pelosi exercised call options and paid $1.95 million to buy 15,000 shares of Microsoft at a strike price of $130 on March 19, according to an April 9th filing with the House clerk. That same day, Pelosi, who owns and operates a California venture capital investment and consulting firm, paid $1.4 million for 10,000 shares valued at $140 apiece.
Since Pelosi made the purchase, Microsoft share prices have climbed from about $230 to roughly $255 – an increase of close to 11% – after the company secured a lucrative government contract worth nearly $22 billion to supply U.S. Army combat troops with augmented reality headsets. The deal was announced on March 31.
“I will not, and you can go fuck yourself!” Ron DeSantis for President! From James Howard Kunstler at kunstler.com:
In their latest act of degeneracy disguised as virtue, the Progressive Wokesters of Washington failed again to nail that old orange coonskin to the wall. Rather, they only embarrassed themselves in the effort, even as far as submitting faked evidence. You’d think there would be some penalty for dishonoring Congress like that, but Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) has for now just skated for submitting doctored Twitter posts to the court of senators.
Watch now as some Wokeness-inflamed DC prosecutor is enlisted by the Lawfare beagles to charge former President Trump with a catalog of crimes under the city’s ordinary statutes. They’ll get a conviction pronto in a local DC court for sure — considering the town’s demographics — and then the appeals will drag on well into the next ice age. In the meantime, as long as he remains healthy, and evades assassin’s bullets, Mr. Trump will go after his antagonists in Congress like a mad dog toward the 2022 midterm. Mr. Swalwell had better learn to code. Or maybe his talents are more attuned to hackery.
The impeachment loss, which was predetermined by simple math, seems to have only driven Nancy Pelosi crazier, perhaps because there are no more traps she can lay for the ex-president, or maybe because her managers’ strategy was revealed to be so shamelessly dishonest. Now she must turn her attention to the Woke agenda, which, she may sense, will only accelerate a cratering US economy — things like the inane Green New Deal and open borders
From The Babylon Bee:
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Only days after delivering Trump’s articles of impeachment to the Senate, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced they are already working on a brand-new impeachment for rising right-wing menace and future GOP presidential candidate Candace Owens.
“This woman is dangerous, extremely dangerous,” said Pelosi to reporters. “She’s an outspoken African-American woman who doesn’t think the way African-Americans are supposed to think. We must impeach her immediately to prevent her from running and save our democracy! Good morning! Wednesday morning!”
“This is, like, such a sad day for our country,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “All this time, most of us didn’t even think Candace Owens was a real person, but rather a haunting specter from our most terrifying nightmares. It’s terrible to think that a woman who repeatedly tried to have me killed would be allowed to run for president.”
According to historians, if Candace Owens is successfully elected, she will be America’s first black president– at least, as far as they can remember.
What are they so afraid of, Trump’s gone in 10 days. From Tyler Durden at zerohedge.com:
Update (1900ET): In a letter sent late on Sunday, Nancy Pelosi confirmed that the coming week will be focused entirely on removing Trump out of office, when she informed colleagues that the House will pass a resolution calling on Pence to invoke the 25th amendment. This will be followed by impeachment.
Her full letter below:
Dear Democratic Colleague,
On this Sunday, as we pray that God will continue to Bless America, I write to inform you of our next actions, which will be made with the great solemnity that this moment requires.
I want to call to your immediate attention the action to be taken tomorrow morning, when Majority Leader Hoyer will request Unanimous Consent to bring up the Raskin resolution. This resolution calls on the Vice President to convene and mobilize the Cabinet to activate the 25th Amendment to declare the President incapable of executing the duties of his office, after which the Vice President would immediately exercise powers as acting President. The text of the resolution can be found here.
If we do not receive Unanimous Consent, this legislation is planned to be brought up on the Floor the following day. We are calling on the Vice President to respond within 24 hours.
Next, we will proceed with bringing impeachment legislation to the Floor.
In protecting our Constitution and our Democracy, we will act with urgency, because this President represents an imminent threat to both. As the days go by, the horror of the ongoing assault on our democracy perpetrated by this President is intensified and so is the immediate need for action.
I look forward to our Caucus call tomorrow. I am grateful to all Members for the suggestions, observations and input that you have been sending. Your views on the 25th Amendment, 14th Amendment Section 3 and impeachment are valued as we continue. I am answering your communications in chronological order and will do so into the night.
Thank you for your patriotism.
In other words, the second impeachment of Trump will begin on Tuesday if Pence refuses to invoke the 25th amendment, for which Pelosi has given the VP 24 hours.